Life’s Reflective Breaking

Dawned on me today how close behaviours fall within families, and the patterns that get repeated or started in them, take for instance myself.. i always seem to attract people into my life whom have problems, who i try to help fix, who always distract me from what’s important (my daughter and I’s needs) and today that pattern stopped, i realised Mother Dearest the woman i loathe to be like has had a far greater influence on my life than i ever thought.. or maybe i just forget in all these emotions and confusion of trying to fix everyone else! This is HER pattern of deflective behaviour that stops her from dealing and facing up to her problems, today i learnt how to assert myself to stop that.. i’ve learnt how to say; no i don’t want that it my life, i’m going to deal with my problems, and in order to do that i have to be selfish and not help anyone but myself.. even if that means walking away from those i care for.

And in asserting myself i discovered how it feels to be on the other side of the coin, when you come from a family who aren’t used to reflective behaviours and analysing problems because either A. they don’t know how to or B. They’ve never had to (ie no seriously dysfunctional people in the family) and so aren’t able to help you in your reflecting, which is where you then turn to your friends or attract people into your life to help you to understand that process.. to enable your enlightenment into breaking the habit…

Its also not uncommon for habits to be seen as normal, such as following in your parents professional footprints..career… to then get to an old age and realise shit actually this isn’t what i wanted to do, i did it to make them happy or to kill some time in finding my true niche, only i ended up wasting my life in doing so.

Were all different but essentially our problems are all rooted the same…

All our roads in life cross and its up to us as individuals how we choose to deal with those crossings… ignoring the red man or watching for the green, and those decisions in life shape us hugely… often deciding whether we make it to the other side or get run over.

Summer Holiday School?

I thought summer holiday school was something most kids would want to do if their parents could afford? andĀ  then i hit on the touchy subject of sending your kids even though you don’t work, or sending kids that don’t want to go… seems this is a trickier subject than i originally thought when deciding to send my daughter to 8 days of holiday camp over 3 weeks (that’s all her school would allow per child due to demand) i hit upon my mother (surprise surprise) first agreeing to it, and then deciding a day a day later she thinks i shouldn’t be palming my daughter off during ‘holidays’ when we should be spending quality time together. Correct me if I’m wrong but 8 days out of 5 weeks with me isn’t going to kill her right? and in fact given London has a limited amount of things to do with kids, summer club should be a welcomed extra treat for my daughter, where she gets to socialize with a wider demographic of children then she would encounter at school… and break from me so she isn’t bored to death!

I then had to think about different children’s needs, and to be fair if my daughter wasn’t 5 and still doing free play at school and was pen to paper everyday in school churning out grades i probably still would send her just for the extra stimulation to continue through the “lazy break” so she didn’t loose focus (lord knows its very easy to become lazy!) I also thought it was good for kids to start doing activity’s from a young age to build their confidence and grow their interests, not only to keep them stimulated but also to give them the experience of being able to do anything they wanted, and to learn that with time and commitment they can become great at anything they put their minds to! I really do believe if you start them young enough when they get to that teenage phase of either mucking up or throwing themselves into something wholly productive it will be the productive route they choose if they’ve had the opportunity’s and experience of starting new things from a young age!

But it seems there are a lot of people who could disagree with this, and again as usual I’m forced to look at parents projecting their wants needs and excuses onto their children as to why they shouldn’t bother, or even try… the classic “I didn’t like doing it so they wont like it” attitude which really bugs me… and disastrously I’m seeing A LOT of this attitude with parents! šŸ˜¦ which puts me on a huge downer thinking about the opportunity’s children are/aren’t facing in life…how is it all of a sudden stimulating your child is a bad thing? and why are parents that do this classed as pushy or over stimulating their children? when clearly the children achieving into teen/adult life are the ones with the best opportunity’s and experiences in life! speaks volumes as it is..i wont go on anymore!

Recent thought’s on Emotional Abuse

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about life and my blog and what i initially set this up to do, which was to help me stop her (mother dearest) from emotionally abusing her children (me and my siblings) and I’m not sure whether I’ve become disheartened with fighting this cause, or if in actual fact I’ve just learnt so much about it now, that i realise no one can actually help stop this problem.. mainly because its such a widespread issue in our society, emotional abuse is more than just shouting at your children or partner, it’s the long-term effect of living with a person who has numerous unresolved issues of their own which causes them to be unable to cope with everyday things in life, such as mood swings, hormones and the ever-changing society we live in.

I really don’t believe we will ever get to the bottom of emotional abuse unless people stop having children willy nilly, and realise what’s actually wrong with them, through therapeutic services and TIME! and then deal with their issues that make them unable to cope with such things..

and so because of this im thinking of renaming my blog, not sure of what yet but it feels like the right thing to do in order to take my writing to the next step… not sure where that is yet but life has its ways i guess.

