The why questions.. & the wishes

Why did this life have to happen to me? Why do i have to look after my dad? Why was i born to these parents? Why do i make the choices i do?

Why cant i just live a normal life? …I ask myself near enough everyday and i always come up with the same answer;

There is no one better equipped to do this apart from me, if i wasn’t doing this i wouldn’t have a purpose.. id be lost.

That Is what i console myself with, i know im probably not the best person to be helping my dad but im the only person in my family that can, i dont do it the best, but its all i can do.

My dad was recently admitted into psychiatric hospital, diagnosed with non organic psychosis pumped full of drugs and discharged into the community despite my pleas not to, the roller-coaster that has ensued painfully goes on.

I have to admit i hate doing it, and that  i wish everyday i wasn’t, and that he would miraculously get better ..but i know he wont, i wish i would miraculously win the lottery and be able to pay for my dad to be fixed, for mother dearest (no wait bpth of my parents) to get the psychological  help they need, or for someone else to stand up for me and fight.. but i know that wont happen, not even in my wildest dreams.

I’ve come to accept my path and what i have to deal with on this walk alone, carrying both parents burdens whilst trying to fight my own demons along the path of life. Where does it lead? to success i can only hope! That one day i will run a campaign that will make enough of a difference to local services many in my shoes have to make do with, so they no longer have to make do. A campaign that gets noticed by someone who cares enough to blow it up into an example, to hopefully make me a career out of it.. or atleast a book deal! 🙂 (yes my humour is still there)

I wasnt born to work a 9-5, although sometimes i wish i was! What i do goes beyond 9-5.. its 24/7! I care from the pits of my stomach about what is going on around me, my family, my community, the world! Most nights i go to sleep with such a heavy heart, praying even though im not religious that someone somewhere help change things, i worry for people who dont give two shits about me, and i cry for my family who cant see where or how they hurt me.

My dreams torment me, either showing me what im missing out on and upon waking leave me feeling heavy with sadness that ive woken up to face reality again, and i wonder at every turn what more could possibly go wrong next?

How much longer can my wishes and whys be ignored?

What ever the future holds i know that everyday i grow stronger, i find more people out there to talk to.. to help me ever so slightly and i know that staying true to myself gets me through everyday! And thats all that counts.. right?

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