Recent thought’s on Emotional Abuse

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about life and my blog and what i initially set this up to do, which was to help me stop her (mother dearest) from emotionally abusing her children (me and my siblings) and I’m not sure whether I’ve become disheartened with fighting this cause, or if in actual fact I’ve just learnt so much about it now, that i realise no one can actually help stop this problem.. mainly because its such a widespread issue in our society, emotional abuse is more than just shouting at your children or partner, it’s the long-term effect of living with a person who has numerous unresolved issues of their own which causes them to be unable to cope with everyday things in life, such as mood swings, hormones and the ever-changing society we live in.

I really don’t believe we will ever get to the bottom of emotional abuse unless people stop having children willy nilly, and realise what’s actually wrong with them, through therapeutic services and TIME! and then deal with their issues that make them unable to cope with such things..

and so because of this im thinking of renaming my blog, not sure of what yet but it feels like the right thing to do in order to take my writing to the next step… not sure where that is yet but life has its ways i guess.

In one of my friend counselling convo’s i made a comment to one of my friends this week about how families behave like animals in some circumstances, and i referred to several types of animal behaviour; Monkeys whom expel the one from the group who shows himself to be different, the bullying this monkey endures before being chased out of the group and exiled,and the Lions who very rarely have more than one male per pride, which i don’t need to explain why as we’ve all seen the discovery channel! It’s these exact behaviours animals exhibit which remind me of what many of my friends have experienced with their own families, difference being; Parents not being able to cope with not ruling the roost or being the boss anymore and having to allow their child the space to exert their own personality and preferences in lifestyle, which often parents consciously don’t want to allow or accept has happened, they fail to see the need to say “MY HOUSE MY RULES! DON’T LIKE IT FUCK OFF!” or have the ability to help their child leave the nest successfully with the understanding that everyone needs their own space thus being it their time to fly…

how is it that as humans we still behave like animals when it comes to connecting the brain paths between behaviour and asserting our humanity in a productive way?

Why do families fail to see how their children’s behaviours are products of their home environments?

As children (im speaking for the teens/adults who still live at home here under this term too as in my eyes if you still live at home with your parents your still a child) why are they unable to get through reasonably to their parents and break down the effects their parenting is/has had on them/their life?

Sure for me the only possible explanation is again the “my house my rules” mentality the parent is holding as a brick wall to not hear the truths their child is so clearly showing them… and again why would you as a parent not want to better your child’s life and grow your knowledge of life?! …pickles me this topic does!

It’s this example the most which grates on my soul in emotional abuse, as the above example clearly is… this unknowingly destroying abuse which causes so many problems for so many in life, which should be categorized as Emotional Abuse but is overlooked because we all endure it.

It prevents us as people from moving on in life, and understanding humanity on the whole.. heaven knows it’s the reason so many people bury their heads in distractions not always as productive as work, and yet how do we as a society or even i as the individual get this through to people in a constructive way? ..my only outlet is here in my writing, and in hope that those i send here to read will get what im writing about and fully comprehend what im talking about and take active steps to ensure bad patterns stop?

My fight goes on

Advertisements

Mood swings

Everyone has them, and yet mine feel a whole load worser than everyone else’s… and i try to figure out why; all of them triggered off by feeling of doubt within myself, feelings of doubt which stem from bad experiences as a child, bad experiences of which i had no control over, most of which were caused by Mother dearest’s rippling mood swings to someone’s behaviour… even if it wasnt mine that had spurred her into a mood id still get the brunt of it, and im still left trying to undo those feelings of self-doubt, those moments where i blamed myself for my mothers bad moods, those moments i actually believed i was wrong and punished myself for not knowing how to make them right… i still do it to myself now.

I did it to myself today, my daughter had the worst tantrum friday night, and woke up saturday  (today) still asserting her erratic behaviour, the behaviour she exerts when with mother dearest, the behaviour she uses to deal with mother dearest’s mood swings and inconsistent parenting, the behaviour that is very similar to mine; minus the crying and shouting… and all i could do was feel awful, that she was behaving like this and i didn’t know how to stop or help her through those emotions… (i don’t know how to get through mine aside from sleeping it off)  so i did what i knew best and stood my ground, calmly told her she needed to put her other dress on, as the dress she wanted to wear was dirty needed washing and she wasnt able to wear it anyway as i had to sew a button back on! and that until she put her other dress on we werent going out, she refused cried shouted threw things and i ignored her, when she’d calmed down i explained to her that we werent going out today, que tantrum round 2! I was vexed by not getting to go out, the suns been banging and i could have done with some vitamin D intake! never the less she went into her room and got on with doing her thing… i went to bed, fell asleep and was woken by her telling me she was waiting.. and was hungry.. so we ate our left over pizza from last nights dinner and she went back off to play, both of us knowing we both needed our own space… so later on we’d just ate dinner, i asked her to go get ready for bed…. no problems no tantrums no attitude!! GREAT! bed time was no drama or con woman tricks she usually tries to pull and we sat and talked about what happened today, that tantrums will cause bad moods and ruin days so listening to mummy is what she needs to do coz mummy’s know best! she spoke about how she felt; its ok mummy i was being silly.

