My Story So Far…

As far back as i can remember my mother picked on me.. those comments like “What do you think your wearing..Your just like your dad…Stupid..thick.. look at the state of you.. your not allowed to listed to this shit music.. can’t you do anything right?.. “  That drove me to be 22 and still tied to the woman who ruined my essence, tore my personality into shreds, left my self-esteem buried 6 ft under in a preempted grave, the mother who now has residency of my daughter, and leaves me doubting myself everyday, questioning her right to my life? and why no one can HELP ME STOP HER?

My childhood had its ups and downs, mother did try her best, but between her lack of parenting and abusive relationships ours was a recipe for disaster from the start, EST 1987.. then my brother arrived EST 1989 and we moved about till i was 7, dad playing an on off role, and great nan being the pillar of the family support, my saviour and at times mothers biggest enemy, my mothers mum, my gran had died when my mum was about 5, leaving mother dearest and her sister- my aunt aged 11 ish, in the hands of my great nan and convict grandfather.. in years to come my great nan and aunt would be my only saviours, allies.. confidants.

The usual childhood sibling rivalry existed and was made worse by the constant family battle of sides, me my aunt and great nan vs mother dearest and my brother, with dad playing the in between drunken pawn, this pattern of behaviour still goes on to this day minus my great nan who passed away 2004.. a few months before i had my daughter.

So aged 9/10 mother left my dad for her now husband, the step dad! we never got along, and to be honest i thought he wasnt good enough for mother who ironically deserved better than a stupid man who himself was/is still tied to his mothers apron strings, they’ve been together 10 years now, and ive lost count of the amount of times he’s left her and my 3 sisters aged 9, 4 & 6 months.. it’s roughly once a year! Essentially the disruptive home life is what my teachers in secondary school picked up on and tried endlessly to get me to talk about, and of course I denied it, I refused to accept the fact mother dearest husband and my then new baby sister was effecting my behaviour, I was a headstrong teen who just wanted to go to work, forget school and earn my own ££ to buy my own stuff, considering anything I got from mother or daddy dearest came with terms; with dad I had to endure his ramblings on how much of a bitch mother was, how hard his life had been/still is, and mother dearest; the queen of Emotional Blackmail.. always throwing the past in my face, luring me into changing sides and move back home/or be thrown out, the parental abuse was next level!

I spent my teen hood moving between my great Nan’s, mother’s and fathers and even lived with my newly acquired bestie from secondary school! I worked after school from the age of 11, and when I left school aged 14 went on full-time, still working through all the moves! It was there I met my other bestie who has been my rock through a lot of the crap ive lived through! Mother dearest managed to sabotage my job when I went to live with father dearest, and after a few months I went to live back with her to regain my job… until the step dad decided he wasnt going to stay at home to look after my sister, and as the house couldn’t survive on just his wage it was put on me to look after my sister, so I eventually quit working, and mother dearest paid me monies instead… I endured the early 6.30am wake ups, tidied the house washed the dishes and cleaned up after mother brother and step dad whilst looking after baby sis… my school bessie would come and bunk off at mine and help me then when mother got back from work 12/1 ish we’d go about getting stoned.. and filling the rest of our days with shoplifting and hanging out in the park or at each others houses.

The ongoing arguments between everyone in my family was endless, I was arrested numerous times from the ages of 15-17 escorted off the family home, I was torn between being there for my siblings and being an average teenager wanting a normal life, like the rest of my friends, I was in and out of the social services office asking for help, but mother had had me labelled with ADHD, and everyone put it down to me attention seeking, mother totally washed off any responsibility to my behaviour and outbursts, acting out the best mother role, at the end of her tether… everyone professional failed to listen to me or see that I was being emotionally abused.. and to this day it’s still going on.

I moved out aged 17, mother wouldn’t let me move out age 16 as she knew social services would have to be involved and she didn’t want anyone preying into her family.. by this time I was already in a violent relationship myself with my then dealer, and 6 months later was pregnant, I often wonder had I have had better parenting if id have had my daughter? I tried to make my relationship work with my daughters father, but his drug misuse was out of control, I had kicked my weed smoking & drinking when id found out I was pregnant, defiant that I would turn my life around.. part of this process was getting rid of my partner, we were both messed up and together were a nightmare,physically fighting and provoking each other often in front of our newborn child, in the mother and baby hostel! Mother dearest even telling me at one point i deserved a beating from him and I should take it.. I was left questioning what kind of mother tells her daughter she professes to love this?! Again no one helped me, until he assaulted me on his High Street, and the police arrested him for common assault and we went through the domestic violence courts, only a few weeks before he had climbed through my hostel window and stolen my property and was on a charge of burglary under a different borough; not under the domestic violence courts! The outcome of that was he got NFA on the burglary, as he claimed to have keys to the mother and baby hostel- even though I was the only one allowed keys  had to sign an agreement when I moved in, and the keys were coded so only the manager could get them cut! Not surprisingly for the common assault he was found guilty, I never had to see his face in court and I had an allocated worker who kept me informed the whole way through the court process.. I was safe finally! he was ordered to pay me compensations around £75 or so and was ordered to be put on 18 month rehab probation and to attend the Integrated Domestic Abuse Program (IDAP program) with an attachment to have no contact with me what so ever.. PERFECT! finally someone had helped me!

