The why questions.. & the wishes

Why did this life have to happen to me? Why do i have to look after my dad? Why was i born to these parents? Why do i make the choices i do?

Why cant i just live a normal life? …I ask myself near enough everyday and i always come up with the same answer;

There is no one better equipped to do this apart from me, if i wasn’t doing this i wouldn’t have a purpose.. id be lost.

That Is what i console myself with, i know im probably not the best person to be helping my dad but im the only person in my family that can, i dont do it the best, but its all i can do.

My dad was recently admitted into psychiatric hospital, diagnosed with non organic psychosis pumped full of drugs and discharged into the community despite my pleas not to, the roller-coaster that has ensued painfully goes on.

I have to admit i hate doing it, and that  i wish everyday i wasn’t, and that he would miraculously get better ..but i know he wont, i wish i would miraculously win the lottery and be able to pay for my dad to be fixed, for mother dearest (no wait bpth of my parents) to get the psychological  help they need, or for someone else to stand up for me and fight.. but i know that wont happen, not even in my wildest dreams.

I’ve come to accept my path and what i have to deal with on this walk alone, carrying both parents burdens whilst trying to fight my own demons along the path of life. Where does it lead? to success i can only hope! That one day i will run a campaign that will make enough of a difference to local services many in my shoes have to make do with, so they no longer have to make do. A campaign that gets noticed by someone who cares enough to blow it up into an example, to hopefully make me a career out of it.. or atleast a book deal! 🙂 (yes my humour is still there)

I wasnt born to work a 9-5, although sometimes i wish i was! What i do goes beyond 9-5.. its 24/7! I care from the pits of my stomach about what is going on around me, my family, my community, the world! Most nights i go to sleep with such a heavy heart, praying even though im not religious that someone somewhere help change things, i worry for people who dont give two shits about me, and i cry for my family who cant see where or how they hurt me.

My dreams torment me, either showing me what im missing out on and upon waking leave me feeling heavy with sadness that ive woken up to face reality again, and i wonder at every turn what more could possibly go wrong next?

How much longer can my wishes and whys be ignored?

What ever the future holds i know that everyday i grow stronger, i find more people out there to talk to.. to help me ever so slightly and i know that staying true to myself gets me through everyday! And thats all that counts.. right?

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Thought about it Mr.Minister? Clearly not

Standing harping on till their blue in the face isn’t going to change a thing, we all know society is screwed and we all know its not going to get better anytime soon.

But I’m sure I’m not the only one who can see that years of bad patterns of  behavior has left generations out of work, unmotivated sat on couches chain smoking and not caring enough to stop their kids from binge drinking!

These are the people who need help from mental health services, its about time this service didnt  have such a stigma attached to it because frankly it doesn’t take a doctor’s qualification to see that  the majority of the population needs some form of therapy! be it counselling, CBT, rehab or anti-psychotic pills! -And the faster they get help the better, or they’re never gonna get up off their asses! We’ll just see a generation of signed off sicker that they already are, or hugely anti-social and pioneering blackmarket trading and professional inside knock off jobs to screw these big corporations out of stock to sell back onto the poor people, which will see crime rewarding the criminally minded! Perhaps thats why government is so screwed eh!

And it doesn’t take a qualification to see that if more people did use theraputic services they may work jobs they’re actually happy to work, or do to nurture their real talents, talents that go beyond working the desk job in customer service that see’s them ruding out their issues on every customer that calls -customer that call for a service -their jobs should see them helping instead of offloading onto! Oh and sorry employers don’t get off that lightly either because as company’s (especially the larger more corporate ones) they should have team building days, and be giving their workers targets & further training incentives other than cash to keep stimulated! What the hell are appraisals for otherwise?

DO WE REALLY HAVE TO BE A GENERATION WHO DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ANYONE ELSE?

If reform is going to work, its going to have to be radical and its gonna take balls to make it happen.. truth be it no one in government is ballsy enough to do it! Its time this country re thought politics and got with the times! We seem to be a guinea-pig Isle of a country as it goes so why don’t we try something new and pioneering? Clearly what the were doing at the moment ISN’T working!

I’m talking more than 1 child tax like china has -get real, we shouldn’t be able to breed faster than some of the animals we eat do! Or expect society to pay for our children’s upkeep! Cant afford kids don’t have them & be willing to prove you can pay for them!

Working laws that work, national unsexist minimum wages! (coz no matter how much they try it certain people are out sexed in jobs) and taxing that is FAIR! which enables the next following points to work

State Services such as 999, NHS health care, street cleaning, rubbish collection, pensions.. SCHOOLING! All need to be vastly overhauled, its never going to be cheap.. but pump funding into mental health services firstly and you’ll see a general improvement in the minds of the workers and unemployed!

