Catch up

Been neglecting my head space here a bit, mainly because I’m fairly content at the moment! Its been a while!!

Sure the credit crunch has been getting me down, but nothing some serial market researching cant combat ūüėõ oooh a taboo subject I will have to write about very soon! my only haste is that should i give away all the tricks of the trade I may loose out in the long run on such a prudential income!

The recent news in politics about benefit overhaul as you can imagine has caught my attention, more so the topic of housing benefits cuts for people with young families in large inner city accommodations and sole occupants of more than 1 bedroom social properties .. I couldn’t agree¬† more! I don’t think its fair that people breed willy nilly don’t go to work, give their children a decent quality of life and yet sit back on their couch watching Jeremy Kyle only budging to go on the school run or down to the local boozer! Especially those who are married and could have their husband (wether he’s around or not!) pay his due’s to his family! Is marriage not worth anything these days?! Or the OAP’s (like the ones who live on my block!)¬† whom sit comfortably in their 2/3 bedroom properties moaning and groaning at the other neighbours with kids, who want to play out, who go to work and have parties on the weekends.. these old people need to realise when its time to move on! If your continually moaning maybe its time to move to a smaller older aged village where the weekly meeting on neighbour hood watch and how to stop the cars from speeding will have some productive outcomes, instead of a younger generation deeming their wants as brainless in an inner city environment! URGH

Also talking with my bessie today about competence.. and the fact that as people in society we are highly competent, and don’t often get that the majority of people aren’t actually as competent as we are, we don’t need to be on a pedestal but seriously i do question if people even use their brains these days! or if we are just a handful of intellectuals having to dumb down in order to fit in? Too be honest I’m sick of it.. watch this space, some radical changes are going to happen soon!


Life’s Reflective Breaking

Dawned on me today how close behaviours fall within families, and the patterns that get repeated or started in them, take for instance myself.. i always seem to attract people into my life whom have problems, who i try to help fix, who always distract me from what’s important (my daughter and I’s needs) and today that pattern stopped, i realised Mother Dearest the woman i loathe to be like has had a far greater influence on my life than i ever thought.. or maybe i just forget in all these emotions and confusion of trying to fix everyone else! This is HER pattern of deflective behaviour that stops her from dealing and facing up to her problems, today i learnt how to assert myself to stop that.. i’ve learnt how to say; no i don’t want that it my life, i’m going to deal with my problems, and in order to do that i have to be selfish and not help anyone but myself.. even if that means walking away from those i care for.

And in asserting myself i discovered how it feels to be on the other side of the coin, when you come from a family who aren’t used to reflective behaviours and analysing problems because either A. they don’t know how to or B. They’ve never had to (ie no seriously dysfunctional people in the family) and so aren’t able to help you in your reflecting, which is where you then turn to your friends or attract people into your life to help you to understand that process.. to enable your enlightenment into breaking the habit…

Its also not uncommon for habits to be seen as normal, such as following in your parents professional… to then get to an old age and realise shit actually this isn’t what i wanted to do, i did it to make them happy or to kill some time in finding my true niche, only i ended up wasting my life in doing so.

Were all different but essentially our problems are all rooted the same…

All our roads in life cross and its up to us as individuals how we choose to deal with those crossings… ignoring the red man or watching for the green, and those decisions in life shape us hugely… often deciding whether we make it to the other side or get run over.

Recent thought’s on Emotional Abuse

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about life and my blog and what i initially set this up to do, which was to help me stop her (mother dearest) from emotionally abusing her children (me and my siblings) and I’m not sure whether I’ve become disheartened with fighting this cause, or if in actual fact I’ve just learnt so much about it now, that i realise no one can actually help stop this problem.. mainly because its such a widespread issue in our society, emotional abuse is more than just shouting at your children or partner, it’s the long-term effect of living with a person who has numerous unresolved issues of their own which causes them to be unable to cope with everyday things in life, such as mood swings, hormones and the ever-changing society we live in.

I really don’t believe we will ever get to the bottom of emotional abuse unless people stop having children willy nilly, and realise what’s actually wrong with them, through therapeutic services and TIME! and then deal with their issues that make them unable to cope with such things..

and so because of this im thinking of renaming my blog, not sure of what yet but it feels like the right thing to do in order to take my writing to the next step… not sure where that is yet but life has its ways i guess.

