Life’s Reflective Breaking

Dawned on me today how close behaviours fall within families, and the patterns that get repeated or started in them, take for instance myself.. i always seem to attract people into my life whom have problems, who i try to help fix, who always distract me from what’s important (my daughter and I’s needs) and today that pattern stopped, i realised Mother Dearest the woman i loathe to be like has had a far greater influence on my life than i ever thought.. or maybe i just forget in all these emotions and confusion of trying to fix everyone else! This is HER pattern of deflective behaviour that stops her from dealing and facing up to her problems, today i learnt how to assert myself to stop that.. i’ve learnt how to say; no i don’t want that it my life, i’m going to deal with my problems, and in order to do that i have to be selfish and not help anyone but myself.. even if that means walking away from those i care for.

And in asserting myself i discovered how it feels to be on the other side of the coin, when you come from a family who aren’t used to reflective behaviours and analysing problems because either A. they don’t know how to or B. They’ve never had to (ie no seriously dysfunctional people in the family) and so aren’t able to help you in your reflecting, which is where you then turn to your friends or attract people into your life to help you to understand that process.. to enable your enlightenment into breaking the habit…

Its also not uncommon for habits to be seen as normal, such as following in your parents professional footprints..career… to then get to an old age and realise shit actually this isn’t what i wanted to do, i did it to make them happy or to kill some time in finding my true niche, only i ended up wasting my life in doing so.

Were all different but essentially our problems are all rooted the same…

All our roads in life cross and its up to us as individuals how we choose to deal with those crossings… ignoring the red man or watching for the green, and those decisions in life shape us hugely… often deciding whether we make it to the other side or get run over.

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Mood swings

Everyone has them, and yet mine feel a whole load worser than everyone else’s… and i try to figure out why; all of them triggered off by feeling of doubt within myself, feelings of doubt which stem from bad experiences as a child, bad experiences of which i had no control over, most of which were caused by Mother dearest’s rippling mood swings to someone’s behaviour… even if it wasnt mine that had spurred her into a mood id still get the brunt of it, and im still left trying to undo those feelings of self-doubt, those moments where i blamed myself for my mothers bad moods, those moments i actually believed i was wrong and punished myself for not knowing how to make them right… i still do it to myself now.

I did it to myself today, my daughter had the worst tantrum friday night, and woke up saturday  (today) still asserting her erratic behaviour, the behaviour she exerts when with mother dearest, the behaviour she uses to deal with mother dearest’s mood swings and inconsistent parenting, the behaviour that is very similar to mine; minus the crying and shouting… and all i could do was feel awful, that she was behaving like this and i didn’t know how to stop or help her through those emotions… (i don’t know how to get through mine aside from sleeping it off)  so i did what i knew best and stood my ground, calmly told her she needed to put her other dress on, as the dress she wanted to wear was dirty needed washing and she wasnt able to wear it anyway as i had to sew a button back on! and that until she put her other dress on we werent going out, she refused cried shouted threw things and i ignored her, when she’d calmed down i explained to her that we werent going out today, que tantrum round 2! I was vexed by not getting to go out, the suns been banging and i could have done with some vitamin D intake! never the less she went into her room and got on with doing her thing… i went to bed, fell asleep and was woken by her telling me she was waiting.. and was hungry.. so we ate our left over pizza from last nights dinner and she went back off to play, both of us knowing we both needed our own space… so later on we’d just ate dinner, i asked her to go get ready for bed…. no problems no tantrums no attitude!! GREAT! bed time was no drama or con woman tricks she usually tries to pull and we sat and talked about what happened today, that tantrums will cause bad moods and ruin days so listening to mummy is what she needs to do coz mummy’s know best! she spoke about how she felt; its ok mummy i was being silly.

I couldn’t help but feel as if now i was the one in the wrong in the first place, and that now she’s going to think every time she has a tantrum im going to get in a bad mood…? I really need to check this issue of unresolved childhood bad patterns of behaviour, i don’t want to ever feel like i did today ever again and i feel sooo bad for falling asleep! Even though i clearly needed a nap… and she couldn’t have cared less where i was as she was swimming in her room full of new toys from her recent birthday! But at least now i hope we’ve had our bad day and will be on track for better days and less tantrums!