NLP Life coaches & counsellors in job centers and schools need to happen on a larger scale, because literally most parents aren’t mentally there to be able to guide their children these days sadly!

Therapeutic services need an overhaul because these outdated 15th century barbaric tactics aren’t working, shock treatment and over sedating on drugs namely! CBT is great but people need to be told harsh truths like “your fat and if you don’t loose weight wont be getting any income support, & will be dying sooner than you think” and radical life changing services such as NLP & alternative”s like acupuncture, Chinese medicine should be available under NHS! They work and are naturally healthier than pumping your body full of lab grown artificial medicines!

This list can go on and on when i look at each subject in more detail.. Its radical but it is possible, people just need a kick up the arse.

 

Whitehall Student Protests Evoking My BIG Emotions!

Been sitting here watching the news since 6pm, monitoring twitter -reading the thousands of tweets about the thousands of teenagers kettled in by police at the 24th November 2010 Student Protests against rising University fee’s at Whitehall London UK, the bias views of the press who love to feast on the one riot van being rocked about.. come on why would one police van be driving about amidst 50,000 angry teenage protesters?

They know what happened last time so this was a blatant set up for bad press!

The feelings of anger bubble inside me and i’m not even a student! As a mother who’s daughter is safely tucked up in bed i can only imagine what the parents of these kettled in kids are feeling.. It doesnt make it any easier -I’m asking myself why i actually brought a child into this failing world we live in, where socially were set up to fail? I feel sick

Today put us on the brink of a Revolution -The students revolution, I’m quite sad I’m not educated enough to be involved, i feel thoroughly moved by the unity these students are showing! -It is the rest of the population who should feel ashamed for not being more supportive of our future generation’s education!

I have a headache, twitter and its small minded country bumpkin out of touch morty (my word for more ty’s in their age should put them in the mortuary)  year olds harping on in the most closed minded ways is literally infuriating! I hate to think i exist in a planet where such a travesty is upheld, these morons get paid to work and think like this? FUCK ME.. Get with the times its the 2010 not 1910! Actually in 1910 they probably would have marched into parliament and strung up the dodo’s making such hideous decisions on behalf of this country!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2010/nov/24/student-protests-childrens-crusade?CMP=twt_gu

I liked this ^^^ despite it being from the bias Guardian!

But this blog post really hit home http://leninology.blogspot.com/ They’re spot on in their writing, todays students are tomorrows government induced militants, hugely underrated and yet sadly it seems to be a general consensus out there that this world is over populated, the earth cant sustain us all, and their is no one radical enough out there to save us all, a back to basics lifestyle isnt what the spoilt majority want to do or even know how to do, shit half the population doesn’t even know how to cook a decent meal from scratch.

The futures not bright but it will be orange when this planet burns p in a huge ball of fire!

I feel better after ranting now ;~)

Recent thought’s on Emotional Abuse

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about life and my blog and what i initially set this up to do, which was to help me stop her (mother dearest) from emotionally abusing her children (me and my siblings) and I’m not sure whether I’ve become disheartened with fighting this cause, or if in actual fact I’ve just learnt so much about it now, that i realise no one can actually help stop this problem.. mainly because its such a widespread issue in our society, emotional abuse is more than just shouting at your children or partner, it’s the long-term effect of living with a person who has numerous unresolved issues of their own which causes them to be unable to cope with everyday things in life, such as mood swings, hormones and the ever-changing society we live in.

I really don’t believe we will ever get to the bottom of emotional abuse unless people stop having children willy nilly, and realise what’s actually wrong with them, through therapeutic services and TIME! and then deal with their issues that make them unable to cope with such things..

and so because of this im thinking of renaming my blog, not sure of what yet but it feels like the right thing to do in order to take my writing to the next step… not sure where that is yet but life has its ways i guess.

In one of my friend counselling convo’s i made a comment to one of my friends this week about how families behave like animals in some circumstances, and i referred to several types of animal behaviour; Monkeys whom expel the one from the group who shows himself to be different, the bullying this monkey endures before being chased out of the group and exiled,and the Lions who very rarely have more than one male per pride, which i don’t need to explain why as we’ve all seen the discovery channel! It’s these exact behaviours animals exhibit which remind me of what many of my friends have experienced with their own families, difference being; Parents not being able to cope with not ruling the roost or being the boss anymore and having to allow their child the space to exert their own personality and preferences in lifestyle, which often parents consciously don’t want to allow or accept has happened, they fail to see the need to say “MY HOUSE MY RULES! DON’T LIKE IT FUCK OFF!” or have the ability to help their child leave the nest successfully with the understanding that everyone needs their own space thus being it their time to fly…

how is it that as humans we still behave like animals when it comes to connecting the brain paths between behaviour and asserting our humanity in a productive way?

