Separated Families

Today I attended the Separated Families workshop run for parents dealing with separation issues, sitting in the meeting i could hear mothers brain ticking away as the penny slowly dropped, with every explanation of behaviour signs, exchange of experiences between parents, and the simple solutions Karen provided. I know mother left understanding more that what she came out of Mediation with, and we both managed to agree that such courses should be run in conjunction with if not before Mediation Sessions to be most productive!

The simple yet effective methods of explaining how behaviours and feelings work, using the research like Kubler Ross -Change Curve, doesn’t even leave you needing to verify his theory as it really does make perfect sense! And if you did question or unsure of how an example from your life fitted into the subject we were discussing Karen or one of her team were able to simplify your own emotions and feelings so clearly, you felt a bit stupid for not realising it yourself! Ok not even stupid..I’m exaggerating.. it was like someone re-worded your sentence and made it simple enough for a 5 year old to relate to! Being in an environment with other parents sharing their experiences and troubles was so moving, and probably for me the biggest lesson i learned in yet again keeping perspective; that there are other people in the world going through what you are, you’re not alone, and in a split second you’ve had the reality check you needed to tell you, you’re not an alien, this is fairly normal and now you can move on to find a solution to your next problem… that is some of what life is all about i suppose!

I’m still in total disgust that everything effectively positive I have had to go out of my way to find and if not funded under legal aid I’ve forces social services to pay for! and that they played no help or role in helping me find such services… i really do wonder what social services do now? ..i think i may go look their ethos up!

Back to the point; Separated Families: what an inspiring team Karen has… you can guarantee I’m now preparing a few letters to the Local Authority and all the relevant ministers in support of the benefits of using Separated Families workshops to empower and better help the everyday service user of the lower end of society, because we all know social services don’t touch families of wealth with a barge pole! And really they are the ones who need so much help, i can already foresee in families then community’s, the changes such an empowering and understanding course could bring to better peoples lives.

As always ill keep you updated with my progress on that!  …I’m off now to de-Nit my infested hair! 😀 joyus times! X

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Social Services Pressure Tactics On Vulnerable Family

I’m absolutely fuming right now, just got back from dropping my daughter off to mother dearest’s.. i had a 3 minute conversation with mother dearest where she told me she had decided to withdraw her statement to social services of giving them 2 weeks notice to get the case to court as she wasn’t going to look after her grand-daughter (my daughter) anymore.. and since telling social services they have TO mother dearest that they wont be pursuing the courts or assessing whether I’m a suitable carer or not! Mother dearest said she had come to this conclusion after seeing how upset my daughter and my sister (of the same age)  had been at the start of my other sisters holiday leave.. and said they would all end up on prozac if she gave my daughter either to me or into foster care!

I can’t explain how fuming i am… it’s not hard to work out what social services did, clear pressure tactic’s to make mother dearest think my daughter would end up in foster care! I feel so sick, a service that’s meant to be there to help has told my mother only one side to the coin, my daughter will go into care end of, I’m not even being considered as a carer let alone discussed as a possibility! What’s even worse is that my mothers solicitor hasn’t even informed her of the other avenues we would all have to go down before court could agree to my daughter going into care, like 3 months in a mother and baby unit, or daily visits from social services in my accommodation whilst the ongoing assessments are done… enough is really enough!

I can’t even vent on how non of them have any faith in me bar my aunt solicitor GP and friends, they still think I’m that crazed teenager wrought with emotional and a lack of process and understanding… wow they couldn’t be more wrong!

