Pre Court Tenseness

A week away from being back in court for the case, and again im faced with another bias fabricated report.. thank god i have a decent solicitor and friends who can calm my frustrated tears fearful that i am about to be slaughtered again by the lovely bastards that are social services!

This time they new social worker has slipped up, hopefully discrediting her whole report by writing that she asked my 5 yo daughter whether she wants to stay with mummy for 7 days, to which my daughter replied no i want things to stay the same. Then got emotional that night saying if i live with you will i never see nanny or my aunties again? And of course i reassured her that would  never happen and explained she would get to spend weekends with nanny and aunties, or have sleep overs here.. which sorted that out!

The whole report is clearly rushed, spelling is awful and she makes no reference to my recent assessment from the mental health team who decided they were happy with my self sought counselling, and determination to get to family therapy with mother dearest, and saw no reason for me to have CBT despite social services insistence on the basis of a report 2 years old. -I told them i progress fast ūüôā ..The onus through the whole report is a clear character assassination, not an assessment of my parenting skills or progress to date, i would like to point out that social services have not asked me to do anything more than chase up therapy which i have done very successfully! It also makes me out as very supportive or sympathetic to mother dearest situation (again why do they think i have to mother my mother in some role reversal?) Thankfully i have 3 professional supporting letters contradicting her whole report.. if this doesn’t get me residency back then the shared residency we will settle on will see that social services have no input into arrangements mother dearest and i make from then on regarding changes to increase my contact/responsibility!

As ive been legally advised; they didn’t take you to court then, so they certainly wont now! You just have to tow the line with your mum in family therapy and that will enable you to have your daughter back. I’m still speechless as to why my incompetent mother still gets to dictate my life? I’m 24 now.. this has long gone further than a joke! Especially when my mother is getting donation food bags over christmas due to not having any money, when as it clearly states in this lovely report; She is in receipt of income support and child & tax benefits, lives with her husband who works and receives ¬£50 per week from her working son as a contribution towards board and lodgings, she is also in receipt of housing and council tax benefits. Yet kicks up a stink when i question why she can afford to go on holiday yet cannot afford to buy my daughter new clothes? And manages to get the social worker believe i am bullying her, to which the social worker writes up as me projecting my issues onto mother dearest! This woman is a joke!!

Nevertheless all my supporting letters (including one from my brother stating he gave her over £700 in the space of 2 weeks not the £50 as stated!!-He has since moved out) will show the judge what a useless piece of crap social services are, and how capable i am of parenting despite their reported misconceptions.

I have to put a lot of my progress down to my amazing aunty who went and qualified as an NLP therapist to help me through this, it’s still an emotional battle at times, but it gets easier everyday as i learn how to fully trust myself and let go of all those safe nauseating feelings that kept me a prisoner of abuse. I know i wouldn’t have got this far without some radical non NHS therapy, i would never have been able to afford NLP and i am forever grateful for my aunt’s wisdom & love.

It isn’t a happy ending yet…. I still have this case to win, and a fight with all the other parents who have fallen victim to the corruption in social services and family law to revolutionize this debilitating system.

Summer Holiday School?

I thought summer holiday school was something most kids would want to do if their parents could afford? and¬† then i hit on the touchy subject of sending your kids even though you don’t work, or sending kids that don’t want to go… seems this is a trickier subject than i originally thought when deciding to send my daughter to 8 days of holiday camp over 3 weeks (that’s all her school would allow per child due to demand) i hit upon my mother (surprise surprise) first agreeing to it, and then deciding a day a day later she thinks i shouldn’t be palming my daughter off during ‘holidays’ when we should be spending quality time together. Correct me if I’m wrong but 8 days out of 5 weeks with me isn’t going to kill her right? and in fact given London has a limited amount of things to do with kids, summer club should be a welcomed extra treat for my daughter, where she gets to socialize with a wider demographic of children then she would encounter at school… and break from me so she isn’t bored to death!

I then had to think about different children’s needs, and to be fair if my daughter wasn’t 5 and still doing free play at school and was pen to paper everyday in school churning out grades i probably still would send her just for the extra stimulation to continue through the “lazy break” so she didn’t loose focus (lord knows its very easy to become lazy!) I also thought it was good for kids to start doing activity’s from a young age to build their confidence and grow their interests, not only to keep them stimulated but also to give them the experience of being able to do anything they wanted, and to learn that with time and commitment they can become great at anything they put their minds to! I really do believe if you start them young enough when they get to that teenage phase of either mucking up or throwing themselves into something wholly productive it will be the productive route they choose if they’ve had the opportunity’s and experience of starting new things from a young age!

