Recent thought’s on Emotional Abuse

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about life and my blog and what i initially set this up to do, which was to help me stop her (mother dearest) from emotionally abusing her children (me and my siblings) and I’m not sure whether I’ve become disheartened with fighting this cause, or if in actual fact I’ve just learnt so much about it now, that i realise no one can actually help stop this problem.. mainly because its such a widespread issue in our society, emotional abuse is more than just shouting at your children or partner, it’s the long-term effect of living with a person who has numerous unresolved issues of their own which causes them to be unable to cope with everyday things in life, such as mood swings, hormones and the ever-changing society we live in.

I really don’t believe we will ever get to the bottom of emotional abuse unless people stop having children willy nilly, and realise what’s actually wrong with them, through therapeutic services and TIME! and then deal with their issues that make them unable to cope with such things..

and so because of this im thinking of renaming my blog, not sure of what yet but it feels like the right thing to do in order to take my writing to the next step… not sure where that is yet but life has its ways i guess.

In one of my friend counselling convo’s i made a comment to one of my friends this week about how families behave like animals in some circumstances, and i referred to several types of animal behaviour; Monkeys whom expel the one from the group who shows himself to be different, the bullying this monkey endures before being chased out of the group and exiled,and the Lions who very rarely have more than one male per pride, which i don’t need to explain why as we’ve all seen the discovery channel! It’s these exact behaviours animals exhibit which remind me of what many of my friends have experienced with their own families, difference being; Parents not being able to cope with not ruling the roost or being the boss anymore and having to allow their child the space to exert their own personality and preferences in lifestyle, which often parents consciously don’t want to allow or accept has happened, they fail to see the need to say “MY HOUSE MY RULES! DON’T LIKE IT FUCK OFF!” or have the ability to help their child leave the nest successfully with the understanding that everyone needs their own space thus being it their time to fly…

how is it that as humans we still behave like animals when it comes to connecting the brain paths between behaviour and asserting our humanity in a productive way?

Why do families fail to see how their children’s behaviours are products of their home environments?

As children (im speaking for the teens/adults who still live at home here under this term too as in my eyes if you still live at home with your parents your still a child) why are they unable to get through reasonably to their parents and break down the effects their parenting is/has had on them/their life?

Sure for me the only possible explanation is again the “my house my rules” mentality the parent is holding as a brick wall to not hear the truths their child is so clearly showing them… and again why would you as a parent not want to better your child’s life and grow your knowledge of life?! …pickles me this topic does!

It’s this example the most which grates on my soul in emotional abuse, as the above example clearly is… this unknowingly destroying abuse which causes so many problems for so many in life, which should be categorized as Emotional Abuse but is overlooked because we all endure it.

It prevents us as people from moving on in life, and understanding humanity on the whole.. heaven knows it’s the reason so many people bury their heads in distractions not always as productive as work, and yet how do we as a society or even i as the individual get this through to people in a constructive way? ..my only outlet is here in my writing, and in hope that those i send here to read will get what im writing about and fully comprehend what im talking about and take active steps to ensure bad patterns stop?

My fight goes on

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Mood swings

Everyone has them, and yet mine feel a whole load worser than everyone else’s… and i try to figure out why; all of them triggered off by feeling of doubt within myself, feelings of doubt which stem from bad experiences as a child, bad experiences of which i had no control over, most of which were caused by Mother dearest’s rippling mood swings to someone’s behaviour… even if it wasnt mine that had spurred her into a mood id still get the brunt of it, and im still left trying to undo those feelings of self-doubt, those moments where i blamed myself for my mothers bad moods, those moments i actually believed i was wrong and punished myself for not knowing how to make them right… i still do it to myself now.

I did it to myself today, my daughter had the worst tantrum friday night, and woke up saturday  (today) still asserting her erratic behaviour, the behaviour she exerts when with mother dearest, the behaviour she uses to deal with mother dearest’s mood swings and inconsistent parenting, the behaviour that is very similar to mine; minus the crying and shouting… and all i could do was feel awful, that she was behaving like this and i didn’t know how to stop or help her through those emotions… (i don’t know how to get through mine aside from sleeping it off)  so i did what i knew best and stood my ground, calmly told her she needed to put her other dress on, as the dress she wanted to wear was dirty needed washing and she wasnt able to wear it anyway as i had to sew a button back on! and that until she put her other dress on we werent going out, she refused cried shouted threw things and i ignored her, when she’d calmed down i explained to her that we werent going out today, que tantrum round 2! I was vexed by not getting to go out, the suns been banging and i could have done with some vitamin D intake! never the less she went into her room and got on with doing her thing… i went to bed, fell asleep and was woken by her telling me she was waiting.. and was hungry.. so we ate our left over pizza from last nights dinner and she went back off to play, both of us knowing we both needed our own space… so later on we’d just ate dinner, i asked her to go get ready for bed…. no problems no tantrums no attitude!! GREAT! bed time was no drama or con woman tricks she usually tries to pull and we sat and talked about what happened today, that tantrums will cause bad moods and ruin days so listening to mummy is what she needs to do coz mummy’s know best! she spoke about how she felt; its ok mummy i was being silly.

