I Am Reflective Parent

I feel as if I’m finally regaining some of my motherhood back at long last! simply being able to conversate with my daughter is such an amazing thing now she’s old enough to talk back and understand! I religiously read through my copy of “The Science of parenting -by Margot Sunderland” whenever i feel a slight inclination or doubt about how to manage a tantrum or my own feelings on mothering techniques, and i always learn something new to implement, or some new revelation about my own behaviours and i nip them in the bud so not to pass them onto my daughter!

It’s what i see so very few parents doing in their daily life, and yet it’s so important to look within and back to understand the present and future, to help most importantly your child to thrive… it’s the reason so many of my friends are “lost” in career.. emotion…each difference always coming back to the need to look back to see forward, its like regardless of their own or their child’s age, its something we all forget to do! Some bury their heads in their career, some have substance addictions, and if you’ve read my “mental-health-issues-prevalent-in-london” article you’ll be all to familiar with the hows and whys i think on mental health reasons; under stimulated brains with nothing better to do! and well some people choose to just not think about it… which is sad and the reason we all have such issues in our families, i don’t expect life to be perfect, i do majority of the time wish it was, but i cant help to feel that in today’s society if you don’t root out your issues the social divide will continue to widen… and it is going to come down to super intelligent Vs. super fucked up!

Saddest thing is that the older generations get the grump (yes I’m speaking from experience with my nan) about how the kids of today (I’m one of them) don’t care about the older generations, their parents or grandparents, as much as history dictates we should.. were born to look after our elders eventually… When in today’s society, slowly we’re realising with all the good intentions of our elders actually they’ve done us more harm than good-by handing down all these historical family issues that were now having to fight back against! That exact mindset of having kids to care for us in our elder years is a classic example! Which is why were now seeing a decrease in child bearers over a certain peak age, why women are choosing careers and a life over children, and why the ones not dealing with their issues are those with higher numbers of teen pregnancy’s and all the side effects that come with such demographics! some of what i write about at times mid paragraph may seem totally hypocritical but remember I’m writing from my experience which is not that of a well off person or a poor person) but that of a person who is middle ground trying to break free into the well off side..and yes i know even that causes different issues!

It’s not hard to see the blatant divides between rich-poor, young-old, even between ethnicity’s… they all have impending factors on why we make certain choices in life, (…I’m trying to write without having to give examples and im hoping all my readers are with me in the thought process with this one! please tell me if I’ve lost you and ill come back and stick an example in here!)

So final thought before my word count goes through the roof as usual!

I understand why the government is trialling or trying to implement/predict whose children will be of the higher new world order race, it feels like common sense to me for this to happen…shit if i was in some form of power or control id frigging do the same thing to protect this world and the people who had strived and worked hard to be where they are/get where their going… in their search for whatever it is we lust for in life!

I’m proud to be trying to break free of my issues, I’m sure this is going to impact my predecessors hugely, and i at times feel as if some families are a good few generations ahead of mine in this game.. but i do love my reflective parenting strategy it works for me, and when speaking with people and sharing such thoughts it’s clearly helping them for the better too, which will never be a bad thing!

I’m glad I think reflective parent!

Advertisements

Mood swings

Everyone has them, and yet mine feel a whole load worser than everyone else’s… and i try to figure out why; all of them triggered off by feeling of doubt within myself, feelings of doubt which stem from bad experiences as a child, bad experiences of which i had no control over, most of which were caused by Mother dearest’s rippling mood swings to someone’s behaviour… even if it wasnt mine that had spurred her into a mood id still get the brunt of it, and im still left trying to undo those feelings of self-doubt, those moments where i blamed myself for my mothers bad moods, those moments i actually believed i was wrong and punished myself for not knowing how to make them right… i still do it to myself now.

I did it to myself today, my daughter had the worst tantrum friday night, and woke up saturday  (today) still asserting her erratic behaviour, the behaviour she exerts when with mother dearest, the behaviour she uses to deal with mother dearest’s mood swings and inconsistent parenting, the behaviour that is very similar to mine; minus the crying and shouting… and all i could do was feel awful, that she was behaving like this and i didn’t know how to stop or help her through those emotions… (i don’t know how to get through mine aside from sleeping it off)  so i did what i knew best and stood my ground, calmly told her she needed to put her other dress on, as the dress she wanted to wear was dirty needed washing and she wasnt able to wear it anyway as i had to sew a button back on! and that until she put her other dress on we werent going out, she refused cried shouted threw things and i ignored her, when she’d calmed down i explained to her that we werent going out today, que tantrum round 2! I was vexed by not getting to go out, the suns been banging and i could have done with some vitamin D intake! never the less she went into her room and got on with doing her thing… i went to bed, fell asleep and was woken by her telling me she was waiting.. and was hungry.. so we ate our left over pizza from last nights dinner and she went back off to play, both of us knowing we both needed our own space… so later on we’d just ate dinner, i asked her to go get ready for bed…. no problems no tantrums no attitude!! GREAT! bed time was no drama or con woman tricks she usually tries to pull and we sat and talked about what happened today, that tantrums will cause bad moods and ruin days so listening to mummy is what she needs to do coz mummy’s know best! she spoke about how she felt; its ok mummy i was being silly.