Why do families fail to see how their children’s behaviours are products of their home environments?

As children (im speaking for the teens/adults who still live at home here under this term too as in my eyes if you still live at home with your parents your still a child) why are they unable to get through reasonably to their parents and break down the effects their parenting is/has had on them/their life?

Sure for me the only possible explanation is again the “my house my rules” mentality the parent is holding as a brick wall to not hear the truths their child is so clearly showing them… and again why would you as a parent not want to better your child’s life and grow your knowledge of life?! …pickles me this topic does!

It’s this example the most which grates on my soul in emotional abuse, as the above example clearly is… this unknowingly destroying abuse which causes so many problems for so many in life, which should be categorized as Emotional Abuse but is overlooked because we all endure it.

It prevents us as people from moving on in life, and understanding humanity on the whole.. heaven knows it’s the reason so many people bury their heads in distractions not always as productive as work, and yet how do we as a society or even i as the individual get this through to people in a constructive way? ..my only outlet is here in my writing, and in hope that those i send here to read will get what im writing about and fully comprehend what im talking about and take active steps to ensure bad patterns stop?

My fight goes on

I Am Reflective Parent

I feel as if I’m finally regaining some of my motherhood back at long last! simply being able to conversate with my daughter is such an amazing thing now she’s old enough to talk back and understand! I religiously read through my copy of “The Science of parenting -by Margot Sunderland” whenever i feel a slight inclination or doubt about how to manage a tantrum or my own feelings on mothering techniques, and i always learn something new to implement, or some new revelation about my own behaviours and i nip them in the bud so not to pass them onto my daughter!

It’s what i see so very few parents doing in their daily life, and yet it’s so important to look within and back to understand the present and future, to help most importantly your child to thrive… it’s the reason so many of my friends are “lost” in career.. emotion…each difference always coming back to the need to look back to see forward, its like regardless of their own or their child’s age, its something we all forget to do! Some bury their heads in their career, some have substance addictions, and if you’ve read my “mental-health-issues-prevalent-in-london” article you’ll be all to familiar with the hows and whys i think on mental health reasons; under stimulated brains with nothing better to do! and well some people choose to just not think about it… which is sad and the reason we all have such issues in our families, i don’t expect life to be perfect, i do majority of the time wish it was, but i cant help to feel that in today’s society if you don’t root out your issues the social divide will continue to widen… and it is going to come down to super intelligent Vs. super fucked up!

Saddest thing is that the older generations get the grump (yes I’m speaking from experience with my nan) about how the kids of today (I’m one of them) don’t care about the older generations, their parents or grandparents, as much as history dictates we should.. were born to look after our elders eventually… When in today’s society, slowly we’re realising with all the good intentions of our elders actually they’ve done us more harm than good-by handing down all these historical family issues that were now having to fight back against! That exact mindset of having kids to care for us in our elder years is a classic example! Which is why were now seeing a decrease in child bearers over a certain peak age, why women are choosing careers and a life over children, and why the ones not dealing with their issues are those with higher numbers of teen pregnancy’s and all the side effects that come with such demographics! some of what i write about at times mid paragraph may seem totally hypocritical but remember I’m writing from my experience which is not that of a well off person or a poor person) but that of a person who is middle ground trying to break free into the well off side..and yes i know even that causes different issues!

It’s not hard to see the blatant divides between rich-poor, young-old, even between ethnicity’s… they all have impending factors on why we make certain choices in life, (…I’m trying to write without having to give examples and im hoping all my readers are with me in the thought process with this one! please tell me if I’ve lost you and ill come back and stick an example in here!)

So final thought before my word count goes through the roof as usual!

I understand why the government is trialling or trying to implement/predict whose children will be of the higher new world order race, it feels like common sense to me for this to happen…shit if i was in some form of power or control id frigging do the same thing to protect this world and the people who had strived and worked hard to be where they are/get where their going… in their search for whatever it is we lust for in life!

I’m proud to be trying to break free of my issues, I’m sure this is going to impact my predecessors hugely, and i at times feel as if some families are a good few generations ahead of mine in this game.. but i do love my reflective parenting strategy it works for me, and when speaking with people and sharing such thoughts it’s clearly helping them for the better too, which will never be a bad thing!

I’m glad I think reflective parent!