In one of my friend counselling convo’s i made a comment to one of my friends this week about how families behave like animals in some circumstances, and i referred to several types of animal behaviour; Monkeys whom expel the one from the group who shows himself to be different, the bullying this monkey endures before being chased out of the group and exiled,and the Lions who very rarely have more than one male per pride, which i don’t need to explain why as we’ve all seen the discovery channel! It’s these exact behaviours animals exhibit which remind me of what many of my friends have experienced with their own families, difference being; Parents not being able to cope with not ruling the roost or being the boss anymore and having to allow their child the space to exert their own personality and preferences in lifestyle, which often parents consciously don’t want to allow or accept has happened, they fail to see the need to say “MY HOUSE MY RULES! DON’T LIKE IT FUCK OFF!” or have the ability to help their child leave the nest successfully with the understanding that everyone needs their own space thus being it their time to fly…

how is it that as humans we still behave like animals when it comes to connecting the brain paths between behaviour and asserting our humanity in a productive way?

Why do families fail to see how their children’s behaviours are products of their home environments?

As children (im speaking for the teens/adults who still live at home here under this term too as in my eyes if you still live at home with your parents your still a child) why are they unable to get through reasonably to their parents and break down the effects their parenting is/has had on them/their life?

Sure for me the only possible explanation is again the “my house my rules” mentality the parent is holding as a brick wall to not hear the truths their child is so clearly showing them… and again why would you as a parent not want to better your child’s life and grow your knowledge of life?! …pickles me this topic does!

It’s this example the most which grates on my soul in emotional abuse, as the above example clearly is… this unknowingly destroying abuse which causes so many problems for so many in life, which should be categorized as Emotional Abuse but is overlooked because we all endure it.

It prevents us as people from moving on in life, and understanding humanity on the whole.. heaven knows it’s the reason so many people bury their heads in distractions not always as productive as work, and yet how do we as a society or even i as the individual get this through to people in a constructive way? only outlet is here in my writing, and in hope that those i send here to read will get what im writing about and fully comprehend what im talking about and take active steps to ensure bad patterns stop?

My fight goes on


Mood swings

Everyone has them, and yet mine feel a whole load worser than everyone else’s… and i try to figure out why; all of them¬†triggered off by feeling of doubt within myself, feelings of doubt which stem from bad experiences as a child, bad experiences of which i had no control over, most of which were caused by Mother dearest’s¬†rippling mood swings to¬†someone’s¬†behaviour… even if it¬†wasnt mine that had spurred her into a mood id still get the brunt of it, and im still left trying to undo those feelings of self-doubt, those moments where i blamed myself for my mothers bad moods, those moments i actually believed i was wrong and punished myself for not knowing how to make them right… i still do it to myself now.

I did it to myself today, my daughter had the worst tantrum friday night, and woke up saturday¬† (today) still asserting her erratic¬†behaviour, the behaviour she exerts when with mother dearest, the behaviour she uses to deal with mother dearest’s¬†mood swings and inconsistent¬†parenting, the behaviour that is very similar to mine; minus the crying and shouting… and all i could do was feel awful, that she was behaving like this and i didn’t¬†know how to stop or help her through those emotions… (i don’t¬†know how to get through mine aside from sleeping it off)¬† so i did what i knew best and stood my ground, calmly told her she needed to put her other dress on, as the dress she wanted to wear was dirty needed washing and she wasnt able to wear it anyway as i had to sew a button¬†back on! and that until she put her other dress on we werent¬†going¬†out, she refused cried shouted threw¬†things and i ignored her, when she’d calmed down i explained to her that we werent¬†going out today, que tantrum round 2! I was vexed by not getting to go out, the suns been banging and i could have done with some vitamin D intake! never the less she went into her room and got on with doing her thing… i went to bed, fell asleep and was woken by her telling me she was waiting.. and was hungry.. so we ate our left over pizza from last nights dinner and she went back off to play, both of us knowing we both needed our own space… so later on we’d just ate dinner, i asked her to go get ready for bed…. no¬†problems no tantrums no attitude!! GREAT! bed time was no drama or con woman tricks she usually tries to pull and we sat and talked about what happened today, that tantrums will cause bad moods and ruin days so listening to mummy is what she needs to do coz mummy’s know best! she spoke about how she felt; its ok mummy i was being silly.

I couldn’t¬†help but feel as if now i was the one in the wrong in the first place, and that now she’s going to think every time¬†she has a tantrum im going to get in a bad mood…? I really need to check this issue of unresolved¬†childhood bad patterns of behaviour, i don’t¬†want to ever feel like i did today ever again and i feel sooo¬†bad for falling asleep! Even though i clearly needed a nap… and she couldn’t¬†have cared less where i was as she was swimming in her room full of new toys from her recent birthday! But at least¬†now i hope we’ve¬†had our bad day and will be on track for better days and less tantrums!

I sit now really resenting having to send her back to mother dearest, who still doesn’t¬†acknowledge¬†how destructive her behaviour still is to her children and her grand-child; my daughter, i shouldnt have to pick up the pieces every weekend from where mother dearest has practically terrorized my daughter all week with her mood swings! I just want my daughter back, more than ever now. X