Recent thought’s on Emotional Abuse

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about life and my blog and what i initially set this up to do, which was to help me stop her (mother dearest) from emotionally abusing her children (me and my siblings) and I’m not sure whether I’ve become disheartened with fighting this cause, or if in actual fact I’ve just learnt so much about it now, that i realise no one can actually help stop this problem.. mainly because its such a widespread issue in our society, emotional abuse is more than just shouting at your children or partner, it’s the long-term effect of living with a person who has numerous unresolved issues of their own which causes them to be unable to cope with everyday things in life, such as mood swings, hormones and the ever-changing society we live in.

I really don’t believe we will ever get to the bottom of emotional abuse unless people stop having children willy nilly, and realise what’s actually wrong with them, through therapeutic services and TIME! and then deal with their issues that make them unable to cope with such things..

and so because of this im thinking of renaming my blog, not sure of what yet but it feels like the right thing to do in order to take my writing to the next step… not sure where that is yet but life has its ways i guess.

In one of my friend counselling convo’s i made a comment to one of my friends this week about how families behave like animals in some circumstances, and i referred to several types of animal behaviour; Monkeys whom expel the one from the group who shows himself to be different, the bullying this monkey endures before being chased out of the group and exiled,and the Lions who very rarely have more than one male per pride, which i don’t need to explain why as we’ve all seen the discovery channel! It’s these exact behaviours animals exhibit which remind me of what many of my friends have experienced with their own families, difference being; Parents not being able to cope with not ruling the roost or being the boss anymore and having to allow their child the space to exert their own personality and preferences in lifestyle, which often parents consciously don’t want to allow or accept has happened, they fail to see the need to say “MY HOUSE MY RULES! DON’T LIKE IT FUCK OFF!” or have the ability to help their child leave the nest successfully with the understanding that everyone needs their own space thus being it their time to fly…

how is it that as humans we still behave like animals when it comes to connecting the brain paths between behaviour and asserting our humanity in a productive way?

Why do families fail to see how their children’s behaviours are products of their home environments?

As children (im speaking for the teens/adults who still live at home here under this term too as in my eyes if you still live at home with your parents your still a child) why are they unable to get through reasonably to their parents and break down the effects their parenting is/has had on them/their life?

Sure for me the only possible explanation is again the “my house my rules” mentality the parent is holding as a brick wall to not hear the truths their child is so clearly showing them… and again why would you as a parent not want to better your child’s life and grow your knowledge of life?! …pickles me this topic does!

It’s this example the most which grates on my soul in emotional abuse, as the above example clearly is… this unknowingly destroying abuse which causes so many problems for so many in life, which should be categorized as Emotional Abuse but is overlooked because we all endure it.

It prevents us as people from moving on in life, and understanding humanity on the whole.. heaven knows it’s the reason so many people bury their heads in distractions not always as productive as work, and yet how do we as a society or even i as the individual get this through to people in a constructive way? ..my only outlet is here in my writing, and in hope that those i send here to read will get what im writing about and fully comprehend what im talking about and take active steps to ensure bad patterns stop?

My fight goes on

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Social Services Pressure Tactics On Vulnerable Family

I’m absolutely fuming right now, just got back from dropping my daughter off to mother dearest’s.. i had a 3 minute conversation with mother dearest where she told me she had decided to withdraw her statement to social services of giving them 2 weeks notice to get the case to court as she wasn’t going to look after her grand-daughter (my daughter) anymore.. and since telling social services they have TO mother dearest that they wont be pursuing the courts or assessing whether I’m a suitable carer or not! Mother dearest said she had come to this conclusion after seeing how upset my daughter and my sister (of the same age)  had been at the start of my other sisters holiday leave.. and said they would all end up on prozac if she gave my daughter either to me or into foster care!