I couldn’t help but feel as if now i was the one in the wrong in the first place, and that now she’s going to think every time she has a tantrum im going to get in a bad mood…? I really need to check this issue of unresolved childhood bad patterns of behaviour, i don’t want to ever feel like i did today ever again and i feel sooo bad for falling asleep! Even though i clearly needed a nap… and she couldn’t have cared less where i was as she was swimming in her room full of new toys from her recent birthday! But at least now i hope we’ve had our bad day and will be on track for better days and less tantrums!

I sit now really resenting having to send her back to mother dearest, who still doesn’t acknowledge how destructive her behaviour still is to her children and her grand-child; my daughter, i shouldnt have to pick up the pieces every weekend from where mother dearest has practically terrorized my daughter all week with her mood swings! I just want my daughter back, more than ever now. X

Separated Families

Today I attended the Separated Families workshop run for parents dealing with separation issues, sitting in the meeting i could hear mothers brain ticking away as the penny slowly dropped, with every explanation of behaviour signs, exchange of experiences between parents, and the simple solutions Karen provided. I know mother left understanding more that what she came out of Mediation with, and we both managed to agree that such courses should be run in conjunction with if not before Mediation Sessions to be most productive!

The simple yet effective methods of explaining how behaviours and feelings work, using the research like Kubler Ross -Change Curve, doesn’t even leave you needing to verify his theory as it really does make perfect sense! And if you did question or unsure of how an example from your life fitted into the subject we were discussing Karen or one of her team were able to simplify your own emotions and feelings so clearly, you felt a bit stupid for not realising it yourself! Ok not even stupid..I’m exaggerating.. it was like someone re-worded your sentence and made it simple enough for a 5 year old to relate to! Being in an environment with other parents sharing their experiences and troubles was so moving, and probably for me the biggest lesson i learned in yet again keeping perspective; that there are other people in the world going through what you are, you’re not alone, and in a split second you’ve had the reality check you needed to tell you, you’re not an alien, this is fairly normal and now you can move on to find a solution to your next problem… that is some of what life is all about i suppose!

I’m still in total disgust that everything effectively positive I have had to go out of my way to find and if not funded under legal aid I’ve forces social services to pay for! and that they played no help or role in helping me find such services… i really do wonder what social services do now? ..i think i may go look their ethos up!

Back to the point; Separated Families: what an inspiring team Karen has… you can guarantee I’m now preparing a few letters to the Local Authority and all the relevant ministers in support of the benefits of using Separated Families workshops to empower and better help the everyday service user of the lower end of society, because we all know social services don’t touch families of wealth with a barge pole! And really they are the ones who need so much help, i can already foresee in families then community’s, the changes such an empowering and understanding course could bring to better peoples lives.

As always ill keep you updated with my progress on that!  …I’m off now to de-Nit my infested hair! 😀 joyus times! X

Updates in case…

So really positive updates in my case, and again i wont miss and opportunity to plug mediation and recommend its success, literally it had been the breakthrough my case needed! I am generally a fan of therapy and all things talking and ever therapeutic but really cant stress enough the positive benefits of it all!

Mother Dearest and i sat down yesterday to tell my daughter she’s going to be moving back home with me, in time, and on grounds that behaviour has to be kept in check with the reward of a house pet when the official move back has happened… literally i should feel on top of the moon right now, and I almost do… its just so hard to believe that I’ve made all these positive changes happen, and i guess the reality of how I’m trying to help my family is rather immense being that i fully feel like an adult now! I cant explain how thankful i feel to have my brain in this head of mine the insight into family dynamics is taking my friendship levels to a next extent… its slightly daunting having such insight as its almost like my brain never switches off, the constant intake of issues that get processed -continual problem solving of other peoples lives that teach me so much!

I’m waiting on my public funding to get my court date for residency, and have a meeting with the social worker scheduled where mother dearest and i will be detailing our plan for the move back, which will undoubtedly throw the social service team into assessment mode -LONG OVERDUE!

I cant wait!!

Off to court we go!