I sit now really resenting having to send her back to mother dearest, who still doesn’t acknowledge how destructive her behaviour still is to her children and her grand-child; my daughter, i shouldnt have to pick up the pieces every weekend from where mother dearest has practically terrorized my daughter all week with her mood swings! I just want my daughter back, more than ever now. X

Separated Families

Today I attended the Separated Families workshop run for parents dealing with separation issues, sitting in the meeting i could hear mothers brain ticking away as the penny slowly dropped, with every explanation of behaviour signs, exchange of experiences between parents, and the simple solutions Karen provided. I know mother left understanding more that what she came out of Mediation with, and we both managed to agree that such courses should be run in conjunction with if not before Mediation Sessions to be most productive!

The simple yet effective methods of explaining how behaviours and feelings work, using the research like Kubler Ross -Change Curve, doesn’t even leave you needing to verify his theory as it really does make perfect sense! And if you did question or unsure of how an example from your life fitted into the subject we were discussing Karen or one of her team were able to simplify your own emotions and feelings so clearly, you felt a bit stupid for not realising it yourself! Ok not even stupid..I’m exaggerating.. it was like someone re-worded your sentence and made it simple enough for a 5 year old to relate to! Being in an environment with other parents sharing their experiences and troubles was so moving, and probably for me the biggest lesson i learned in yet again keeping perspective; that there are other people in the world going through what you are, you’re not alone, and in a split second you’ve had the reality check you needed to tell you, you’re not an alien, this is fairly normal and now you can move on to find a solution to your next problem… that is some of what life is all about i suppose!

I’m still in total disgust that everything effectively positive I have had to go out of my way to find and if not funded under legal aid I’ve forces social services to pay for! and that they played no help or role in helping me find such services… i really do wonder what social services do now? ..i think i may go look their ethos up!

Back to the point; Separated Families: what an inspiring team Karen has… you can guarantee I’m now preparing a few letters to the Local Authority and all the relevant ministers in support of the benefits of using Separated Families workshops to empower and better help the everyday service user of the lower end of society, because we all know social services don’t touch families of wealth with a barge pole! And really they are the ones who need so much help, i can already foresee in families then community’s, the changes such an empowering and understanding course could bring to better peoples lives.

As always ill keep you updated with my progress on that!  …I’m off now to de-Nit my infested hair! 😀 joyus times! X

Updates in case…

So really positive updates in my case, and again i wont miss and opportunity to plug mediation and recommend its success, literally it had been the breakthrough my case needed! I am generally a fan of therapy and all things talking and ever therapeutic but really cant stress enough the positive benefits of it all!

Mother Dearest and i sat down yesterday to tell my daughter she’s going to be moving back home with me, in time, and on grounds that behaviour has to be kept in check with the reward of a house pet when the official move back has happened… literally i should feel on top of the moon right now, and I almost do… its just so hard to believe that I’ve made all these positive changes happen, and i guess the reality of how I’m trying to help my family is rather immense being that i fully feel like an adult now! I cant explain how thankful i feel to have my brain in this head of mine the insight into family dynamics is taking my friendship levels to a next extent… its slightly daunting having such insight as its almost like my brain never switches off, the constant intake of issues that get processed -continual problem solving of other peoples lives that teach me so much!

I’m waiting on my public funding to get my court date for residency, and have a meeting with the social worker scheduled where mother dearest and i will be detailing our plan for the move back, which will undoubtedly throw the social service team into assessment mode -LONG OVERDUE!

I cant wait!!