But it seems there are a lot of people who could disagree with this, and again as usual I’m forced to look at parents projecting their wants needs and excuses onto their children as to why they shouldn’t bother, or even try… the classic “I didn’t like doing it so they wont like it” attitude which really bugs me… and disastrously I’m seeing A LOT of this attitude with parents! ūüė¶ which puts me on a huge downer thinking about the opportunity’s children are/aren’t facing in life…how is it all of a sudden stimulating your child is a bad thing? and why are parents that do this classed as pushy or over stimulating their children? when clearly the children achieving into teen/adult life are the ones with the best opportunity’s and experiences in life! speaks volumes as it is..i wont go on anymore!

Recent thought’s on Emotional Abuse

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about life and my blog and what i initially set this up to do, which was to help me stop her (mother dearest) from emotionally abusing her children (me and my siblings) and I’m not sure whether I’ve become disheartened with fighting this cause, or if in actual fact I’ve just learnt so much about it now, that i realise no one can actually help stop this problem.. mainly because its such a widespread issue in our society, emotional abuse is more than just shouting at your children or partner, it’s the long-term effect of living with a person who has numerous unresolved issues of their own which causes them to be unable to cope with everyday things in life, such as mood swings, hormones and the ever-changing society we live in.

I really don’t believe we will ever get to the bottom of emotional abuse unless people stop having children willy nilly, and realise what’s actually wrong with them, through therapeutic services and TIME! and then deal with their issues that make them unable to cope with such things..

and so because of this im thinking of renaming my blog, not sure of what yet but it feels like the right thing to do in order to take my writing to the next step… not sure where that is yet but life has its ways i guess.

In one of my friend counselling convo’s i made a comment to one of my friends this week about how families behave like animals in some circumstances, and i referred to several types of animal behaviour; Monkeys whom expel the one from the group who shows himself to be different, the bullying this monkey endures before being chased out of the group and exiled,and the Lions who very rarely have more than one male per pride, which i don’t need to explain why as we’ve all seen the discovery channel! It’s these exact behaviours animals exhibit which remind me of what many of my friends have experienced with their own families, difference being; Parents not being able to cope with not ruling the roost or being the boss anymore and having to allow their child the space to exert their own personality and preferences in lifestyle, which often parents consciously don’t want to allow or accept has happened, they fail to see the need to say “MY HOUSE MY RULES! DON’T LIKE IT FUCK OFF!” or have the ability to help their child leave the nest successfully with the understanding that everyone needs their own space thus being it their time to fly…

how is it that as humans we still behave like animals when it comes to connecting the brain paths between behaviour and asserting our humanity in a productive way?

Why do families fail to see how their children’s behaviours are products of their home environments?

As children (im speaking for the teens/adults who still live at home here under this term too as in my eyes if you still live at home with your parents your still a child) why are they unable to get through reasonably to their parents and break down the effects their parenting is/has had on them/their life?

Sure for me the only possible explanation is again the “my house my rules” mentality the parent is holding as a brick wall to not hear the truths their child is so clearly showing them… and again why would you as a parent not want to better your child’s life and grow your knowledge of life?! …pickles me this topic does!

It’s this example the most which grates on my soul in emotional abuse, as the above example clearly is… this unknowingly destroying abuse which causes so many problems for so many in life, which should be categorized as Emotional Abuse but is overlooked because we all endure it.

It prevents us as people from moving on in life, and understanding humanity on the whole.. heaven knows it’s the reason so many people bury their heads in distractions not always as productive as work, and yet how do we as a society or even i as the individual get this through to people in a constructive way? only outlet is here in my writing, and in hope that those i send here to read will get what im writing about and fully comprehend what im talking about and take active steps to ensure bad patterns stop?

My fight goes on

Mood swings

Everyone has them, and yet mine feel a whole load worser than everyone else’s… and i try to figure out why; all of them¬†triggered off by feeling of doubt within myself, feelings of doubt which stem from bad experiences as a child, bad experiences of which i had no control over, most of which were caused by Mother dearest’s¬†rippling mood swings to¬†someone’s¬†behaviour… even if it¬†wasnt mine that had spurred her into a mood id still get the brunt of it, and im still left trying to undo those feelings of self-doubt, those moments where i blamed myself for my mothers bad moods, those moments i actually believed i was wrong and punished myself for not knowing how to make them right… i still do it to myself now.