I couldn’t help but feel as if now i was the one in the wrong in the first place, and that now she’s going to think every time she has a tantrum im going to get in a bad mood…? I really need to check this issue of unresolved childhood bad patterns of behaviour, i don’t want to ever feel like i did today ever again and i feel sooo bad for falling asleep! Even though i clearly needed a nap… and she couldn’t have cared less where i was as she was swimming in her room full of new toys from her recent birthday! But at least now i hope we’ve had our bad day and will be on track for better days and less tantrums!

I sit now really resenting having to send her back to mother dearest, who still doesn’t acknowledge how destructive her behaviour still is to her children and her grand-child; my daughter, i shouldnt have to pick up the pieces every weekend from where mother dearest has practically terrorized my daughter all week with her mood swings! I just want my daughter back, more than ever now. X

Im an adult I’ve forgotten how to relate to kids?!

Pathetic last post on my failed update may i add before i start; realised this was because i was doing/going through some inner mental learning and understanding phase as i do quite often! it really did affect my writing badly ugh I’m going to need to learn how to fix that!

Alright so after reading this article

http://www.cypnow.co.uk/bulletins/Youth-Work-Weekly/news/995707/?DCMP=EMC-YouthWorkWeekly

I realised what is going wrong in this world; adults have forgotten what it is like to be a kid; to naturally strive to make everyday a new experience, to feel different things and to try new things.

Kids are left un-channelled and results ending in antisocial behaviour as the outcome, it doesn’t take a genius to work out, we know kids want more parks, more youth centres more things to do, more activities to satisfy their constant need for experiences.. especially the ones in poverty whose parents are unable to provide them with such costly activities the wealthy can afford to do/provide their children.

This really is a big issue for me as i feel so strongly after having grown up as a child in poverty, never having had a horse riding lesson (ok so im allergic to horses but still the ideas there!) been on an all-inclusive holiday with a kids club, or skiing. let along Butlins or Pontins! (my holidays were to the grandpa’s which were more army camp than holiday!) i didn’t get an inheritance at 16..or 18 let alone 21! I hope you get the point of such activities most children not in poverty get to experience!

I do believe people shouldnt have loads of children (like more than 2) especially if they can’t financially provide these basics for them! I know this sounds hypocritical coming from a teenage mum who still doesn’t hold down a full-time job (before you jump at me on this read my article on my finances!) but believe me i am fully ready to go to work when my daughter returns to my care so i can put her in stagecoach, numerous dance classes and give her the birthday parties every child dreams of and regular holidays to the beach, camping, skiing and trips to Butlins/Pontins/Centerparks! Because your children will grow up resenting the fact you weren’t able to give them those experiences because you couldn’t afford to as their were too many mouths to feed, regardless of how happy they are to have had so many siblings, can’t afford to pay don’t let the sperm astray! (I’m going to start a whole campaign with this slogan soon! LOL)

I fully believe every child should experience a wealth of things from a young age and it is clear that this does prevent them from being involved in anti-social behaviour!

So please people in the run up to the elections really think about who is going to provide our children with the opportunity’s every community needs, like parks, youth centres and access to state funded activities like free swimming and discounted dance classes/ extra tuition clubs for the lower-income generation!

And just be a little more open and friendly to the kids who are behaving a little extrovert/attention seeking and maybe offer some productive support/help/insight/training to those you can be bothered to help!?

I wouldn’t be here if strangers/neighbours hadn’t have helped me on numerous occasions with directions, homework, work/career advise opportunity’s or just a place to chill out outside of my family home… and i intend to help every kid i come across that i can offer something to!

And i want to also encourage the kids out there to give the adults around them a reality check!

Instead of using the “but you don’t know what its like growing up” line

Try something a little more specific like; ” I don’t have a social club i can attend, how about you build us one so we can contain our noise in a productive enviroment instead of your flat stairwell!”