Letters To And Fro

I got a letter from my maternal grandfather…sent to me via the social worker?! Perplexed as to why he didn’t just get my address of mother dearest.. anyhow so its take me 2 weeks to read! not because its long..6 pages isn’t that long is it? LOL mainly because the first line after addressing me was; Their once was a king named Solomon… do i need to go further? I wont, but after finally reading it i saw yet another persona of mother dearest’s except this is the persona of my grandfather she borrows from time to time, wonder if i borrow my parents personality’s? GOSH I HOPE NOT!! I probably don’t need to explain how i feel about this revelation… they don’t shock me anymore, it just deepens the understand of the work I’ve got cut out to make things work in this family!

After being rialled by my grandfathers ramblings i sat back (yes in the sun of a local park, with some tunes playing in my ear to help the mood) and looked around me, i wondered if anyone in this park right now had problems with their family like i do, from the housewife’s picnicking with their children, the dads playing football with their sons, OAP’s reading a book or lapping the park 10 times before admiring a tree.. i figured out that they all probably do in their own extent, and so with this thought in my head i wrote my response to my grandfather, ignoring his hysteria slandering and abstract relations of practically every holy book to my life and doings as the child he once knew, as a woman; a mother and with an open mind and heart. I posted it today and will stick it up here when i can be arsed to type some more!

I do wonder what he will write back? …if he’ll be able to not lecture the sarcastic adult who wrote him back with a taste of his own medicine.. i didn’t give him any examples except his own sound advise… i do make myself laugh!

He told me i was in love with my own intelligence without knowing it? perhaps i am.. or maybe i have a brain and just use it unlike the OAP’s he’s surrounded by in his hillside villa!

Positive Update!

Not much seems to be changing outside of mediation.. which I’m thankful for! At least i know the changes are being brought about my me and I’m finally being listened to! As the mediator put it I’m “having to shout from the rooftops to have a say in my daughter’s life” strange thought that… the fact that a baby i created and gave birth to someone else has more rights to control! I’m steadily gaining my control back however and today feels like an epiphany has finally arrived, today in mediation Mother dearest & I agreed to the following;

  • agreed with mother that we will close mediation and seek funding for court to address my residency of my daughter
  • we made an agreement with numerous things dealing with my daughter and continuing the progress with communication between us
  • we agreed to arrange a meeting with the social worker and her managers to discuss what we have so far agreed to in mediation and to clarify together where social services stand with their involvement. I’ve emailed asking for this to happen.
  • Social Services agreed to fund a 1 day course for mother & I run by Separated Families, agreeing it would benefit us both! (as usual the idea came from me & not them… i am so going to use that in court to show my productiveness and the social services incompetence!
  • I briefly discussed with mother about sole/shared residency and she threw in that social services were advising her to get special guardianship… there are a number of matters mother & I will be considering in that final decision depending on what happens over the next 2 weeks given our agreement and need to think of future possibility’s when i get my daughter back full-time, and if and when mother moves house (in the next year & half)
  • Strangely mediation is not funded under legal aid whilst i am going through court (which is rubbish as it is a huge benefit to have!) so we have been referred to their bridges project, which will be done with the same person who did our mediation at the same place which is fab! This will be a sort of 3rd party view on the progress between mother dearest & I on our agreement, including the meetings mother & I will hold separately between us both every 3 weeks or so or in emergency’s to discuss my daughter.
  • no over night’s as yet (will be reviewed soon)

I am happy however that I’ve finally found a way to communicate with mother dearest about this & my daughters needs, and effectively take the lead as mother dearest is clearly in complete chaos (reverse parenting or what!) so establishing clear boundaries and rules has been great and will continue! Those simple things like mealtime routines, bedtime’s, clear explanations  to my daughter about what the schedule for the day is, and enforcing the naughty chair and token chart from the offset without having to threaten it! Being able to keep consistent structured and most importantly show my daughter that she is loved and to make her feel secure by both me and mother dearest (grand-mother dearest in her case! lol)

I actually was quite dubious about mediation and for this session especially as it was only the second session.. however this has only been made possible by my ability to identify clear solutions to the problems mother dearest faces especially, having the mediator tell her well actually your daughter does have a point and wording it differently has made a huge difference! I do wonder how long it could have dragged out for had i not been more forceful on bringing practical changes about as soon as possible!