Today i had parents evening, today we had the child in need meeting, and today mother dearest received a letter i wrote last night, and today decided she will be relinquishing care of my daughter in the next 2 weeks, social services will be asking me in the next few days if i will agree for my daughter to go into temporary foster care whilst they assess my parenting, of which i will not agree! I want my daughter home with me and i am gonna fight for this! They of course are going to fight that they want my daughter in foster care until im proven to be sound, trouble is they forget that actually they should have been assessing from a long time ago whether i was suitable or not, and given that up until january i was having unsupervised overnight contact, social services are going to find it hard to prove im not a suitable carer in the short-term! The fight to prove my daughter is suffering from emotional abuse, parental alienation and attachment disorder is going to be a hard one considering social services aren’t trained to spot it in such complicated dynamics, it is going to be a real eye opener for the british public, i am going to try to get a journalist in to cover the case… if anyone knows of someone or anyone that wold be interested do get in contact!

I guess this is all where the end officially starts, like the NSPCC said i have to remain emotionless when outside my house and prove i don’t falter, hard when today i keep bursting into tears without a thought even popping into my head! never the less tomorrow after some sleep the fight will begin!

I have never been more ready

Stripped Of Your Motherhood

It’s those things that you really feel, that no one else can even comprehend what you’re going through; that hurt the most,

Not doing the school runs; some parents would love to lie in! I would love to go to school and do the playground politics and be on the PTA… But I’m stripped of that!

Running baths, making breakfast, being there to answer her questions… debate birthdays, meet fellow mums for coffee, go food shopping and buy kiddies yoghurts, babybel, clothes on sale in gap.. Matching outfits from H&M… late night trips to the corner shop for a bar of chocolate…

The smells and sounds of brushing her hair after a fresh bath and watching her curls spring back up…

Feeling proud that she has learnt her new letters and words sent home from school in homework packs…  that I help her learn!

Watching her form healthy social circles, and lasting friendships locally which mean she is safe to go to the park afterschool when she becomes a teenager.

Taking her to swimming classes…and watching her swim in the waves at the beach on holiday.

Being able to go to bed happy, being able to sleep without wondering… knowing my baby I gave birth to is safe.

But I go to bed understanding why my grandmother (mother dearest’s mum) killed herself, and in the back of my hopeful positive mind is the thought that perhaps tonight I may never wake up to live another day fighting this dreadful world to be a decent mother for my daughter again.. That perhaps everything I’m fighting for is for a lost cause, and that it is my path to just give up live everyone else has?

Id lost everything that made me a mother, id lost my baby; my daughter, I still have the stretch marks to prove I had her, riddled across my stomach and boobs… id even contemplated hiding my shameful family history and fabricating a new version of my old life in a bunch of lies that I used to be fat and had lost the weight and that would be why I had stretch marks! But my conscience would consume me if I denied my daughter who made me who I am today, id be better off dead than in denial!  And that is exactly why I continue to fight for justice, fight for my daughter, and am fighting to change social policies so that no person has to feel like this ever! Everything that I’ve been forced to feel is barbaric, especially to my mind! And I can’t help but think that should I have been brought up in a different society or with different parents I wouldn’t have had to ever feel this way!

What the hell is making parents so selfish and unable to care for their Child’s needs?

Am I naive to think that this hasn’t always been an issue? Surely even when parents had children way back when it was out of love, and not need for offspring to help provide or to be a carer when needed in your old age? Why the hell are people having children when their own emotional needs aren’t even catered for by themselves… is it their parents fault? Societies? But more importantly WHY isn’t this huge error in society being addressed or at least helped?! It doesn’t take a genius to work out that half the people in this country are depressed and feel unloved… Yet the only help they (and sometimes we!) get are antidepressant’s and a nice waiting list for some counselling or therapy with a psychologist who doesn’t even prep for the “cognitive” sessions, as the mental patients upstairs who have totally lost their minds require more of his brain space!

Does anyone wonder what its like to be stripped of your motherhood? Everything you as parents take for granted taken away?And if you haven’t got kids imagine you just found out your boyfriend cheated on you and lied everyday to you times that painful feeling by a million and you may just begin to understand how it feels to be stripped of your motherhood! Its something i wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, but something that un-recordable amounts of mother’s here in the UK experience every day.

Where social workers burst into maternity wards to take babies hours old away from their mothers, instead of trying to help support these mums and rehabilitate them back into a normal lifestyles! We wouldn’t deny a baby milk to feed it, so why do social services think its ok to neurologically scar an infant from birth by taking them away from their mother, deny them breast milk to nourish their growth? where it’s scientifically proven that dissociation can severely damage a babies mental and physical development! If social services can leave children living with their alcoholic drug abusing parents, babies who are born in withdrawal, how are they able to condone taking a child from its mother for anything else? I understand each case is different, and everyone has their own issues, but with adequate therapy, parenting guidance (from professionals who themselves are parents!) and support from social services and your gp there is no reason why a person shouldn’t want to better their lives for the sake of their child! and there is no reason that should deny any person this help!!

