Daily Digestions

I told myself id respond to two government consultations tonight: Social Fund reform: debt, credit and low-income households and the Support for All: the Families and Relationships Green Paper, but I’m so brain-dead i literally have no space in my mind to delve into politics tonight! I’ve sorted through 40 tabs of internet pages and now have 3 left up there waiting to get down to one, i open up my emails daily and am inundated with things to comment on! That will teach me to be so opinionated i guess! I will do it in the next couple days… you can guarantee it will provoke some more blogging! 😀

Today i got a call from my grandfather (mother dearest’s father) he was projecting the hysteria mother dearest had undoubtedly filled him with, demanding to know why my daughter is now going up for adoption! I had to say it was all news to me, how my mother has turned potential foster care into adoption i have no idea! It really just reiterated to me how much my family really don’t know me, or never even really bothered to get to know me! some part of the human brain must be rather clever in self protecting from the vulnerability that would ensue should you even talk to your child and unearth that actually your are the reason they were a screwed up kid! ….So i put him straight on a few things and gave him a few home truths mostly on his prodigal daughter whom he then deemed a simple mother hen! My family really are something else!

The feedback I’ve been getting on here and twitter has been really moving and I’m really glad so many people are reading and responding to my posts on my life! It’s really adding to the motivation and is helping my self-esteem and my assurance is steadily growing stronger, I’m so determined now to keep networking and seeking out the break I’m so desperate for! One of my friends said to me the other day that instead of going tabloid first i should wait for case to close then go to This Morning and GMTV for the in sofa shows! Now that would really be something!!

I’m waiting on social services this week; to tell me they’ve sought their legal advise and to arrange the next meeting before court where they try to get me to agree to foster care for my daughter… FAT CHANCE! I wonder if they can see that once they get into court my solicitor is going to crumble their case against me, just with the fact that they have been aware of my family for 8 years and have only now really got involved! (im talking from a legal point of view) ooof the judge is going to have a field day picking apart as to why they haven’t already done the assessments I’ve been asking for, and only now just decided my daughter should have a psychological assessment! Coincidentally they decided that the day after they asked me what i though they should be doing/have done differently! Oh wait am i the social worker or are they?!

That is one thing i read somewhere across the net somewhere and thought oh my god spot on, it was written in 2009 and had said that psychological assessments of children known to social services should be a first step when dealing with any case where a child is involved, social workers aren’t psychologists and clearly their training isn’t thorough enough to identify depth’s of which they need to in order to spot abuse in modern society!

And on that note I’m off to bed, the ole wisdom tooth is giving me jip! X


At least we get to see eachother; I CRY…

I’m sick of feeling, especially these emotions that make my heart feel like I’m having open heart surgery with no anaesthetic, I want to throw up, I feel continually nauseous, i have sweats and everything I experience or see makes my brain tick…overtime.

Seeing children on the train crying, I want to shake the parents and tell them how lucky they are, i cant watch you’ve been framed or what ever its called now; funniest shoes on earth, seeing the kids bits makes me cry… i wont buy tinned pasta shapes the kids ones that used to cost 25p but are now 45p let alone walk down the cake aisle!It all just reminds me of my daughter

All the memories of my daughter, anything that reminds me of her or is representative of a child- i cry or in public get extremely choked.

Today my daughter hugged me and said “oh mummy its just not fair, I miss you all the time, I’m so sad; I just want you…*sighed* (hugged me tighter saying) at least we get to see each other…

I cried and she didn’t even notice, does that make me a good mum?

Off to court we go!

Today i had parents evening, today we had the child in need meeting, and today mother dearest received a letter i wrote last night, and today decided she will be relinquishing care of my daughter in the next 2 weeks, social services will be asking me in the next few days if i will agree for my daughter to go into temporary foster care whilst they assess my parenting, of which i will not agree! I want my daughter home with me and i am gonna fight for this! They of course are going to fight that they want my daughter in foster care until im proven to be sound, trouble is they forget that actually they should have been assessing from a long time ago whether i was suitable or not, and given that up until january i was having unsupervised overnight contact, social services are going to find it hard to prove im not a suitable carer in the short-term! The fight to prove my daughter is suffering from emotional abuse, parental alienation and attachment disorder is going to be a hard one considering social services aren’t trained to spot it in such complicated dynamics, it is going to be a real eye opener for the british public, i am going to try to get a journalist in to cover the case… if anyone knows of someone or anyone that wold be interested do get in contact!

I guess this is all where the end officially starts, like the NSPCC said i have to remain emotionless when outside my house and prove i don’t falter, hard when today i keep bursting into tears without a thought even popping into my head! never the less tomorrow after some sleep the fight will begin!