I couldn’t help but feel as if now i was the one in the wrong in the first place, and that now she’s going to think every time she has a tantrum im going to get in a bad mood…? I really need to check this issue of unresolved childhood bad patterns of behaviour, i don’t want to ever feel like i did today ever again and i feel sooo bad for falling asleep! Even though i clearly needed a nap… and she couldn’t have cared less where i was as she was swimming in her room full of new toys from her recent birthday! But at least now i hope we’ve had our bad day and will be on track for better days and less tantrums!

I sit now really resenting having to send her back to mother dearest, who still doesn’t acknowledge how destructive her behaviour still is to her children and her grand-child; my daughter, i shouldnt have to pick up the pieces every weekend from where mother dearest has practically terrorized my daughter all week with her mood swings! I just want my daughter back, more than ever now. X

Progress & New feelings; Doubt

There have been some huge turn around’s in my case with mother dearest, all thanks to Mediation!

I’ve started to question whether mother dearest really has turned over a new leaf.. or is turning a new one over!?

My efforts to get her to check herself seem to have worked… but i want clarification.. and think I’m going to arrange a meeting mid-week to go through the letter i wrote to her to address the issues that i raised, i want to gauge whether she really fully understands the consequences of her actions, past present and future…?

I question everyday whether her intentions and the good work between us are real or part of her “experimental behaviour” …YES I’m relating to the Kubler Ross -Change Curve!! I guess if mother slips back into depression i kind of have to accept that my path is not her path, and just help her understand again to get her back to experimenting! Mother admitted today that she often feels as if i parent her, and our roles are reversed and have been for a while… (all revelations brought on by the Amazing Karen Woodall and her team running the workshops at Separated Families!!) I really hope she doesn’t slip back and manages to keep climbing up to integration!  I want her to reclaim her motherly role to me.. better late than never!! However i am always sceptical, I don’t want to be hurt again, and I don’t want my daughter to be used as a pawn or resented! I know I’m so close now to getting her back it literally is down to her and how well she adjusts to the new routines, and how stable i keep her and her routines… I don’t need any distractions or cock up’s right now!

Touch and Go Benefit overhaul?

I’m slightly intrigued to  see what this new parliament  throws out of the bag in its benefit reform… and how they will manage to make us NEET’s better off working than on benefits? As long as it is a change that works for me im diggy down to try it out.. i wonder how tailored to individuals needs it will be?

Take mine for instance, currently trying to complete a debt relief order to erase the £15,000 ive somehow racked up? which will leave my finances monitored for the next year by a specialist… going back to court for residency of my daughter, a routine that changes from week to week… a mental state that is trying desperately to improve and be able to fight those urges that leave me in bed for days at a time contemplating life and whether I’m having a 1/4 life crisis? Seeking a career that normal career advisors and job center staff cant assist with aside from saying I’m being too ambitious and am frankly deluded to think i could turn my life around in such a short space of time… cracking track record they have already! I do hope they will be re-training their oh so helpful un-motivated staff that hang up on me when i call to do a change of bank details! Let alone discuss my transition back into work and better off calculations!

I’m very sceptical indeed that i will be supported eventually as a single mother again, and that i will be better off going to work and managing to pay all the bills and extra curricular activities for my daughter and still be better off! Its a lot of reform they have got to get right, housing and council tax benefits -Tax Credits -Child Benefits -CHILD MAINTENANCE! …literally the impacts are going to be felt in everything!

Take my daughters father, in jail facing about 5 years.. guaranteed to re-offend, guaranteed to be in and out of jail like the majority of criminals i know..and still somehow surprised that he has to pay child maintenance! I will have £1 off your jail income thank-you very much! and i will use it to buy a lottery ticket every week to increase my chances of giving my daughter a better life…. wise investment yes? Indeed im stepping in where he has and will always fail -I hate having to live with that thought too!

