Nothing much ever changes

In the lives of 10 people around me.. sadly related to me nothing much ever changes!

I thought that by not coming here to vent out my annoyances with my family that somehow progress was continuing, how very wrong of me to think such a foolish thought! It seems that I am just a viewer to all the chaos that continues to wreak havoc in the minds of 4 very saddening adult individuals, so afraid of life and confronting issues that keep them locked in patterns of behaviour that continue to alienate them from others and beautiful things this world has to offer. Chemical imbalances are clearly taking over and are proving unstoppable.. I pray one day they spontaneously combust!

Mother dearest continues to be blinded by her own madness and is now (probably always has been in my eyes) a victim of her own life, bad choice after not choosing to change practically anything in her life! She said today that she wishes I was more compassionate and patient, mostly in my conduct towards my family.. but the active desire to alleviate another’s suffering is slowly withering like left over Mc donalds chips. As the parents who are meant to be helping me through life have always looked to me to make their lives easier.. 21st century children are not slaves! I can be very compassionate, and i think given the UK’s limited resources there are practitioners out here who can help those with more complicated medical problems.. but you can take a horse to water but you cant make it drink attitude prevails especially where im concerned, i can only do so much before i start having to parent my parents in some role reversal dynamics! So to help myself i have to help my parents in order to feel less guilty? Nah sorry not me.. if your talking compassion on that scale im not jesus, and i cannot sacrifice myself to save the 2 wholly ungrateful parents of mine! Where’s my credit? I dont get any… nothing but hard knocks.. call me annie from now on!

So now my father is homeless, well half homeless till the London council decide the weathers warm enough for him to sleep on the streets.. again. And im made to feel guilty that i dont and wont let him stay with me in my council flat, but i made this space to get away from my parents! If i wanted to live with them id have never moved out from both their homes! Ive tried with my dad, he is mental but as his mother is still alive her senile self is the only person who can have him sectioned..again, and so my hands are tied, his GP doesnt care, i cant have him living with me and no one else wants to or should have to hold his hand whilst he tries to find his feet or sponge off the next person that shows him any sympathy, he’s a grown man with 2 grown up children.. if he cant cope then yes he should be sectioned in the mental unit! So until his mother or someone else helps get him sectioned my hands are tied.

This has undoubtedly had its effects on my brother and his fiancé, who is close to finishing with him anyway after being treated like a complete cunt, for months on end.. my brother is sadly very selfish like my mother and has his priority’s completely wrong. Any hope of salvaging a relationship with him was lost a long time ago..  its his fiancé i have the compassion for as she is actually grateful for my shoulder, insight and support.

And me, well I’m just doing me, concentrating on making sure i give my child new positive experiences this life has to offer, keeping a roof over our  heads and food on the tables.. the fight to have her back forever continues, with just a psychologists report standing in the way.. hopefully for not much longer.

And my ending point people; don’t make the same mistakes people.. learn to check yourselves and break bad patterns of destructive behaviour!

3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. kevin blumer
    Jan 11, 2011 @ 23:06:05

    i was homeless a bit back but i was kinda lucky at the same time it was summer this means you get the sunshine in the day and a nice nights sleep i was right next to the sea as well so it was like a mini holiday and one of my friends was letting me use the shower and making meals for me so it wasnt that bad what did i learn form the xcpirence you think it will never happen to you did to me so it was a culture shock


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