I have never been more ready

Letter to Mother Dearest

Writing to you I don’t even know how to address you, I wish I could address this to my mum but the person I thought raised me has proved herself to only be manipulative and thoughtless in all actions. I try to often put myself in your shoes but come up with the same answer consistently, as a mother myself I could never hold so much angst towards my child regardless of what she does to me, part of being a mother is being there unconditionally for your child regardless of anything, and to never stop questioning why, especially where your failings as a parent lie, any normal parent will carry burdens of failure immensely on one’s conscience and strive to compensate and rectify the fuck ups that have caused your child to behave in such ways, but you don’t do this… you’ve never had to face yourself  and re-evaluate anything in your life apart from your choice of man, I’ve never met anyone more afraid and closed off from life, and I don’t know what happened to the mother I used to idolize and love? Guess I just grew up and learnt that really there isn’t much to you, I know you care and have a loving spirit but everything you do and say is through the worst possible nurturing method I’ve ever known, the constant belittling and put downs that I’ve felt and heard come from you, have been so cutting and are the reason my self-esteem was so shattered, is the reason I ended up accepting any form of love/affections/attention from any person who presented themselves to me, you know I’ve never felt able to trust you and that is exactly why you know nothing about  me and who I really am, you only see the negative, you’ve never acknowledged or praised me for any of my positive achievements, if you took some time to see beyond your own nose you’d see the daughter you helped shape has grown up with 2 of the worst role models of parents possible and I strive everyday to be nothing like you or my father, I dread the day you try to have a claim to me being the success I’ve become because you are not worthy of that credit. Without your negativity however I wouldn’t have been able to acknowledge quickly and comprehend the bad generational traits that have been passed down through our family’s lineage, its disgusting that no one has been able to break at least 4 generations of fuck ups until now, the circumstance that has led to My daughter residing with you is part of this chain of generational shit that has been allowed to continue until now, you will never fathom what it is like to have your child displaced with another family member and be told your restricted to seeing your own child! How I behaved I thought was some kind of normal because you had treated me in a far more extreme sense, so it seems very hypocritical to be told by you that actually I’m not a good enough mother, but that’s just it with you, no one is good enough and everything evolves around you and your profession of how life is or should or really be, but in actual fact you’ve done nothing to achieve this dream of simplicity of yours to show me that actually you do have a point! And as a parent that is what you are here to do, to set a good example to your children, to teach them how to enjoy life, how to succeed to nurture them and make them feel safe and secure, as my mother you have never made me feel any of this. My daughter living with you has forced me to re evaluate everything you taught me, and to break all those disgusting patterns of behaviour that you continue to act out, I’m lucky that I’ve had influential people in my life to help me along the way, and amazing friends who have been my rock when all I could do was cry my eyes out day and night missing my daughter grow up, I will never get that back, and I’m not sure if I can ever forgive you for taking that away from me, instead of helping support and guide me as any parent would -you abandoned me. But you’d abandoned me emotionally from a very young age, why? I really don’t know…maybe you resent having me or something, I don’t have a clue, I just know that it’s unnatural to behave the way you do to me as your daughter. You need a reality check, re evaluating your life isn’t easy, and I’m glad I’ve been forced to do it now whilst I’m young enough to embrace the changes I needed to make, I know its going to be very hard for you to do, but you can teach an old dog new tricks, it just depends on if you want to change your life to be a better parent/grand-parent. Dad has also had this talk from me, at least I was able to speak to him face to face, and his only reasons for not changing lie with him not having done it sooner and now being left with a mental illness he inoculated to keep his mind busy. You do the same thing though, you bury your head in your kids so u don’t have to deal with your own life, I’m sure you feel at times very lost and alone, and fighting these fears is a true test of character of which you can’t run from forever.

As your child I will give you that reality check you need, you can hate me as much as you like, I just refuse to accept that my parents continue to let me down by letting themselves down, in running from embracing life and the amazing opportunity’s it brings. I feel so disappointed in you. You hurt me, and can’t do so anymore, you need to accept responsibility for a lot of things, and maybe after you do this we can begin to rebuild our mother daughter relationship. You need to acknowledge everything I do is for my daughter, she comes first, if I’ve hurt you with the truth in the process and you cannot handle that well you need to realise this is all part on the chain of dysfunctional dynamics that are now broken, most people cut loose their ties from unhealthy relationships, as a human I do not have to tolerate anything I don’t like, especially from my parents the people who I’m meant to idolize, unfortunately I cannot just give up hope on you, because also you will have to answer to all my siblings when they understand things as I have, I will also have to explain to them why I didn’t stop them suffering at the hands of their mother, as people in my life i.e. my father aunt and nana had to do with me. I can’t watch you abuse them the way you have abused me, and this is more so applicable to my daughter as I see patterns in her behaviour that mimicked those of mine when I was a child, classical emotional  disassociation your inability to provide her with the social confidence that I should be giving her.  I just want my daughter back, I want to raise her into the adult I know she can be, if you continue to raise her you will continue to damage her they way you have damaged all your children, especially me. You are not doing me a favour by looking after my daughter, you are continuing to ruin my life, you are continuing to be an unsupportive mother, and you are being entirely selfish.