All these job cuts can’t be good either…more unemployed people… erghh these spiral out of control thoughts are being induced by thinking about this… our economy really is touch and go if these changes are going to work the government needs to listen to the people who want its help -like me! In order to not slew us into further stricken poverty..because i wont have any trouble wasting the last 5 years of NHS therapy and going back to shoplifting in order to survive, i don’t want to but if i have to there is always a way! ….see the knock on effect here? let me break it down for you incase you missed the point; cut my benefits and not help me effectively back into work, drive me to shoplift or compensate the loss, keep me in therapy longer fighting the urges and need to commit bad patterns of addictive behaviour thus increasing spend and demand on NHS services…KAPISH? oh no wait; cut NHS services and see a surge in criminals and substance degenerates unable to get the help to quit… and wave goodbye to society as we know it!

Say hello to bigger social divides between rich-poor, and all the pro’s and con’s that come with it -New world order! GREAT!

Letters To And Fro

I got a letter from my maternal grandfather…sent to me via the social worker?! Perplexed as to why he didn’t just get my address of mother dearest.. anyhow so its take me 2 weeks to read! not because its long..6 pages isn’t that long is it? LOL mainly because the first line after addressing me was; Their once was a king named Solomon… do i need to go further? I wont, but after finally reading it i saw yet another persona of mother dearest’s except this is the persona of my grandfather she borrows from time to time, wonder if i borrow my parents personality’s? GOSH I HOPE NOT!! I probably don’t need to explain how i feel about this revelation… they don’t shock me anymore, it just deepens the understand of the work I’ve got cut out to make things work in this family!

After being rialled by my grandfathers ramblings i sat back (yes in the sun of a local park, with some tunes playing in my ear to help the mood) and looked around me, i wondered if anyone in this park right now had problems with their family like i do, from the housewife’s picnicking with their children, the dads playing football with their sons, OAP’s reading a book or lapping the park 10 times before admiring a tree.. i figured out that they all probably do in their own extent, and so with this thought in my head i wrote my response to my grandfather, ignoring his hysteria slandering and abstract relations of practically every holy book to my life and doings as the child he once knew, as a woman; a mother and with an open mind and heart. I posted it today and will stick it up here when i can be arsed to type some more!

I do wonder what he will write back? …if he’ll be able to not lecture the sarcastic adult who wrote him back with a taste of his own medicine.. i didn’t give him any examples except his own sound advise… i do make myself laugh!

He told me i was in love with my own intelligence without knowing it? perhaps i am.. or maybe i have a brain and just use it unlike the OAP’s he’s surrounded by in his hillside villa!

Social Services Pressure Tactics On Vulnerable Family

I’m absolutely fuming right now, just got back from dropping my daughter off to mother dearest’s.. i had a 3 minute conversation with mother dearest where she told me she had decided to withdraw her statement to social services of giving them 2 weeks notice to get the case to court as she wasn’t going to look after her grand-daughter (my daughter) anymore.. and since telling social services they have TO mother dearest that they wont be pursuing the courts or assessing whether I’m a suitable carer or not! Mother dearest said she had come to this conclusion after seeing how upset my daughter and my sister (of the same age)  had been at the start of my other sisters holiday leave.. and said they would all end up on prozac if she gave my daughter either to me or into foster care!

I can’t explain how fuming i am… it’s not hard to work out what social services did, clear pressure tactic’s to make mother dearest think my daughter would end up in foster care! I feel so sick, a service that’s meant to be there to help has told my mother only one side to the coin, my daughter will go into care end of, I’m not even being considered as a carer let alone discussed as a possibility! What’s even worse is that my mothers solicitor hasn’t even informed her of the other avenues we would all have to go down before court could agree to my daughter going into care, like 3 months in a mother and baby unit, or daily visits from social services in my accommodation whilst the ongoing assessments are done… enough is really enough!

I can’t even vent on how non of them have any faith in me bar my aunt solicitor GP and friends, they still think I’m that crazed teenager wrought with emotional and a lack of process and understanding… wow they couldn’t be more wrong!

