Letter to Mother Dearest

Writing to you I don’t even know how to address you, I wish I could address this to my mum but the person I thought raised me has proved herself to only be manipulative and thoughtless in all actions. I try to often put myself in your shoes but come up with the same answer consistently, as a mother myself I could never hold so much angst towards my child regardless of what she does to me, part of being a mother is being there unconditionally for your child regardless of anything, and to never stop questioning why, especially where your failings as a parent lie, any normal parent will carry burdens of failure immensely on one’s conscience and strive to compensate and rectify the fuck ups that have caused your child to behave in such ways, but you don’t do this… you’ve never had to face yourself  and re-evaluate anything in your life apart from your choice of man, I’ve never met anyone more afraid and closed off from life, and I don’t know what happened to the mother I used to idolize and love? Guess I just grew up and learnt that really there isn’t much to you, I know you care and have a loving spirit but everything you do and say is through the worst possible nurturing method I’ve ever known, the constant belittling and put downs that I’ve felt and heard come from you, have been so cutting and are the reason my self-esteem was so shattered, is the reason I ended up accepting any form of love/affections/attention from any person who presented themselves to me, you know I’ve never felt able to trust you and that is exactly why you know nothing about  me and who I really am, you only see the negative, you’ve never acknowledged or praised me for any of my positive achievements, if you took some time to see beyond your own nose you’d see the daughter you helped shape has grown up with 2 of the worst role models of parents possible and I strive everyday to be nothing like you or my father, I dread the day you try to have a claim to me being the success I’ve become because you are not worthy of that credit. Without your negativity however I wouldn’t have been able to acknowledge quickly and comprehend the bad generational traits that have been passed down through our family’s lineage, its disgusting that no one has been able to break at least 4 generations of fuck ups until now, the circumstance that has led to My daughter residing with you is part of this chain of generational shit that has been allowed to continue until now, you will never fathom what it is like to have your child displaced with another family member and be told your restricted to seeing your own child! How I behaved I thought was some kind of normal because you had treated me in a far more extreme sense, so it seems very hypocritical to be told by you that actually I’m not a good enough mother, but that’s just it with you, no one is good enough and everything evolves around you and your profession of how life is or should or really be, but in actual fact you’ve done nothing to achieve this dream of simplicity of yours to show me that actually you do have a point! And as a parent that is what you are here to do, to set a good example to your children, to teach them how to enjoy life, how to succeed to nurture them and make them feel safe and secure, as my mother you have never made me feel any of this. My daughter living with you has forced me to re evaluate everything you taught me, and to break all those disgusting patterns of behaviour that you continue to act out, I’m lucky that I’ve had influential people in my life to help me along the way, and amazing friends who have been my rock when all I could do was cry my eyes out day and night missing my daughter grow up, I will never get that back, and I’m not sure if I can ever forgive you for taking that away from me, instead of helping support and guide me as any parent would -you abandoned me. But you’d abandoned me emotionally from a very young age, why? I really don’t know…maybe you resent having me or something, I don’t have a clue, I just know that it’s unnatural to behave the way you do to me as your daughter. You need a reality check, re evaluating your life isn’t easy, and I’m glad I’ve been forced to do it now whilst I’m young enough to embrace the changes I needed to make, I know its going to be very hard for you to do, but you can teach an old dog new tricks, it just depends on if you want to change your life to be a better parent/grand-parent. Dad has also had this talk from me, at least I was able to speak to him face to face, and his only reasons for not changing lie with him not having done it sooner and now being left with a mental illness he inoculated to keep his mind busy. You do the same thing though, you bury your head in your kids so u don’t have to deal with your own life, I’m sure you feel at times very lost and alone, and fighting these fears is a true test of character of which you can’t run from forever.

As your child I will give you that reality check you need, you can hate me as much as you like, I just refuse to accept that my parents continue to let me down by letting themselves down, in running from embracing life and the amazing opportunity’s it brings. I feel so disappointed in you. You hurt me, and can’t do so anymore, you need to accept responsibility for a lot of things, and maybe after you do this we can begin to rebuild our mother daughter relationship. You need to acknowledge everything I do is for my daughter, she comes first, if I’ve hurt you with the truth in the process and you cannot handle that well you need to realise this is all part on the chain of dysfunctional dynamics that are now broken, most people cut loose their ties from unhealthy relationships, as a human I do not have to tolerate anything I don’t like, especially from my parents the people who I’m meant to idolize, unfortunately I cannot just give up hope on you, because also you will have to answer to all my siblings when they understand things as I have, I will also have to explain to them why I didn’t stop them suffering at the hands of their mother, as people in my life i.e. my father aunt and nana had to do with me. I can’t watch you abuse them the way you have abused me, and this is more so applicable to my daughter as I see patterns in her behaviour that mimicked those of mine when I was a child, classical emotional  disassociation your inability to provide her with the social confidence that I should be giving her.  I just want my daughter back, I want to raise her into the adult I know she can be, if you continue to raise her you will continue to damage her they way you have damaged all your children, especially me. You are not doing me a favour by looking after my daughter, you are continuing to ruin my life, you are continuing to be an unsupportive mother, and you are being entirely selfish.

Does it come down to your lack of a mother? You think that I am not a vital part of my daughters life because you ‘survived’ without consistent parents? Because actually that is really dysfunctional, would you want my sisters to grow up seeing their mother-you- once per week? How would you feel about that? I don’t think you would be able to cope with that would you? How do you think I have coped? Your proven track record in marital breakdown is evidence of how much you love your children. Every time you had a breakdown because my dad or your husband or any other man has left or split up with you, you neglected your children, if you can’t care for our emotional needs why have more children? And don’t try to justify how you do cater for our emotional needs because if you did you wouldn’t be alienating me from my daughter, my sisters, or any other member of our family. You are the reason we don’t see our cousins, not because they do anything immediately wrong to us or harm us or are of significant risk to us, you alienate us from the family or anyone you deem as unsuitable because normal people pose a threat to your inoculated world, you are afraid that if we have a taste of the real life and what you have failed to give us we will leave you and do as exactly as I have behaved towards you, resenting my mother for failing me. But there is a difference between me and you, I will never stop pushing for a better life for my daughter and I, I do not quit, and I do not spend my life chasing after men, I am very much unlike you, I will not have anymore children in fear of being like you, and I know I will have my hands full picking up the pieces of your messy parenting with my sisters! I will not stop telling you where you have/are going wrong, and I pride myself on the person I am, the person you do not know, the person my friends and aunt know love trust and respect. If this stability threatens your world I am not sorry, I am glad I can be a role model for those you have/are failing. Isn’t it a shame you don’t have such strength to believe in yourself and live the way you profess and wish to be.

I don’t know where we go from here, as your estranged daughter I don’t know if you even want to face up to what you are and have caused your own child –me. Are you even my mother? Because you haven’t felt like one to me for an awful long time.. Check yourself.


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