Note to self; Go and get some people communication skills and brush up on body language voice tones and learn how to manipulate my conduct to get what i want to convey across…

So were finally getting back to court, mother finally admitted she needs a judge to tell her and the social workers i am capable so that no one blames her for any wrongs!

It just dawned on me again, I’m doing what social services should have done 3 years ago, and I’m not even a qualified social worker! I don’t get paid, i have to do this in order to “fix” (i hate using that word but it is what I’m doing!) my family and I’m still thoroughly disgusted at the lack of assistance social services have provided, or rather NOT PROVIDED! I will be making sure my solicitor points this out to the judge in the court case, how the majority of positive outcomes in this case were brought about asked for and demanded by me! I’m long overdue some credit!

Social Services Pressure Tactics On Vulnerable Family

I’m absolutely fuming right now, just got back from dropping my daughter off to mother dearest’s.. i had a 3 minute conversation with mother dearest where she told me she had decided to withdraw her statement to social services of giving them 2 weeks notice to get the case to court as she wasn’t going to look after her grand-daughter (my daughter) anymore.. and since telling social services they have TO mother dearest that they wont be pursuing the courts or assessing whether I’m a suitable carer or not! Mother dearest said she had come to this conclusion after seeing how upset my daughter and my sister (of the same age)  had been at the start of my other sisters holiday leave.. and said they would all end up on prozac if she gave my daughter either to me or into foster care!

I can’t explain how fuming i am… it’s not hard to work out what social services did, clear pressure tactic’s to make mother dearest think my daughter would end up in foster care! I feel so sick, a service that’s meant to be there to help has told my mother only one side to the coin, my daughter will go into care end of, I’m not even being considered as a carer let alone discussed as a possibility! What’s even worse is that my mothers solicitor hasn’t even informed her of the other avenues we would all have to go down before court could agree to my daughter going into care, like 3 months in a mother and baby unit, or daily visits from social services in my accommodation whilst the ongoing assessments are done… enough is really enough!

I can’t even vent on how non of them have any faith in me bar my aunt solicitor GP and friends, they still think I’m that crazed teenager wrought with emotional and a lack of process and understanding… wow they couldn’t be more wrong!

I just txt mother dearest saying;

“What social services have done is make you think there is no other option before my daughter could ever go into care! All to save themselves the cost of taking us to court and footing the bill! so yet again they are forcing us into court when in fact they should be! what’s even worse is that your solicitor hasn’t even told you of the drill we would have to do before my daughter could go into care i.e.. mother and baby unit etc.! this is a joke.. I’ve got a journalist on call ready to put this whole story through every national paper and GMTV chat show possible, the only thing that stops me is your privacy, i can handle the invasion but you can’t, but sooner or later it will end up in press and I’m going to have a field day ripping this case and social services apart!I think you really underestimate my intelligence and  capability’s as a mum, i don’t get why you need a judge to tell you I’m fit enough? social services are just advisor’s right? (as they keep preaching and proclaiming) so why not just take an interest in me and see for yourself how capable i am! you know it, i don’t know why you need to hear it from a judge ? what fool has to hear from a judge how capable ones child is? you have choices, but if you insist on doing it through court because you wont stand up then so be it on your peril. I’ve never been more ready or prepared i just hope you are too..? X”

I can’t even go into the psychological flip side this shows from mother dearest’s part, it fully clarifys/confirms exactly what i say about her and her lack of capable parenting, it screams using ones child to get to the parent, hysterical erratic irrational behaviour, not of sound mind! Need i say anymore?!

Ok so getting that off my chest to her has helped a little… now i really need these journalists to all get on-board with me on this… MEDIA PRESSURE IS SOOO NEEDED TO EXPOSE THIS SHODDY SOCIAL SERVICE!!

Please pass this on, re-tweet, send to all your email contacts.. someone somewhere has a big contact for me who will guaranteed make a shed load out of my case and help revolutionize social service’s procedures by exposing this! HELP!

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