And wow god help the OAP’s which are in ever-increasing numbers these days.. maybe we need to start giving them lectures on understanding why the kids like to listen to loud music in their headphones, or why they get excitedly loud on the bus during school times? and perhaps if kids saw their grandparents more often from a young age we wouldn’t have a generation of OAP’s socially excluded from most families and left in care homes to rot!

I’ll leave you to chew on those thoughts! as ever do let me know what you think!!!!!!


Social Services Pressure Tactics On Vulnerable Family

I’m absolutely fuming right now, just got back from dropping my daughter off to mother dearest’s.. i had a 3 minute conversation with mother dearest where she told me she had decided to withdraw her statement to social services of giving them 2 weeks notice to get the case to court as she wasn’t going to look after her grand-daughter (my daughter) anymore.. and since telling social services they have TO mother dearest that they wont be pursuing the courts or assessing whether I’m a suitable carer or not! Mother dearest said she had come to this conclusion after seeing how upset my daughter and my sister (of the same age)  had been at the start of my other sisters holiday leave.. and said they would all end up on prozac if she gave my daughter either to me or into foster care!

I can’t explain how fuming i am… it’s not hard to work out what social services did, clear pressure tactic’s to make mother dearest think my daughter would end up in foster care! I feel so sick, a service that’s meant to be there to help has told my mother only one side to the coin, my daughter will go into care end of, I’m not even being considered as a carer let alone discussed as a possibility! What’s even worse is that my mothers solicitor hasn’t even informed her of the other avenues we would all have to go down before court could agree to my daughter going into care, like 3 months in a mother and baby unit, or daily visits from social services in my accommodation whilst the ongoing assessments are done… enough is really enough!

I can’t even vent on how non of them have any faith in me bar my aunt solicitor GP and friends, they still think I’m that crazed teenager wrought with emotional and a lack of process and understanding… wow they couldn’t be more wrong!

I just txt mother dearest saying;

“What social services have done is make you think there is no other option before my daughter could ever go into care! All to save themselves the cost of taking us to court and footing the bill! so yet again they are forcing us into court when in fact they should be! what’s even worse is that your solicitor hasn’t even told you of the drill we would have to do before my daughter could go into care i.e.. mother and baby unit etc.! this is a joke.. I’ve got a journalist on call ready to put this whole story through every national paper and GMTV chat show possible, the only thing that stops me is your privacy, i can handle the invasion but you can’t, but sooner or later it will end up in press and I’m going to have a field day ripping this case and social services apart!I think you really underestimate my intelligence and  capability’s as a mum, i don’t get why you need a judge to tell you I’m fit enough? social services are just advisor’s right? (as they keep preaching and proclaiming) so why not just take an interest in me and see for yourself how capable i am! you know it, i don’t know why you need to hear it from a judge ? what fool has to hear from a judge how capable ones child is? you have choices, but if you insist on doing it through court because you wont stand up then so be it on your peril. I’ve never been more ready or prepared i just hope you are too..? X”

I can’t even go into the psychological flip side this shows from mother dearest’s part, it fully clarifys/confirms exactly what i say about her and her lack of capable parenting, it screams using ones child to get to the parent, hysterical erratic irrational behaviour, not of sound mind! Need i say anymore?!

Ok so getting that off my chest to her has helped a little… now i really need these journalists to all get on-board with me on this… MEDIA PRESSURE IS SOOO NEEDED TO EXPOSE THIS SHODDY SOCIAL SERVICE!!

Please pass this on, re-tweet, send to all your email contacts.. someone somewhere has a big contact for me who will guaranteed make a shed load out of my case and help revolutionize social service’s procedures by exposing this! HELP!

Teenage surging scrums screaming & lack of scruples over fashion?

American Apparel Rummage Sale in London 02-04-10 WHAT A  FLOP!

But WHY?…. I’ll gladly tell you;

Firstly what sane company that’s held rummage sales all over the world decides after setting a 22,000 sq ft warehouse on Brick Lane in London, and plugging it on Facebook to get 28,623 confirmed attending guests; doesn’t set up guard rails round at least 2 corners of the block? ON A BANK HOLIDAY!? Brainless? YES…

Then out of those 28,623 confirmed attending guests on Facebook how many of those were under 16? Oh I’ll tell you; the majority that turned up today (Friday) they looked about 15, and made me feel as if i was a dinosaur! But what was more disturbing was when at 10 am they did open that tiny black door of 81 Brick Lane and let the first 60 people in (EPIC FAIL!) those under 18’s went storming ahead creating scrums like we were actually in a school corridor reliving out secondary school years! I’m 23 and was thoroughly disgusted by these clearly middle class teenagers and their awful surging scrums screaming and lack of scruples! Donned in the apparel leggings oversized shirts and plimsoles with buns on their heads resembling nothing more than a dog plop from my daughters “who done it” story book!