I can’t explain how fuming i am… it’s not hard to work out what social services did, clear pressure tactic’s to make mother dearest think my daughter would end up in foster care! I feel so sick, a service that’s meant to be there to help has told my mother only one side to the coin, my daughter will go into care end of, I’m not even being considered as a carer let alone discussed as a possibility! What’s even worse is that my mothers solicitor hasn’t even informed her of the other avenues we would all have to go down before court could agree to my daughter going into care, like 3 months in a mother and baby unit, or daily visits from social services in my accommodation whilst the ongoing assessments are done… enough is really enough!

I can’t even vent on how non of them have any faith in me bar my aunt solicitor GP and friends, they still think I’m that crazed teenager wrought with emotional and a lack of process and understanding… wow they couldn’t be more wrong!

I just txt mother dearest saying;

“What social services have done is make you think there is no other option before my daughter could ever go into care! All to save themselves the cost of taking us to court and footing the bill! so yet again they are forcing us into court when in fact they should be! what’s even worse is that your solicitor hasn’t even told you of the drill we would have to do before my daughter could go into care i.e.. mother and baby unit etc.! this is a joke.. I’ve got a journalist on call ready to put this whole story through every national paper and GMTV chat show possible, the only thing that stops me is your privacy, i can handle the invasion but you can’t, but sooner or later it will end up in press and I’m going to have a field day ripping this case and social services apart!I think you really underestimate my intelligence and  capability’s as a mum, i don’t get why you need a judge to tell you I’m fit enough? social services are just advisor’s right? (as they keep preaching and proclaiming) so why not just take an interest in me and see for yourself how capable i am! you know it, i don’t know why you need to hear it from a judge ? what fool has to hear from a judge how capable ones child is? you have choices, but if you insist on doing it through court because you wont stand up then so be it on your peril. I’ve never been more ready or prepared i just hope you are too..? X”

I can’t even go into the psychological flip side this shows from mother dearest’s part, it fully clarifys/confirms exactly what i say about her and her lack of capable parenting, it screams using ones child to get to the parent, hysterical erratic irrational behaviour, not of sound mind! Need i say anymore?!

Ok so getting that off my chest to her has helped a little… now i really need these journalists to all get on-board with me on this… MEDIA PRESSURE IS SOOO NEEDED TO EXPOSE THIS SHODDY SOCIAL SERVICE!!

Please pass this on, re-tweet, send to all your email contacts.. someone somewhere has a big contact for me who will guaranteed make a shed load out of my case and help revolutionize social service’s procedures by exposing this! HELP!

At least we get to see eachother; I CRY…

I’m sick of feeling, especially these emotions that make my heart feel like I’m having open heart surgery with no anaesthetic, I want to throw up, I feel continually nauseous, i have sweats and everything I experience or see makes my brain tick…overtime.

Seeing children on the train crying, I want to shake the parents and tell them how lucky they are, i cant watch you’ve been framed or what ever its called now; funniest shoes on earth, seeing the kids bits makes me cry… i wont buy tinned pasta shapes the kids ones that used to cost 25p but are now 45p let alone walk down the cake aisle!It all just reminds me of my daughter

All the memories of my daughter, anything that reminds me of her or is representative of a child- i cry or in public get extremely choked.

Today my daughter hugged me and said “oh mummy its just not fair, I miss you all the time, I’m so sad; I just want you…*sighed* (hugged me tighter saying) at least we get to see each other…

I cried and she didn’t even notice, does that make me a good mum?

Childhood Gut Manifestations

So suddenly its been dawning on me over the past few days that the last bit of control i have in my life is FOOD.  The first thing i experienced after birth; from my mother- breast milk, how i learnt my first lesson in control, i cry i get the boob- only as i got older it began to not work.. i was apparently breastfed till i was 2 when my mother became expecting with my brother, although i was weaned onto solids from about 1 yr, now seeing how my mother has breastfed my 3 sisters and how her lack of ability to stop controls my sisters now their older and still controls me through my own eating habits, ive never been diagnosed with an eating disorder but wouldn’t be surprised if i did have one.. the sheer fact ive always been healthy and had more pressing issues on my mind probably never let the psychiatrists ive seen even think about that subject! I go through binges and have tried to find the cause, be it hormonal.. something to do with moon phases.. poor diet, to no avail!