I did it to myself today, my daughter had the worst tantrum friday night, and woke up saturday¬† (today) still asserting her erratic¬†behaviour, the behaviour she exerts when with mother dearest, the behaviour she uses to deal with mother dearest’s¬†mood swings and inconsistent¬†parenting, the behaviour that is very similar to mine; minus the crying and shouting… and all i could do was feel awful, that she was behaving like this and i didn’t¬†know how to stop or help her through those emotions… (i don’t¬†know how to get through mine aside from sleeping it off)¬† so i did what i knew best and stood my ground, calmly told her she needed to put her other dress on, as the dress she wanted to wear was dirty needed washing and she wasnt able to wear it anyway as i had to sew a button¬†back on! and that until she put her other dress on we werent¬†going¬†out, she refused cried shouted threw¬†things and i ignored her, when she’d calmed down i explained to her that we werent¬†going out today, que tantrum round 2! I was vexed by not getting to go out, the suns been banging and i could have done with some vitamin D intake! never the less she went into her room and got on with doing her thing… i went to bed, fell asleep and was woken by her telling me she was waiting.. and was hungry.. so we ate our left over pizza from last nights dinner and she went back off to play, both of us knowing we both needed our own space… so later on we’d just ate dinner, i asked her to go get ready for bed…. no¬†problems no tantrums no attitude!! GREAT! bed time was no drama or con woman tricks she usually tries to pull and we sat and talked about what happened today, that tantrums will cause bad moods and ruin days so listening to mummy is what she needs to do coz mummy’s know best! she spoke about how she felt; its ok mummy i was being silly.

I couldn’t¬†help but feel as if now i was the one in the wrong in the first place, and that now she’s going to think every time¬†she has a tantrum im going to get in a bad mood…? I really need to check this issue of unresolved¬†childhood bad patterns of behaviour, i don’t¬†want to ever feel like i did today ever again and i feel sooo¬†bad for falling asleep! Even though i clearly needed a nap… and she couldn’t¬†have cared less where i was as she was swimming in her room full of new toys from her recent birthday! But at least¬†now i hope we’ve¬†had our bad day and will be on track for better days and less tantrums!

I sit now really resenting having to send her back to mother dearest, who still doesn’t¬†acknowledge¬†how destructive her behaviour still is to her children and her grand-child; my daughter, i shouldnt have to pick up the pieces every weekend from where mother dearest has practically terrorized my daughter all week with her mood swings! I just want my daughter back, more than ever now. X

Separated Families

Today I attended the Separated Families workshop run for parents dealing with separation issues, sitting in the meeting i could hear mothers brain ticking away as the penny slowly dropped, with every explanation of behaviour signs, exchange of experiences between parents, and the simple solutions Karen provided. I know mother left understanding more that what she came out of Mediation with, and we both managed to agree that such courses should be run in conjunction with if not before Mediation Sessions to be most productive!

The simple yet effective methods of explaining how behaviours and feelings work, using the research like Kubler Ross -Change Curve, doesn’t even leave you needing to verify his theory as it really does make perfect sense! And if you did question or unsure of how an example from your life fitted into the subject we were discussing Karen or one of her team were able to simplify your own emotions and feelings so clearly, you felt a bit stupid for not realising it yourself! Ok not even stupid..I’m exaggerating.. it was like someone re-worded your sentence and made it simple enough for a 5 year old to relate to! Being in an environment with other parents sharing their experiences and troubles was so moving, and probably for me the biggest lesson i learned in yet again keeping perspective; that there are other people in the world going through what you are, you’re not alone, and in a split second you’ve had the reality check you needed to tell you, you’re not an alien, this is fairly normal and now you can move on to find a solution to your next problem… that is some of what life is all about i suppose!

I’m still in total disgust that everything effectively positive I have had to go out of my way to find and if not funded under legal aid I’ve forces social services to pay for! and that they played no help or role in helping me find such services… i really do wonder what social services do now? ..i think i may go look their ethos up!

Back to the point; Separated Families: what an inspiring team Karen has… you can guarantee I’m now preparing a few letters to the Local Authority and all the relevant ministers in support of the benefits of using Separated Families workshops to empower and better help the everyday service user of the lower end of society, because we all know social services don’t touch families of wealth with a barge pole! And really they are the ones who need so much help, i can already foresee in families then community’s, the changes such an empowering and understanding course could bring to better peoples lives.