My veins chilled and all i could think was should one of those girls have been my daughter;

  • Theirs no way she’d be at a rummage sale with her girlfriends under 16 in Brick Lane- id be escorting obviously!
  • If she was mature enough to go to a rummage sale unescorted id hope that my parenting would have told her not to behave like the rest of the hysterical clearly deprived of shopping experiences brats that surrounded her!
  • How my parents would have clapped me in the head for behaving as I saw today
  • My grandparents would have made me feel so small I’d burn every piece of my apparel clothing!

What on earth has happened to the youth of today?  look at this video;

Clearly something is wrong with the youth of today if even the ones savvy enough to get on Facebook can then get to brick lane and be so frustrated that they didn’t even get into buy some discounted American Apparel clothing!

However after watching Eastenders last night and seeing the whole Jack-Billie Police being the best gang talk (which almost convinced me to join the met!) I was so horribly appalled by the 2 police women who decided to assert their hormones to my friends and I whom were standing with about 4 other people pontificating our next move..drinks or food… to be told to “move now or we will push you!” has London Met gone power mad? Or did it just so happen that these two police women were suffering from PMT on a bank holiday they’d rather not be working (even though their getting double pay!) and decided after training in some rural village to move to London join the Met for better pay and try to experience city life at its rawest! (yea because the American Apparel Rummage was so overly raw! LOL) I was thoroughly disappointed in them and thought thank god I don’t pay national insurance!

A thorough shame to the force.. No wonder London children/teens have had enough, nowhere to safe socialize, no decent clean parks to play in, not enough free easily accessible physical activity’s to par take in and parents who clearly don’t have a clue on how to guide or nurture them if even the middle class ones managed to start today’s scrum!

Wow that leaves me feeling so hopeful about raising my daughter, and watching her experience the joy’s London brings (are you detecting my sarcasm?!) ooof government have a lot to answer for because yes they are ‘part’ responsible for all the children/teens running about ready to wreak havoc at the slightest frustration or opportunity!

I cant find any positive outcomes from today, I hope this is reflected in my writing here; I AM DUMBFOUNDED!

Mental Health- Me? Real Or Just Another Stereotype?

My first referral…NHS told me I had a personality disorder and was suffering from depression; aged 15

Then I had the private referral which mother dearest paid for; Confirmed ADHD

The difference between the two referrals; The NHS assessment took 1 hour of talking to me whilst I was stoned and in a bad  mood because mother dearest had pissed me off by a doctor who couldn’t have been older than 28 and spoke quite broken English, and seemed herself to be pissed off with doing her job! The private assessment was a little better, id filled out a questionnaire  before hand, and was left in a room for about 30 minutes to hit a laptop key when I saw specific colours or something id been told to do, of which I didn’t take seriously and thought hmm let me see if I can  hack this computer and proceeded to use my computer knowledge to have a look around this laptops mainframe, which meant the end results of the program I was meant to complete were conclusive of those of a person with ADHD, it didn’t highlight my intrigue with BIOS! Mother Dearest and I spoke to the doctor for an hour of which the doctor confirmed I did have ADHD.

I cant help but think both assessments were equally floored, the overworked under trained NHS vs. the private easy to influence overpaid eager to get me into private treatment for more money, and I wonder whether mother dearest specifically took me to this ADHD doctor because her narcissistic Munchausen self wanted the diagnosis more to ease her own conscience and deflect any responsibility from her bad parenting!

Then of my own accord trying to get myself sectioned around the ages of 16/17 by walking into A&E and sitting for 4 hours to ramble on to a doctor about how dangerous I was to the public and myself only to be sent back to mother dearest or my B&B with some Diazepam! Even after being arrested once for carrying an offensive weapon (the night I went to try to do my daughters father then my BF in with my mini baseball bat and a solid metal scraper id found, mother had called the police and said we were both going to kill each other and they found be cycling my BMX down the road like nothing had happened!) the police put me in the back of the car and after talking to me and deciding it was a busy Friday night and the only available police station was miles out they would take me to the mental health unit instead to be assessed, I saw an African nurse who spoke to me..By now it was 2am (id been arrested at 10 pm!) I was calm again; rage over and she sent let me go knowing I was going back to my then BF after we’d both tried to do each other in! I was still a kid; I had no monies and walked about 3 miles to get back to his house for 6am, conveniently stealing the milk bread and orange juice off the doorsteps of the local’s en-route to keep me going!