I just txt mother dearest saying;

“What social services have done is make you think there is no other option before my daughter could ever go into care! All to save themselves the cost of taking us to court and footing the bill! so yet again they are forcing us into court when in fact they should be! what’s even worse is that your solicitor hasn’t even told you of the drill we would have to do before my daughter could go into care i.e.. mother and baby unit etc.! this is a joke.. I’ve got a journalist on call ready to put this whole story through every national paper and GMTV chat show possible, the only thing that stops me is your privacy, i can handle the invasion but you can’t, but sooner or later it will end up in press and I’m going to have a field day ripping this case and social services apart!I think you really underestimate my intelligence and  capability’s as a mum, i don’t get why you need a judge to tell you I’m fit enough? social services are just advisor’s right? (as they keep preaching and proclaiming) so why not just take an interest in me and see for yourself how capable i am! you know it, i don’t know why you need to hear it from a judge ? what fool has to hear from a judge how capable ones child is? you have choices, but if you insist on doing it through court because you wont stand up then so be it on your peril. I’ve never been more ready or prepared i just hope you are too..? X”

I can’t even go into the psychological flip side this shows from mother dearest’s part, it fully clarifys/confirms exactly what i say about her and her lack of capable parenting, it screams using ones child to get to the parent, hysterical erratic irrational behaviour, not of sound mind! Need i say anymore?!

Ok so getting that off my chest to her has helped a little… now i really need these journalists to all get on-board with me on this… MEDIA PRESSURE IS SOOO NEEDED TO EXPOSE THIS SHODDY SOCIAL SERVICE!!

Please pass this on, re-tweet, send to all your email contacts.. someone somewhere has a big contact for me who will guaranteed make a shed load out of my case and help revolutionize social service’s procedures by exposing this! HELP!

Daily Digestions

I told myself id respond to two government consultations tonight: Social Fund reform: debt, credit and low-income households and the Support for All: the Families and Relationships Green Paper, but I’m so brain-dead i literally have no space in my mind to delve into politics tonight! I’ve sorted through 40 tabs of internet pages and now have 3 left up there waiting to get down to one, i open up my emails daily and am inundated with things to comment on! That will teach me to be so opinionated i guess! I will do it in the next couple days… you can guarantee it will provoke some more blogging! 😀

Today i got a call from my grandfather (mother dearest’s father) he was projecting the hysteria mother dearest had undoubtedly filled him with, demanding to know why my daughter is now going up for adoption! I had to say it was all news to me, how my mother has turned potential foster care into adoption i have no idea! It really just reiterated to me how much my family really don’t know me, or never even really bothered to get to know me! some part of the human brain must be rather clever in self protecting from the vulnerability that would ensue should you even talk to your child and unearth that actually your are the reason they were a screwed up kid! ….So i put him straight on a few things and gave him a few home truths mostly on his prodigal daughter whom he then deemed a simple mother hen! My family really are something else!

The feedback I’ve been getting on here and twitter has been really moving and I’m really glad so many people are reading and responding to my posts on my life! It’s really adding to the motivation and is helping my self-esteem and my assurance is steadily growing stronger, I’m so determined now to keep networking and seeking out the break I’m so desperate for! One of my friends said to me the other day that instead of going tabloid first i should wait for case to close then go to This Morning and GMTV for the in sofa shows! Now that would really be something!!

I’m waiting on social services this week; to tell me they’ve sought their legal advise and to arrange the next meeting before court where they try to get me to agree to foster care for my daughter… FAT CHANCE! I wonder if they can see that once they get into court my solicitor is going to crumble their case against me, just with the fact that they have been aware of my family for 8 years and have only now really got involved! (im talking from a legal point of view) ooof the judge is going to have a field day picking apart as to why they haven’t already done the assessments I’ve been asking for, and only now just decided my daughter should have a psychological assessment! Coincidentally they decided that the day after they asked me what i though they should be doing/have done differently! Oh wait am i the social worker or are they?!

That is one thing i read somewhere across the net somewhere and thought oh my god spot on, it was written in 2009 and had said that psychological assessments of children known to social services should be a first step when dealing with any case where a child is involved, social workers aren’t psychologists and clearly their training isn’t thorough enough to identify depth’s of which they need to in order to spot abuse in modern society!

And on that note I’m off to bed, the ole wisdom tooth is giving me jip! X

Off to court we go!