As always ill keep you updated with my progress on that!¬† …I’m off now to de-Nit my infested hair! ūüėÄ joyus times! X

Updates in case…

So really positive updates in my case, and again i wont miss and opportunity to plug mediation and recommend its success, literally it had been the breakthrough my case needed! I am generally a fan of therapy and all things talking and ever therapeutic but really cant stress enough the positive benefits of it all!

Mother Dearest and i sat down yesterday to tell my daughter she’s going to be moving back home with me, in time, and on grounds that behaviour has to be kept in check with the reward of a house pet when the official move back has happened… literally i should feel on top of the moon right now, and I almost do… its just so hard to believe that I’ve made all these positive changes happen, and i guess the reality of how I’m trying to help my family is rather immense being that i fully feel like an adult now! I cant explain how thankful i feel to have my brain in this head of mine the insight into family dynamics is taking my friendship levels to a next extent… its slightly daunting having such insight as its almost like my brain never switches off, the constant intake of issues that get processed -continual problem solving of other peoples lives that teach me so much!

I’m waiting on my public funding to get my court date for residency, and have a meeting with the social worker scheduled where mother dearest and i will be detailing our plan for the move back, which will undoubtedly throw the social service team into assessment mode -LONG OVERDUE!

I cant wait!!

Im an adult I’ve forgotten how to relate to kids?!

Pathetic last post on my failed update may i add before i start; realised this was because i was doing/going through some inner mental learning and understanding phase as i do quite often! it really did affect my writing badly ugh I’m going to need to learn how to fix that!

Alright so after reading this article

I realised what is going wrong in this world; adults have forgotten what it is like to be a kid; to naturally strive to make everyday a new experience, to feel different things and to try new things.

Kids are left un-channelled and results ending in antisocial behaviour as the outcome, it doesn’t take a genius to work out, we know kids want more parks, more youth centres more things to do, more activities to satisfy their constant need for experiences.. especially the ones in poverty whose parents are unable to provide them with such costly activities the wealthy can afford to do/provide their children.

This really is a big issue for me as i feel so strongly after having grown up as a child in poverty, never having had a horse riding lesson (ok so im allergic to horses but still the ideas there!) been on an all-inclusive holiday with a kids club, or skiing. let along Butlins or Pontins! (my holidays were to the grandpa’s which were more army camp than holiday!) i didn’t get an inheritance at 16..or 18 let alone 21! I hope you get the point of such activities most children not in poverty get to experience!

I do believe people shouldnt have loads of children (like more than 2) especially if they can’t financially provide these basics for them! I know this sounds hypocritical coming from a teenage mum who still doesn’t hold down a full-time job (before you jump at me on this read my article on my finances!) but believe me i am fully ready to go to work when my daughter returns to my care so i can put her in stagecoach, numerous dance classes and give her the birthday parties every child dreams of and regular holidays to the beach, camping, skiing and trips to Butlins/Pontins/Centerparks! Because your children will grow up resenting the fact you weren’t able to give them those experiences because you couldn’t afford to as their were too many mouths to feed, regardless of how happy they are to have had so many siblings, can’t afford to pay don’t let the sperm astray! (I’m going to start a whole campaign with this slogan soon! LOL)

I fully believe every child should experience a wealth of things from a young age and it is clear that this does prevent them from being involved in anti-social behaviour!

So please people in the run up to the elections really think about who is going to provide our children with the opportunity’s every community needs, like parks, youth centres and access to state funded activities like free swimming and discounted dance classes/ extra tuition clubs for the lower-income generation!

And just be a little more open and friendly to the kids who are behaving a little extrovert/attention seeking and maybe offer some productive support/help/insight/training to those you can be bothered to help!?

I wouldn’t be here if strangers/neighbours hadn’t have helped me on numerous occasions with directions, homework, work/career advise opportunity’s or just a place to chill out outside of my family home… and i intend to help every kid i come across that i can offer something to!

And i want to also encourage the kids out there to give the adults around them a reality check!

Instead of using the “but you don’t know what its like growing up” line

Try something a little more specific like; ” I don’t have a social club i can attend, how about you build us one so we can contain our noise in a productive enviroment instead of your flat stairwell!”

And wow god help the OAP’s which are in ever-increasing numbers these days.. maybe we need to start giving them lectures on understanding why the kids like to listen to loud music in their headphones, or why they get excitedly loud on the bus during school times? and perhaps if kids saw their grandparents more often from a young age we wouldn’t have a generation of OAP’s socially excluded from most families and left in care homes to rot!

I’ll leave you to chew on those thoughts! as ever do let me know what you think!!!!!!

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