Mood swings

Everyone has them, and yet mine feel a whole load worser than everyone else’s… and i try to figure out why; all of them triggered off by feeling of doubt within myself, feelings of doubt which stem from bad experiences as a child, bad experiences of which i had no control over, most of which were caused by Mother dearest’s rippling mood swings to someone’s behaviour… even if it wasnt mine that had spurred her into a mood id still get the brunt of it, and im still left trying to undo those feelings of self-doubt, those moments where i blamed myself for my mothers bad moods, those moments i actually believed i was wrong and punished myself for not knowing how to make them right… i still do it to myself now.

I did it to myself today, my daughter had the worst tantrum friday night, and woke up saturday  (today) still asserting her erratic behaviour, the behaviour she exerts when with mother dearest, the behaviour she uses to deal with mother dearest’s mood swings and inconsistent parenting, the behaviour that is very similar to mine; minus the crying and shouting… and all i could do was feel awful, that she was behaving like this and i didn’t know how to stop or help her through those emotions… (i don’t know how to get through mine aside from sleeping it off)  so i did what i knew best and stood my ground, calmly told her she needed to put her other dress on, as the dress she wanted to wear was dirty needed washing and she wasnt able to wear it anyway as i had to sew a button back on! and that until she put her other dress on we werent going out, she refused cried shouted threw things and i ignored her, when she’d calmed down i explained to her that we werent going out today, que tantrum round 2! I was vexed by not getting to go out, the suns been banging and i could have done with some vitamin D intake! never the less she went into her room and got on with doing her thing… i went to bed, fell asleep and was woken by her telling me she was waiting.. and was hungry.. so we ate our left over pizza from last nights dinner and she went back off to play, both of us knowing we both needed our own space… so later on we’d just ate dinner, i asked her to go get ready for bed…. no problems no tantrums no attitude!! GREAT! bed time was no drama or con woman tricks she usually tries to pull and we sat and talked about what happened today, that tantrums will cause bad moods and ruin days so listening to mummy is what she needs to do coz mummy’s know best! she spoke about how she felt; its ok mummy i was being silly.

I couldn’t help but feel as if now i was the one in the wrong in the first place, and that now she’s going to think every time she has a tantrum im going to get in a bad mood…? I really need to check this issue of unresolved childhood bad patterns of behaviour, i don’t want to ever feel like i did today ever again and i feel sooo bad for falling asleep! Even though i clearly needed a nap… and she couldn’t have cared less where i was as she was swimming in her room full of new toys from her recent birthday! But at least now i hope we’ve had our bad day and will be on track for better days and less tantrums!

I sit now really resenting having to send her back to mother dearest, who still doesn’t acknowledge how destructive her behaviour still is to her children and her grand-child; my daughter, i shouldnt have to pick up the pieces every weekend from where mother dearest has practically terrorized my daughter all week with her mood swings! I just want my daughter back, more than ever now. X

Separated Families

Today I attended the Separated Families workshop run for parents dealing with separation issues, sitting in the meeting i could hear mothers brain ticking away as the penny slowly dropped, with every explanation of behaviour signs, exchange of experiences between parents, and the simple solutions Karen provided. I know mother left understanding more that what she came out of Mediation with, and we both managed to agree that such courses should be run in conjunction with if not before Mediation Sessions to be most productive!

The simple yet effective methods of explaining how behaviours and feelings work, using the research like Kubler Ross -Change Curve, doesn’t even leave you needing to verify his theory as it really does make perfect sense! And if you did question or unsure of how an example from your life fitted into the subject we were discussing Karen or one of her team were able to simplify your own emotions and feelings so clearly, you felt a bit stupid for not realising it yourself! Ok not even stupid..I’m exaggerating.. it was like someone re-worded your sentence and made it simple enough for a 5 year old to relate to! Being in an environment with other parents sharing their experiences and troubles was so moving, and probably for me the biggest lesson i learned in yet again keeping perspective; that there are other people in the world going through what you are, you’re not alone, and in a split second you’ve had the reality check you needed to tell you, you’re not an alien, this is fairly normal and now you can move on to find a solution to your next problem… that is some of what life is all about i suppose!

I’m still in total disgust that everything effectively positive I have had to go out of my way to find and if not funded under legal aid I’ve forces social services to pay for! and that they played no help or role in helping me find such services… i really do wonder what social services do now? ..i think i may go look their ethos up!

Back to the point; Separated Families: what an inspiring team Karen has… you can guarantee I’m now preparing a few letters to the Local Authority and all the relevant ministers in support of the benefits of using Separated Families workshops to empower and better help the everyday service user of the lower end of society, because we all know social services don’t touch families of wealth with a barge pole! And really they are the ones who need so much help, i can already foresee in families then community’s, the changes such an empowering and understanding course could bring to better peoples lives.

As always ill keep you updated with my progress on that!  …I’m off now to de-Nit my infested hair! 😀 joyus times! X

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