When I then found out I was pregnant and had decided to go ahead with having my daughter, I actively walked into social services begging for their help so that I wouldn’t continue the patterns of behaviour from my mother and have problems with post natal depression, numerous times only to be sent away as being attention seeking or hysterical as my mother had labelled me, No one listened aside from my GP, my support worker the council had given me and my midwife, and all their hand were tied in the system of red tape as if we pushed too much with my ‘mental health’ problems I could risk having my child taken into care! So we all hoped and worked towards almost ignoring what was going on behind the scenes as there were inadequate services to help me.

I eventually needed CBT therapy 6-12 months after having my daughter, and was in and out of that, but the actual issue I was in there for never was addressed: My mother, she was the root cause of my problems and as long as I continued to see her and require her mothering I would be forever doomed to never break the cycle. Instead of the mental heath service helping me to break free or telling me, your mother is the problem do not see her or your child will be taken from you, they left me being still a child vulnerable to my own mother.

Seeing my father sectioned before my 18th birthday whilst I was pregnant further opened my eyes, cannabis induced schizophrenic who checked himself out of the unit, and after 2 weeks of being back home with his mother stopped taking his medication keeping him sane, and now he’s left roaming with his same paranoid thoughts and talks, not in therapy not in work with the job centre still sending him for work interviews! As his family were now forced with putting him back in a section where he can’t leave until treatment is completed (this leaves him vulnerable to shock treatment and any other method they want to trial on him) or spending his inheritance on his private treatment, as my Nan he lives with is herself dying from brain disease caused by smoking and is now needing pretty much constant supervision, its his care or hers the inheritance will end up being spent on, she doesn’t know she is dying… and yet her doctor who knows my fathers previous history told my father of her diagnosis instead me or any of his other siblings, my father shouldered the diagnosis for a while before breaking down and telling mother dearest who then told me which meant I had to tell my uncles their mother is dying as my father couldn’t tell them! And still no help or support from any mental health or social service, because we know they will zap my Nan’s fortune she worked hard for to leave to her descendants instead of having it snatched by the state that has never helped her!

I look at those last left native tribes who believe people with ‘mental health’ issues are in fact highly psychic and in tune with some higher force, and instead of casting out these people they nurture and embrace their uniqueness turning the ‘mental’ ones into mystics or such status, I cant help but feel they’ve got it right in their methods of treating and supporting those left vulnerable in their tribes. Reading through an article online I found this:

“Often, these problematic behavioural and substance abuse disorders are directly related to the tribal client’s personal history, which was influenced by their parenting and thus, indirectly by the experiences of their parents and grandparents.  In many historical situations (some recent), tribal individuals, their parents, and their grandparents have been adversely impacted by various traumatic experiences.

Historical impacts to tribal families, in combination with a culture of poverty, lead to situations within which parents, grandparents or other caregivers were not able to provide adequate care.”

I then went on to read:

“Thus, each successive generation of tribal parents has experienced their own adverse impacts, roughly in the following order: 1.) The introduction of disease into the system, for which there was no immunity; 2.) Dispossession of property and enforced moving to reserved lands (i.e., typically of marginal value); 3.) Persecution and murder during the various “Indian Wars”; 4.) Enforced assimilation and acculturation through the general allotment act and the federal boarding school system; 5.) Oppression of and outlawing of religion, cultural, and language (i.e., which is the carrier of culture); 6.) Introduction to vices, such as alcohol and drugs; 7.) Inappropriate and inefficient management of governmental and health care systems by dominant culture bureaucrats; 8.) The acting out of internalized oppression through domestic violence and child sexual abuse on other tribal peoples, both within and outside the nuclear family by native people.”

Found here: http://www.bhconference.com/…/Learning%20Objectives%20Final%207%2022%2009.pdf

I was left thinking and feeling as if we all still have historical tribal issues in an inner London modern mindset, and am now pickled as to how science fits in with traditional native beliefs in regards to mental health? I’m sure science just disregards these beliefs. We all have issues which un-addressed or ignored will lead us to a more severe coping strategy our brains are forced to concoct… is it right to call these mental illnesses? And does this stop us from helping those with actual real neurological disorders caused by alcohol drugs and birth defects? If our NHS system is inundated with forced coping mental illnesses that aren’t being helped or resolved by lack of funding and inadequately trained or experienced psychologists how on earth are they helping the people with real mental health disorders? Why is medication being used as a quick fix when that expense it costs the NHS could go to decent therapists, I forget this world is all about money and exploitation.

I’m afraid my life is a classic example of this systems failures and my struggle to break free of the chains so many are happy to just accept, we are all a way for a reason, they day we stop striving for a better mind and a better life we may as well be just euthanized before we spread our unresolved issues onto our children to burden the break!