Today i had parents evening, today we had the child in need meeting, and today mother dearest received a letter i wrote last night, and today decided she will be relinquishing care of my daughter in the next 2 weeks, social services will be asking me in the next few days if i will agree for my daughter to go into temporary foster care whilst they assess my parenting, of which i will not agree! I want my daughter home with me and i am gonna fight for this! They of course are going to fight that they want my daughter in foster care until im proven to be sound, trouble is they forget that actually they should have been assessing from a long time ago whether i was suitable or not, and given that up until january i was having unsupervised overnight contact, social services are going to find it hard to prove im not a suitable carer in the short-term! The fight to prove my daughter is suffering from emotional abuse, parental alienation and attachment disorder is going to be a hard one considering social services aren’t trained to spot it in such complicated dynamics, it is going to be a real eye opener for the british public, i am going to try to get a journalist in to cover the case… if anyone knows of someone or anyone that wold be interested do get in contact!

I guess this is all where the end officially starts, like the NSPCC said i have to remain emotionless when outside my house and prove i don’t falter, hard when today i keep bursting into tears without a thought even popping into my head! never the less tomorrow after some sleep the fight will begin!

I have never been more ready

Mental Health- Me? Real Or Just Another Stereotype?

My first referral…NHS told me I had a personality disorder and was suffering from depression; aged 15

Then I had the private referral which mother dearest paid for; Confirmed ADHD

The difference between the two referrals; The NHS assessment took 1 hour of talking to me whilst I was stoned and in a bad  mood because mother dearest had pissed me off by a doctor who couldn’t have been older than 28 and spoke quite broken English, and seemed herself to be pissed off with doing her job! The private assessment was a little better, id filled out a questionnaire  before hand, and was left in a room for about 30 minutes to hit a laptop key when I saw specific colours or something id been told to do, of which I didn’t take seriously and thought hmm let me see if I can  hack this computer and proceeded to use my computer knowledge to have a look around this laptops mainframe, which meant the end results of the program I was meant to complete were conclusive of those of a person with ADHD, it didn’t highlight my intrigue with BIOS! Mother Dearest and I spoke to the doctor for an hour of which the doctor confirmed I did have ADHD.

I cant help but think both assessments were equally floored, the overworked under trained NHS vs. the private easy to influence overpaid eager to get me into private treatment for more money, and I wonder whether mother dearest specifically took me to this ADHD doctor because her narcissistic Munchausen self wanted the diagnosis more to ease her own conscience and deflect any responsibility from her bad parenting!

Then of my own accord trying to get myself sectioned around the ages of 16/17 by walking into A&E and sitting for 4 hours to ramble on to a doctor about how dangerous I was to the public and myself only to be sent back to mother dearest or my B&B with some Diazepam! Even after being arrested once for carrying an offensive weapon (the night I went to try to do my daughters father then my BF in with my mini baseball bat and a solid metal scraper id found, mother had called the police and said we were both going to kill each other and they found be cycling my BMX down the road like nothing had happened!) the police put me in the back of the car and after talking to me and deciding it was a busy Friday night and the only available police station was miles out they would take me to the mental health unit instead to be assessed, I saw an African nurse who spoke to me..By now it was 2am (id been arrested at 10 pm!) I was calm again; rage over and she sent let me go knowing I was going back to my then BF after we’d both tried to do each other in! I was still a kid; I had no monies and walked about 3 miles to get back to his house for 6am, conveniently stealing the milk bread and orange juice off the doorsteps of the local’s en-route to keep me going!

When I then found out I was pregnant and had decided to go ahead with having my daughter, I actively walked into social services begging for their help so that I wouldn’t continue the patterns of behaviour from my mother and have problems with post natal depression, numerous times only to be sent away as being attention seeking or hysterical as my mother had labelled me, No one listened aside from my GP, my support worker the council had given me and my midwife, and all their hand were tied in the system of red tape as if we pushed too much with my ‘mental health’ problems I could risk having my child taken into care! So we all hoped and worked towards almost ignoring what was going on behind the scenes as there were inadequate services to help me.

I eventually needed CBT therapy 6-12 months after having my daughter, and was in and out of that, but the actual issue I was in there for never was addressed: My mother, she was the root cause of my problems and as long as I continued to see her and require her mothering I would be forever doomed to never break the cycle. Instead of the mental heath service helping me to break free or telling me, your mother is the problem do not see her or your child will be taken from you, they left me being still a child vulnerable to my own mother.