In one of my friend counselling convo’s i made a comment to one of my friends this week about how families behave like animals in some circumstances, and i referred to several types of animal behaviour; Monkeys whom expel the one from the group who shows himself to be different, the bullying this monkey endures before being chased out of the group and exiled,and the Lions who very rarely have more than one male per pride, which i don’t need to explain why as we’ve all seen the discovery channel! It’s these exact behaviours animals exhibit which remind me of what many of my friends have experienced with their own families, difference being; Parents not being able to cope with not ruling the roost or being the boss anymore and having to allow their child the space to exert their own personality and preferences in lifestyle, which often parents consciously don’t want to allow or accept has happened, they fail to see the need to say “MY HOUSE MY RULES! DON’T LIKE IT FUCK OFF!” or have the ability to help their child leave the nest successfully with the understanding that everyone needs their own space thus being it their time to fly…

how is it that as humans we still behave like animals when it comes to connecting the brain paths between behaviour and asserting our humanity in a productive way?

Why do families fail to see how their children’s behaviours are products of their home environments?

As children (im speaking for the teens/adults who still live at home here under this term too as in my eyes if you still live at home with your parents your still a child) why are they unable to get through reasonably to their parents and break down the effects their parenting is/has had on them/their life?

Sure for me the only possible explanation is again the “my house my rules” mentality the parent is holding as a brick wall to not hear the truths their child is so clearly showing them… and again why would you as a parent not want to better your child’s life and grow your knowledge of life?! …pickles me this topic does!

It’s this example the most which grates on my soul in emotional abuse, as the above example clearly is… this unknowingly destroying abuse which causes so many problems for so many in life, which should be categorized as Emotional Abuse but is overlooked because we all endure it.

It prevents us as people from moving on in life, and understanding humanity on the whole.. heaven knows it’s the reason so many people bury their heads in distractions not always as productive as work, and yet how do we as a society or even i as the individual get this through to people in a constructive way? ..my only outlet is here in my writing, and in hope that those i send here to read will get what im writing about and fully comprehend what im talking about and take active steps to ensure bad patterns stop?

My fight goes on

I Am Reflective Parent

I feel as if I’m finally regaining some of my motherhood back at long last! simply being able to conversate with my daughter is such an amazing thing now she’s old enough to talk back and understand! I religiously read through my copy of “The Science of parenting -by Margot Sunderland” whenever i feel a slight inclination or doubt about how to manage a tantrum or my own feelings on mothering techniques, and i always learn something new to implement, or some new revelation about my own behaviours and i nip them in the bud so not to pass them onto my daughter!

It’s what i see so very few parents doing in their daily life, and yet it’s so important to look within and back to understand the present and future, to help most importantly your child to thrive… it’s the reason so many of my friends are “lost” in career.. emotion…each difference always coming back to the need to look back to see forward, its like regardless of their own or their child’s age, its something we all forget to do! Some bury their heads in their career, some have substance addictions, and if you’ve read my “mental-health-issues-prevalent-in-london” article you’ll be all to familiar with the hows and whys i think on mental health reasons; under stimulated brains with nothing better to do! and well some people choose to just not think about it… which is sad and the reason we all have such issues in our families, i don’t expect life to be perfect, i do majority of the time wish it was, but i cant help to feel that in today’s society if you don’t root out your issues the social divide will continue to widen… and it is going to come down to super intelligent Vs. super fucked up!

Saddest thing is that the older generations get the grump (yes I’m speaking from experience with my nan) about how the kids of today (I’m one of them) don’t care about the older generations, their parents or grandparents, as much as history dictates we should.. were born to look after our elders eventually… When in today’s society, slowly we’re realising with all the good intentions of our elders actually they’ve done us more harm than good-by handing down all these historical family issues that were now having to fight back against! That exact mindset of having kids to care for us in our elder years is a classic example! Which is why were now seeing a decrease in child bearers over a certain peak age, why women are choosing careers and a life over children, and why the ones not dealing with their issues are those with higher numbers of teen pregnancy’s and all the side effects that come with such demographics! some of what i write about at times mid paragraph may seem totally hypocritical but remember I’m writing from my experience which is not that of a well off person or a poor person) but that of a person who is middle ground trying to break free into the well off side..and yes i know even that causes different issues!

It’s not hard to see the blatant divides between rich-poor, young-old, even between ethnicity’s… they all have impending factors on why we make certain choices in life, (…I’m trying to write without having to give examples and im hoping all my readers are with me in the thought process with this one! please tell me if I’ve lost you and ill come back and stick an example in here!)

So final thought before my word count goes through the roof as usual!

I understand why the government is trialling or trying to implement/predict whose children will be of the higher new world order race, it feels like common sense to me for this to happen…shit if i was in some form of power or control id frigging do the same thing to protect this world and the people who had strived and worked hard to be where they are/get where their going… in their search for whatever it is we lust for in life!

I’m proud to be trying to break free of my issues, I’m sure this is going to impact my predecessors hugely, and i at times feel as if some families are a good few generations ahead of mine in this game.. but i do love my reflective parenting strategy it works for me, and when speaking with people and sharing such thoughts it’s clearly helping them for the better too, which will never be a bad thing!

I’m glad I think reflective parent!