Were all human, but why does it feel like no one really cares?

Family Visits; How often is normal?

I’ve been having many discussions with my fellows on family visits, how often these meets happen and the dynamics that differ between families and their own historical patterns…

I look at my own; I hardly see my family and what and who is left of it, I’m trying to build bridges with my father and his mother (my gran) without becoming too involved or affected by their problems.. This is really hard! But even then that happens seldom 1-2 times a month, despite the incessant phone calls from my gran and her pleas for me to attend Sunday dinners…

I don’t have any family time with mother dearest, or any of my siblings

And my cousins on the MD side were all exiled from my life after my great Nan died and I’ve lost contact with them. I’m not sure if I’m ready for contact with them yet whilst things are so raw in the MD case!

My only real lasting relationship is my aunt whom I speak to regularly and we see each other when distance and work allows… my friends are my family.

My family rendezvous are all but non-existent and I do wonder if this has impacted on my ability to care for older people? The thought of looking after my parents in their old age doesn’t enter my head as it’s simply never an option! I couldn’t tell you exactly why either, as even if I think about other family members I used to have strong bonds with I again wouldn’t be able to facilitate their old age care needs.. And I sometimes feel bad that I think this way! I can’t even say that having shit parents is 100% the reason because it’s not! I can deal with one-off sickness periods and facilitate that care, but long-term illness demise definitely not.

The only thing I can relate to is thinking of my impending old age; as if my genetics is anything to go on the doom of having cancerous brain tumours or strokes, and the thought of my daughter facilitating my care turns my stomach!

Not because I don’t think she’s capable, I just don’t want her to sacrifice a period of her life wiping my ass or reassuring me that I’m not going senile! ..Being frustrated with my demise, and stressing about saving her inheritance or spending it on a carer for me! (Jumping the gun I know to think id be leaving her such a fortune!)

But straight up that is what it comes down to, I feel it is my job as her mother to give her the best…and seeing your mother in a bad state isn’t what id want her to go through, or feelings of guilt that she isn’t doing the ass wiping!

But I look at my friends, and listen to their stories of their families, and their ability and willingness to care for their parents in their old age and it does concern me… I’m not sure if a person can sacrifice a part of their life and not feel resentful even if it’s not ever expressed!! I see people still living at home with their parents and the unhealthy habits they pick up, which aren’t compensated for by the parental security and love they receive, and I often get very annoyed by their loyalty to parents who are effectively screwing them up slowly, and the blindness to see what’s going on! Especially when family rendezvous become a priority over meaningful relationships, and means letting down those people who need you! I’m talking weekly schedules with family over having your own life outside of the parental home! How much is right?

It’s really strange because I can’t say that this pattern emerges across religions or nationalities specifically, as in London the mould is very broken, and people are trying to hold onto what traditions they have left, and old people are a dying breed of knowledge and unity… Who often don’t feel that city life is able to provide that environment? But the pro’s vs. Con’s of city living is able to provide the security so many young people need and often don’t get from their parents who either are too busy working or are wrought with social issues!

Its evidence is clear in gangs and social circles that are clearly forming in schools workplaces and even neighbourhoods! Your modern-day gang isn’t just your hoodies, drug dealers, alcoholics or drug addicts… It’s now your single mothers, middle-aged mums whose partners work 24/7 with no one else to turn to but fellow mums! Fathers who are involved and excluded from parenting, the locals in the pub, and the childminders in the parks and toddler groups! Even the dog walkers! All vital necessities in keeping modern life going… Whereas before in the old days, you would have had your grandparents, mother in law, cousins, nieces and nephews to rely and call upon in times of need!

Societies traditional boundaries are now broken, it’s harder than ever to maintain healthy relationships whilst juggling what little time you have outside of work, and there is no one to tell you what is right! But there are many who will tell you what is wrong, the difference is how you use this as constructive criticism to maintain what is right for you… and use those as reality checks, because no one wants to be old and out of touch.

I’m still unsure of how much is right or wrong and if this change is a good thing or not, and I commend those who are able to provide that care for their family members, and the professionals who run the care homes and outreach care services.. I fear they will also be a dying breed if mindsets like mine become commonplace in future society, because who then will have the guts to care for the elderly in the care homes!? Who knows perhaps by then they’ll have legalized euthanasia? But that’s a whole different subject!!

It would be great to hear what you think on this…Feel free to comment or email me directly on helpmestopher@live.co.uk

Previous Older Entries