Seeing my father sectioned before my 18th birthday whilst I was pregnant further opened my eyes, cannabis induced schizophrenic who checked himself out of the unit, and after 2 weeks of being back home with his mother stopped taking his medication keeping him sane, and now he’s left roaming with his same paranoid thoughts and talks, not in therapy not in work with the job centre still sending him for work interviews! As his family were now forced with putting him back in a section where he can’t leave until treatment is completed (this leaves him vulnerable to shock treatment and any other method they want to trial on him) or spending his inheritance on his private treatment, as my Nan he lives with is herself dying from brain disease caused by smoking and is now needing pretty much constant supervision, its his care or hers the inheritance will end up being spent on, she doesn’t know she is dying… and yet her doctor who knows my fathers previous history told my father of her diagnosis instead me or any of his other siblings, my father shouldered the diagnosis for a while before breaking down and telling mother dearest who then told me which meant I had to tell my uncles their mother is dying as my father couldn’t tell them! And still no help or support from any mental health or social service, because we know they will zap my Nan’s fortune she worked hard for to leave to her descendants instead of having it snatched by the state that has never helped her!

I look at those last left native tribes who believe people with ‘mental health’ issues are in fact highly psychic and in tune with some higher force, and instead of casting out these people they nurture and embrace their uniqueness turning the ‘mental’ ones into mystics or such status, I cant help but feel they’ve got it right in their methods of treating and supporting those left vulnerable in their tribes. Reading through an article online I found this:

“Often, these problematic behavioural and substance abuse disorders are directly related to the tribal client’s personal history, which was influenced by their parenting and thus, indirectly by the experiences of their parents and grandparents.  In many historical situations (some recent), tribal individuals, their parents, and their grandparents have been adversely impacted by various traumatic experiences.

Historical impacts to tribal families, in combination with a culture of poverty, lead to situations within which parents, grandparents or other caregivers were not able to provide adequate care.”

I then went on to read:

“Thus, each successive generation of tribal parents has experienced their own adverse impacts, roughly in the following order: 1.) The introduction of disease into the system, for which there was no immunity; 2.) Dispossession of property and enforced moving to reserved lands (i.e., typically of marginal value); 3.) Persecution and murder during the various “Indian Wars”; 4.) Enforced assimilation and acculturation through the general allotment act and the federal boarding school system; 5.) Oppression of and outlawing of religion, cultural, and language (i.e., which is the carrier of culture); 6.) Introduction to vices, such as alcohol and drugs; 7.) Inappropriate and inefficient management of governmental and health care systems by dominant culture bureaucrats; 8.) The acting out of internalized oppression through domestic violence and child sexual abuse on other tribal peoples, both within and outside the nuclear family by native people.”

Found here: http://www.bhconference.com/…/Learning%20Objectives%20Final%207%2022%2009.pdf

I was left thinking and feeling as if we all still have historical tribal issues in an inner London modern mindset, and am now pickled as to how science fits in with traditional native beliefs in regards to mental health? I’m sure science just disregards these beliefs. We all have issues which un-addressed or ignored will lead us to a more severe coping strategy our brains are forced to concoct… is it right to call these mental illnesses? And does this stop us from helping those with actual real neurological disorders caused by alcohol drugs and birth defects? If our NHS system is inundated with forced coping mental illnesses that aren’t being helped or resolved by lack of funding and inadequately trained or experienced psychologists how on earth are they helping the people with real mental health disorders? Why is medication being used as a quick fix when that expense it costs the NHS could go to decent therapists, I forget this world is all about money and exploitation.

I’m afraid my life is a classic example of this systems failures and my struggle to break free of the chains so many are happy to just accept, we are all a way for a reason, they day we stop striving for a better mind and a better life we may as well be just euthanized before we spread our unresolved issues onto our children to burden the break!

