Pre Court Tenseness

A week away from being back in court for the case, and again im faced with another bias fabricated report.. thank god i have a decent solicitor and friends who can calm my frustrated tears fearful that i am about to be slaughtered again by the lovely bastards that are social services!

This time they new social worker has slipped up, hopefully discrediting her whole report by writing that she asked my 5 yo daughter whether she wants to stay with mummy for 7 days, to which my daughter replied no i want things to stay the same. Then got emotional that night saying if i live with you will i never see nanny or my aunties again? And of course i reassured her that would  never happen and explained she would get to spend weekends with nanny and aunties, or have sleep overs here.. which sorted that out!

The whole report is clearly rushed, spelling is awful and she makes no reference to my recent assessment from the mental health team who decided they were happy with my self sought counselling, and determination to get to family therapy with mother dearest, and saw no reason for me to have CBT despite social services insistence on the basis of a report 2 years old. -I told them i progress fast 🙂 ..The onus through the whole report is a clear character assassination, not an assessment of my parenting skills or progress to date, i would like to point out that social services have not asked me to do anything more than chase up therapy which i have done very successfully! It also makes me out as very supportive or sympathetic to mother dearest situation (again why do they think i have to mother my mother in some role reversal?) Thankfully i have 3 professional supporting letters contradicting her whole report.. if this doesn’t get me residency back then the shared residency we will settle on will see that social services have no input into arrangements mother dearest and i make from then on regarding changes to increase my contact/responsibility!

As ive been legally advised; they didn’t take you to court then, so they certainly wont now! You just have to tow the line with your mum in family therapy and that will enable you to have your daughter back. I’m still speechless as to why my incompetent mother still gets to dictate my life? I’m 24 now.. this has long gone further than a joke! Especially when my mother is getting donation food bags over christmas due to not having any money, when as it clearly states in this lovely report; She is in receipt of income support and child & tax benefits, lives with her husband who works and receives ÂŁ50 per week from her working son as a contribution towards board and lodgings, she is also in receipt of housing and council tax benefits. Yet kicks up a stink when i question why she can afford to go on holiday yet cannot afford to buy my daughter new clothes? And manages to get the social worker believe i am bullying her, to which the social worker writes up as me projecting my issues onto mother dearest! This woman is a joke!!

Nevertheless all my supporting letters (including one from my brother stating he gave her over ÂŁ700 in the space of 2 weeks not the ÂŁ50 as stated!!-He has since moved out) will show the judge what a useless piece of crap social services are, and how capable i am of parenting despite their reported misconceptions.

I have to put a lot of my progress down to my amazing aunty who went and qualified as an NLP therapist to help me through this, it’s still an emotional battle at times, but it gets easier everyday as i learn how to fully trust myself and let go of all those safe nauseating feelings that kept me a prisoner of abuse. I know i wouldn’t have got this far without some radical non NHS therapy, i would never have been able to afford NLP and i am forever grateful for my aunt’s wisdom & love.

It isn’t a happy ending yet…. I still have this case to win, and a fight with all the other parents who have fallen victim to the corruption in social services and family law to revolutionize this debilitating system.

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Stripped Of Your Motherhood

It’s those things that you really feel, that no one else can even comprehend what you’re going through; that hurt the most,

Not doing the school runs; some parents would love to lie in! I would love to go to school and do the playground politics and be on the PTA… But I’m stripped of that!

Running baths, making breakfast, being there to answer her questions… debate birthdays, meet fellow mums for coffee, go food shopping and buy kiddies yoghurts, babybel, clothes on sale in gap.. Matching outfits from H&M… late night trips to the corner shop for a bar of chocolate…

The smells and sounds of brushing her hair after a fresh bath and watching her curls spring back up…

Feeling proud that she has learnt her new letters and words sent home from school in homework packs…  that I help her learn!

Watching her form healthy social circles, and lasting friendships locally which mean she is safe to go to the park afterschool when she becomes a teenager.

Taking her to swimming classes…and watching her swim in the waves at the beach on holiday.

Being able to go to bed happy, being able to sleep without wondering… knowing my baby I gave birth to is safe.

But I go to bed understanding why my grandmother (mother dearest’s mum) killed herself, and in the back of my hopeful positive mind is the thought that perhaps tonight I may never wake up to live another day fighting this dreadful world to be a decent mother for my daughter again.. That perhaps everything I’m fighting for is for a lost cause, and that it is my path to just give up live everyone else has?

Id lost everything that made me a mother, id lost my baby; my daughter, I still have the stretch marks to prove I had her, riddled across my stomach and boobs… id even contemplated hiding my shameful family history and fabricating a new version of my old life in a bunch of lies that I used to be fat and had lost the weight and that would be why I had stretch marks! But my conscience would consume me if I denied my daughter who made me who I am today, id be better off dead than in denial!  And that is exactly why I continue to fight for justice, fight for my daughter, and am fighting to change social policies so that no person has to feel like this ever! Everything that I’ve been forced to feel is barbaric, especially to my mind! And I can’t help but think that should I have been brought up in a different society or with different parents I wouldn’t have had to ever feel this way!

What the hell is making parents so selfish and unable to care for their Child’s needs?

Am I naive to think that this hasn’t always been an issue? Surely even when parents had children way back when it was out of love, and not need for offspring to help provide or to be a carer when needed in your old age? Why the hell are people having children when their own emotional needs aren’t even catered for by themselves… is it their parents fault? Societies? But more importantly WHY isn’t this huge error in society being addressed or at least helped?! It doesn’t take a genius to work out that half the people in this country are depressed and feel unloved… Yet the only help they (and sometimes we!) get are antidepressant’s and a nice waiting list for some counselling or therapy with a psychologist who doesn’t even prep for the “cognitive” sessions, as the mental patients upstairs who have totally lost their minds require more of his brain space!

Does anyone wonder what its like to be stripped of your motherhood? Everything you as parents take for granted taken away?And if you haven’t got kids imagine you just found out your boyfriend cheated on you and lied everyday to you times that painful feeling by a million and you may just begin to understand how it feels to be stripped of your motherhood! Its something i wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, but something that un-recordable amounts of mother’s here in the UK experience every day.

Where social workers burst into maternity wards to take babies hours old away from their mothers, instead of trying to help support these mums and rehabilitate them back into a normal lifestyles! We wouldn’t deny a baby milk to feed it, so why do social services think its ok to neurologically scar an infant from birth by taking them away from their mother, deny them breast milk to nourish their growth? where it’s scientifically proven that dissociation can severely damage a babies mental and physical development! If social services can leave children living with their alcoholic drug abusing parents, babies who are born in withdrawal, how are they able to condone taking a child from its mother for anything else? I understand each case is different, and everyone has their own issues, but with adequate therapy, parenting guidance (from professionals who themselves are parents!) and support from social services and your gp there is no reason why a person shouldn’t want to better their lives for the sake of their child! and there is no reason that should deny any person this help!!

Were all human, but why does it feel like no one really cares?