Does it come down to your lack of a mother? You think that I am not a vital part of my daughters life because you ‘survived’ without consistent parents? Because actually that is really dysfunctional, would you want my sisters to grow up seeing their mother-you- once per week? How would you feel about that? I don’t think you would be able to cope with that would you? How do you think I have coped? Your proven track record in marital breakdown is evidence of how much you love your children. Every time you had a breakdown because my dad or your husband or any other man has left or split up with you, you neglected your children, if you can’t care for our emotional needs why have more children? And don’t try to justify how you do cater for our emotional needs because if you did you wouldn’t be alienating me from my daughter, my sisters, or any other member of our family. You are the reason we don’t see our cousins, not because they do anything immediately wrong to us or harm us or are of significant risk to us, you alienate us from the family or anyone you deem as unsuitable because normal people pose a threat to your inoculated world, you are afraid that if we have a taste of the real life and what you have failed to give us we will leave you and do as exactly as I have behaved towards you, resenting my mother for failing me. But there is a difference between me and you, I will never stop pushing for a better life for my daughter and I, I do not quit, and I do not spend my life chasing after men, I am very much unlike you, I will not have anymore children in fear of being like you, and I know I will have my hands full picking up the pieces of your messy parenting with my sisters! I will not stop telling you where you have/are going wrong, and I pride myself on the person I am, the person you do not know, the person my friends and aunt know love trust and respect. If this stability threatens your world I am not sorry, I am glad I can be a role model for those you have/are failing. Isn’t it a shame you don’t have such strength to believe in yourself and live the way you profess and wish to be.

I don’t know where we go from here, as your estranged daughter I don’t know if you even want to face up to what you are and have caused your own child –me. Are you even my mother? Because you haven’t felt like one to me for an awful long time.. Check yourself.


Mental Health- Me? Real Or Just Another Stereotype?

My first referral…NHS told me I had a personality disorder and was suffering from depression; aged 15

Then I had the private referral which mother dearest paid for; Confirmed ADHD

The difference between the two referrals; The NHS assessment took 1 hour of talking to me whilst I was stoned and in a bad  mood because mother dearest had pissed me off by a doctor who couldn’t have been older than 28 and spoke quite broken English, and seemed herself to be pissed off with doing her job! The private assessment was a little better, id filled out a questionnaire  before hand, and was left in a room for about 30 minutes to hit a laptop key when I saw specific colours or something id been told to do, of which I didn’t take seriously and thought hmm let me see if I can  hack this computer and proceeded to use my computer knowledge to have a look around this laptops mainframe, which meant the end results of the program I was meant to complete were conclusive of those of a person with ADHD, it didn’t highlight my intrigue with BIOS! Mother Dearest and I spoke to the doctor for an hour of which the doctor confirmed I did have ADHD.

I cant help but think both assessments were equally floored, the overworked under trained NHS vs. the private easy to influence overpaid eager to get me into private treatment for more money, and I wonder whether mother dearest specifically took me to this ADHD doctor because her narcissistic Munchausen self wanted the diagnosis more to ease her own conscience and deflect any responsibility from her bad parenting!

Then of my own accord trying to get myself sectioned around the ages of 16/17 by walking into A&E and sitting for 4 hours to ramble on to a doctor about how dangerous I was to the public and myself only to be sent back to mother dearest or my B&B with some Diazepam! Even after being arrested once for carrying an offensive weapon (the night I went to try to do my daughters father then my BF in with my mini baseball bat and a solid metal scraper id found, mother had called the police and said we were both going to kill each other and they found be cycling my BMX down the road like nothing had happened!) the police put me in the back of the car and after talking to me and deciding it was a busy Friday night and the only available police station was miles out they would take me to the mental health unit instead to be assessed, I saw an African nurse who spoke to me..By now it was 2am (id been arrested at 10 pm!) I was calm again; rage over and she sent let me go knowing I was going back to my then BF after we’d both tried to do each other in! I was still a kid; I had no monies and walked about 3 miles to get back to his house for 6am, conveniently stealing the milk bread and orange juice off the doorsteps of the local’s en-route to keep me going!