I just txt mother dearest saying;

“What social services have done is make you think there is no other option before my daughter could ever go into care! All to save themselves the cost of taking us to court and footing the bill! so yet again they are forcing us into court when in fact they should be! what’s even worse is that your solicitor hasn’t even told you of the drill we would have to do before my daughter could go into care i.e.. mother and baby unit etc.! this is a joke.. I’ve got a journalist on call ready to put this whole story through every national paper and GMTV chat show possible, the only thing that stops me is your privacy, i can handle the invasion but you can’t, but sooner or later it will end up in press and I’m going to have a field day ripping this case and social services apart!I think you really underestimate my intelligence and  capability’s as a mum, i don’t get why you need a judge to tell you I’m fit enough? social services are just advisor’s right? (as they keep preaching and proclaiming) so why not just take an interest in me and see for yourself how capable i am! you know it, i don’t know why you need to hear it from a judge ? what fool has to hear from a judge how capable ones child is? you have choices, but if you insist on doing it through court because you wont stand up then so be it on your peril. I’ve never been more ready or prepared i just hope you are too..? X”

I can’t even go into the psychological flip side this shows from mother dearest’s part, it fully clarifys/confirms exactly what i say about her and her lack of capable parenting, it screams using ones child to get to the parent, hysterical erratic irrational behaviour, not of sound mind! Need i say anymore?!

Ok so getting that off my chest to her has helped a little… now i really need these journalists to all get on-board with me on this… MEDIA PRESSURE IS SOOO NEEDED TO EXPOSE THIS SHODDY SOCIAL SERVICE!!

Please pass this on, re-tweet, send to all your email contacts.. someone somewhere has a big contact for me who will guaranteed make a shed load out of my case and help revolutionize social service’s procedures by exposing this! HELP!

Teenage surging scrums screaming & lack of scruples over fashion?

American Apparel Rummage Sale in London 02-04-10 WHAT A  FLOP!

But WHY?…. I’ll gladly tell you;

Firstly what sane company that’s held rummage sales all over the world decides after setting a 22,000 sq ft warehouse on Brick Lane in London, and plugging it on Facebook to get 28,623 confirmed attending guests; doesn’t set up guard rails round at least 2 corners of the block? ON A BANK HOLIDAY!? Brainless? YES…

Then out of those 28,623 confirmed attending guests on Facebook how many of those were under 16? Oh I’ll tell you; the majority that turned up today (Friday) they looked about 15, and made me feel as if i was a dinosaur! But what was more disturbing was when at 10 am they did open that tiny black door of 81 Brick Lane and let the first 60 people in (EPIC FAIL!) those under 18’s went storming ahead creating scrums like we were actually in a school corridor reliving out secondary school years! I’m 23 and was thoroughly disgusted by these clearly middle class teenagers and their awful surging scrums screaming and lack of scruples! Donned in the apparel leggings oversized shirts and plimsoles with buns on their heads resembling nothing more than a dog plop from my daughters “who done it” story book!

My veins chilled and all i could think was should one of those girls have been my daughter;

  • Theirs no way she’d be at a rummage sale with her girlfriends under 16 in Brick Lane- id be escorting obviously!
  • If she was mature enough to go to a rummage sale unescorted id hope that my parenting would have told her not to behave like the rest of the hysterical clearly deprived of shopping experiences brats that surrounded her!
  • How my parents would have clapped me in the head for behaving as I saw today
  • My grandparents would have made me feel so small I’d burn every piece of my apparel clothing!

What on earth has happened to the youth of today?  look at this video;

Clearly something is wrong with the youth of today if even the ones savvy enough to get on Facebook can then get to brick lane and be so frustrated that they didn’t even get into buy some discounted American Apparel clothing!

However after watching Eastenders last night and seeing the whole Jack-Billie Police being the best gang talk (which almost convinced me to join the met!) I was so horribly appalled by the 2 police women who decided to assert their hormones to my friends and I whom were standing with about 4 other people pontificating our next move..drinks or food… to be told to “move now or we will push you!” has London Met gone power mad? Or did it just so happen that these two police women were suffering from PMT on a bank holiday they’d rather not be working (even though their getting double pay!) and decided after training in some rural village to move to London join the Met for better pay and try to experience city life at its rawest! (yea because the American Apparel Rummage was so overly raw! LOL) I was thoroughly disappointed in them and thought thank god I don’t pay national insurance!

A thorough shame to the force.. No wonder London children/teens have had enough, nowhere to safe socialize, no decent clean parks to play in, not enough free easily accessible physical activity’s to par take in and parents who clearly don’t have a clue on how to guide or nurture them if even the middle class ones managed to start today’s scrum!

Wow that leaves me feeling so hopeful about raising my daughter, and watching her experience the joy’s London brings (are you detecting my sarcasm?!) ooof government have a lot to answer for because yes they are ‘part’ responsible for all the children/teens running about ready to wreak havoc at the slightest frustration or opportunity!

I cant find any positive outcomes from today, I hope this is reflected in my writing here; I AM DUMBFOUNDED!

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