So a 1.5yrs of my daughter’s life rolled by and I was still tormented by the attachment to my mother, I relied on her for babysitting whilst I went out and socialized, and had driving lessons that dad had paid for.. remember I was 18 and still wanted a half normal life! By this time id picked up a 16 y.o. bf and was having a bit of fun with him..until his mother found out! As I knew his mother and was close with the family shit really hit the fan, I had just moved into my flat, and had said to my mum “look have the baby before I go mad and kill her” figure of speech.. not that mother understood what stress I was under..she thought i was literal.. but took my daughter off my hands for a weekend whilst i decorated my new flat and got my shit together! this same weekend the new bf’s mother had found out and was going mental.. this led to her reporting me to social services for physically abusing my daughter, neglecting to feed her, and countless other allegations, social services then spoke to mother dearest whom said she wouldn’t put anything past me, that i was a druggy, and who knows what i was capable of. I had been fucked over by my mother, could i blame her? no! because she didn’t know me, she hadn’t a clue about my life outside of the problems is discussed with her and what she believed was half right, just she didn’t know the other good side to me, and couldn’t trust me because of what we’d done to each other during my teenhood.

So i wasnt allowed access to my daughter until social services had finished investigating, and what they uncovered was a historical mess of family dysfunctions, generations of bad parenting passed on to the next. And 2 years on, countless court dates, family mediation, reports, social service meetings and even more arguments, the only thing that has finalized was the contact mother dearest had instigated with my daughters dad, despite the court orders.. proving me right once more, as he was unable to put his drugs before his daughter and is now facing a long jail term after his home was raided by police.

I worked contact with my daughter up from scratch, where my visits were once a week for 2 hours with the social worker to now unsupervised contact with home visits/night stays on weekends.. essentially ive been penalized for my parents bad parenting, and the Social services have left my daughter with the woman who still to this day emotionally abuses me using my daughter against me, trying to prove how she does this is increasingly difficult, my own solicitor even finding it very hard to press for investigations without evidence in court, purely on the basis of why not, if it’s not conclusive theirs not harm done!

Wholly what it comes down to is the UK’s lack of awareness on this subject to start with which has millions of children all over the Uk suffering at the hands of their lovingly abusive parents, Poorly trained Social Service Staff, over worked G.P’s and lacking NHS Mental Health services, are our future generations doomed to a society of bad parenting thats spiralling out of control? or will we be able to pull through and learn from the worst parenting we’ve ever experienced and strive to not make those same mistakes by sacrificing ourselves?

Till my next post, lets keep discussing & raising awareness!


5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. nojusticeforparents
    Mar 09, 2010 @ 16:45:34

    look up a book called toxic parents xx


  2. Ann Tolson
    Apr 29, 2010 @ 13:16:51

    I have only just seen your site for the first time today. You have shown me the most insight into my own upbringing, relationships and the issues between my mother and I, that are all to frequent in my adult life.

    Thank you for sharing xx


    • helpmestopher
      Apr 29, 2010 @ 17:32:09

      I’m glad I’ve been able to give you that insight, It always feels really rewarding to get such feedback like yours, but my heart also sinks a little in thinking that someone else has to live with similar problems 😦
      I do hope you try to take it all in your stride and with a light hearted approach.. so not to get too depressed! X


  3. Khadija
    Jan 03, 2011 @ 10:04:37

    Your brave, and strong, and I know your beautiful inside. You are passion about what you believe in and no-one can can take that away from you. Take one step at a time, and do not lose hope, for hope is a powerful thing that changes peoples lives. As a mother of three boys, whose father was very abusive in all ways, I have rebuilt my life to one that has purpose and meaning. I hope that this pathway can be your also. Have faith.


  4. Sarah
    Mar 16, 2011 @ 22:59:55

    You want feedback? You need to get a grip. Stop blaming other people for your life. Sort yourself out, toughen up. Your blog sounds like one big self indulgent whine.


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