EA & Differences in Culture

I come from a very mixed heritage, although i was born here in the UK practically every generation in my lineage comes from a different country, i survived the mocking when i was younger of kids saying  i was “confused” because i didn’t know where i came from, and was even told on occasions that they felt sorry for me as at least the black/white mixed race people knew where they were from! I’m still to meet a person from as many cultures as i am.. but the effects of my genetics goes beyond looks, petty bullying and family arguments on whether im having an arranged marriage, if im going to a church of England church as a baptised catholic?! You only have to look at my parents to see how the clashes in our heritage werent addressed! My mothers parents had contradicting values her father being from an authoritarian Austrian family where education and routines were enforced, clashing with her mother from a very native influence where the tradition had been for the grandmother to play often the leading role in raising the grandchild/ren, sometimes through unfortunate circumstances ie. death in childbirth, work commitments. Compared to my father whose parents were both very family orientated, and had overcome the intense pressure from their family’s my nan coming from a irish decent where woman were domesticated and manual workers, and not as schooled as my granddad who was typically Indian and had strong views on how women should be in the home, so it’s no wonder both my parents had trouble setting boundaries for themselves let alone for their children!

Increasingly this isn’t a limited situation i find in my family, be it black, white, asian,arab, European mixes cultural combinations are becoming more mixed and more common in everyday society, breaking free of family stereotypes has never been addressed in our society without oppression! And our government needs to have clear boundaries on law, schooling and rights amongst the rest! i don’t think their quite there yet!! Because it is leaving children exposed to increased domestic violence, religious outcasting from places of worship and especially families! the sheer number or children especially in their teens who are scrutinised for dating outside of their culture by their family’s is astonishing! its hard to fathom how such travesty’s can still occur in extreme cases, let alone think about how a CHILD could deal with rejection over a feeling that is natural to our generation where race colour or religion doesn’t influence how we choose our partners!

The signs are evident across our cities and towns, you only need to walk down my high street to see the array of cuisine’s in abundance, but behind the business, behind the smile on the mothers face at the school gates or the friendly hello to the local green grocer the stories are very different and becoming increasingly common on the subject of parenting, as even the people following religion are having problems setting clear boundaries for their children, and in the cases where domestic violence is occurring who is there to protect the child behind closed doors?

when mothers/fathers are so caught up in their partner drama’s that they forget about safeguarding their own children from abusive situations that effectively damage the children’s minds from a very young age! Where teenage parents barely able to cope with their own emotions and conflicts are left holding the baby with a black eye or a cut lip.. self-esteem, so run into the ground they feel they have no one else to turn to! some cast out from their families for having a cross culture teenage pregnancy and some still in contact with their familys and still see their own parents tormented by issues they are now experiencing.

We rely on our G.P’s, school teachers, police, Childline, NSPCC and most importantly our friends to help get us through, but the lack of knowledge and guidelines for professionals to follow when spotting the signs of our abuse is extremely limited and severely outdated! Sexual and physical Abuse have clear guidelines on child protection and how to asses the family situation, but doesn’t always mean that the professionals always pick up on them! And don’t get me started on Emotional Abuse because im living truth that the guidelines in place DO NOT WORK OR PROTECT CHILDREN! Social circles are becoming a life line in this country for children and young people, where people with very similar issues are coming together to form almost group therapy like friendship settings with each other, and through their own experiences can provide reality checks to some, advise on breaking free of the destructive chains in their familys to others, and for those who are outcasted can be the stepping-stones and support system for the person unable to tolerate being demeaned beaten and crushed by the ones who profess to love you! Were a generation let down by a system unable to address the psychological effects history is now having on us, and those who choose to address their historical issues and not bury their heads in alcohol drugs or some form of substance abuse are few and far between! But i am not able to just bury my head and desensitize myself from the problems occurring in this world! I sometimes wish i was…gosh how ignorance really is bliss! But if i didn’t feel something i wouldn’t be human..or a very good one at that of i continued to turn a blind eye!

I can’t let my child live in a society i helped mess up by not speaking out about the injustices of the system, not speaking out is as good as saying you can beat me, rape my soul, take my children and condemn them into a world where no one cares! Society couldn’t be that cruel could it?