My 9 y.o. sister only eats meat rice and pasta and seldom sweetcorn, out of all of my siblings she’s got it the hardest with food.. i tried to get her to eat ketchup once and its squirted on her foot where she then had a panic attack and mother had to wash it off.. she has a different dad to my brother and i and his genetics arnt petite so she’s predisposed to high cholesterol and obesity runs in his family.. how my brother urged my mum to feed her more than pies and croquettes when she was 2, but we went unheard and dismissed, and now my 9 y.0 sister is a size 12… bigger than me and a bag of nerves. My 4 y.o. sister eats everything and is labelled as the weird child, she has really bad eczema and mother dearest calls her Leather eyes- craggy skin- dry bones.. she is due to see the dietician and allergist soon.

The only thing that does make sence is that i use it to control myself, i only do this with boyfriends/close partners, i have this general feeling of guilt that i get when they are feeding me, and i mean in terms of buying the food, if were in a supermarket, restaurant or take away, i all of a sudden get this impending feeling that i don’t want to eat, and end up causing an argument because were clearly both hungry, yet to them for some unknown reason im suddenly in protest about eating! I feel that if they feed me i will owe them something, or be stressed out over dinner by their manners, and the only way i can make it up to the person is with sex, and it spirals on into; if i force myself to have sex with them im going to feel more used, and then i feel its my right to eat.. how i relate it to sex i have no idea, perhaps thats the only thing i feel im good at/worth? But i know ive more quality to give than that! Where my mother comes into this is that from a young age mealtimes were always difficult, i hardly ate as a young child till i hit 7, and mealtimes were always on edge incase mother had cooked something dad didnt like, or if my brother and i chewed our food too loud; mother would go mad telling us we ate like animals, i can recall not eating toast and opting for cereal which I’d leave to go soggy before i ate it as the crunching drove my mum mental first thing in the morning! And how after id be scrutinised or sent to my room.. perhaps thats why i make meal times so structured nowadays with my own daughter, and why my table manners are immaculate!

Some men i avoid eating with totally, Neanderthal table manners have been a frequent cause of me suddenly being put off my meal.. and watching him eat thinking  to myself “I want to stab that fork down your throat you pig!” or ive dished up and before ive even sat down he’s tucked in.. i add im not one of those wash up before i eat types either, i just think its common courtesy to wait till everyone is seated and we eat together! Only one of my friends i ever had this problem with, and as a collective we brought him up on his rudeness! Which was quite funny as him being the only fully english white male in the group he openly admitted to not giving a shit when it came to food.. and the rest of our bunch being of mixed heritage/of some ethnic culture being totally appalled by this! So we always dished him up last regardless!

I’m fine with all my other friends and social situations, and i have no other qualms about eating or cooking food in general, in fact i love cooking!! It’s just with very close male partners, I don’t eat with my family anymore, as ive distanced myself from them almost entirely.. bar my aunt.. needless to say my family eat like Animals!

I do  find some weeks ill be ravenous and can eat like a pig and then for a few weeks ill live off hardly anything and then a binge week will come back! I’ve tried diets to regulate my eating habits, and even seen a dietician as ive got food allergy’s.. non of which has helped stabilize that bingeing pattern.. i guess i have to actualize certain things about myself and my life before things iron out in my diet? I’m not medically overweight im 5′ 7″ and 10 st.. i did the Cambridge diet a few months ago and hit 8 st 13 lbs and was still a size 10… i couldn’t work that one out, but figure i must be a boned size 10 and not ment to be any smaller for a reason! god knows ive always wanted to hit a size 8 but now realise that would be physically impossible and id have no bum and my already deflated mamma boobs will be even more shrivelled!

I’m still waiting for a boyfriend/partner whom im able to eat comfortably with, a lot of tolerance and realisation has to come from myself i understand with time and healing.. but he’s also gonna need to be creative about mealtimes coz i NEED someone with imagination who is quirky! And i know im not the only female out who has issues with men being boring!

Until then my solitary dining goes on..