When I then found out I was pregnant and had decided to go ahead with having my daughter, I actively walked into social services begging for their help so that I wouldn’t continue the patterns of behaviour from my mother and have problems with post natal depression, numerous times only to be sent away as being attention seeking or hysterical as my mother had labelled me, No one listened aside from my GP, my support worker the council had given me and my midwife, and all their hand were tied in the system of red tape as if we pushed too much with my ‘mental health’ problems I could risk having my child taken into care! So we all hoped and worked towards almost ignoring what was going on behind the scenes as there were inadequate services to help me.

I eventually needed CBT therapy 6-12 months after having my daughter, and was in and out of that, but the actual issue I was in there for never was addressed: My mother, she was the root cause of my problems and as long as I continued to see her and require her mothering I would be forever doomed to never break the cycle. Instead of the mental heath service helping me to break free or telling me, your mother is the problem do not see her or your child will be taken from you, they left me being still a child vulnerable to my own mother.

Seeing my father sectioned before my 18th birthday whilst I was pregnant further opened my eyes, cannabis induced schizophrenic who checked himself out of the unit, and after 2 weeks of being back home with his mother stopped taking his medication keeping him sane, and now he’s left roaming with his same paranoid thoughts and talks, not in therapy not in work with the job centre still sending him for work interviews! As his family were now forced with putting him back in a section where he can’t leave until treatment is completed (this leaves him vulnerable to shock treatment and any other method they want to trial on him) or spending his inheritance on his private treatment, as my Nan he lives with is herself dying from brain disease caused by smoking and is now needing pretty much constant supervision, its his care or hers the inheritance will end up being spent on, she doesn’t know she is dying… and yet her doctor who knows my fathers previous history told my father of her diagnosis instead me or any of his other siblings, my father shouldered the diagnosis for a while before breaking down and telling mother dearest who then told me which meant I had to tell my uncles their mother is dying as my father couldn’t tell them! And still no help or support from any mental health or social service, because we know they will zap my Nan’s fortune she worked hard for to leave to her descendants instead of having it snatched by the state that has never helped her!

I look at those last left native tribes who believe people with ‘mental health’ issues are in fact highly psychic and in tune with some higher force, and instead of casting out these people they nurture and embrace their uniqueness turning the ‘mental’ ones into mystics or such status, I cant help but feel they’ve got it right in their methods of treating and supporting those left vulnerable in their tribes. Reading through an article online I found this:

“Often, these problematic behavioural and substance abuse disorders are directly related to the tribal client’s personal history, which was influenced by their parenting and thus, indirectly by the experiences of their parents and grandparents.  In many historical situations (some recent), tribal individuals, their parents, and their grandparents have been adversely impacted by various traumatic experiences.

Historical impacts to tribal families, in combination with a culture of poverty, lead to situations within which parents, grandparents or other caregivers were not able to provide adequate care.”

I then went on to read:

“Thus, each successive generation of tribal parents has experienced their own adverse impacts, roughly in the following order: 1.) The introduction of disease into the system, for which there was no immunity; 2.) Dispossession of property and enforced moving to reserved lands (i.e., typically of marginal value); 3.) Persecution and murder during the various “Indian Wars”; 4.) Enforced assimilation and acculturation through the general allotment act and the federal boarding school system; 5.) Oppression of and outlawing of religion, cultural, and language (i.e., which is the carrier of culture); 6.) Introduction to vices, such as alcohol and drugs; 7.) Inappropriate and inefficient management of governmental and health care systems by dominant culture bureaucrats; 8.) The acting out of internalized oppression through domestic violence and child sexual abuse on other tribal peoples, both within and outside the nuclear family by native people.”

Found here: http://www.bhconference.com/…/Learning%20Objectives%20Final%207%2022%2009.pdf

I was left thinking and feeling as if we all still have historical tribal issues in an inner London modern mindset, and am now pickled as to how science fits in with traditional native beliefs in regards to mental health? I’m sure science just disregards these beliefs. We all have issues which un-addressed or ignored will lead us to a more severe coping strategy our brains are forced to concoct… is it right to call these mental illnesses? And does this stop us from helping those with actual real neurological disorders caused by alcohol drugs and birth defects? If our NHS system is inundated with forced coping mental illnesses that aren’t being helped or resolved by lack of funding and inadequately trained or experienced psychologists how on earth are they helping the people with real mental health disorders? Why is medication being used as a quick fix when that expense it costs the NHS could go to decent therapists, I forget this world is all about money and exploitation.

I’m afraid my life is a classic example of this systems failures and my struggle to break free of the chains so many are happy to just accept, we are all a way for a reason, they day we stop striving for a better mind and a better life we may as well be just euthanized before we spread our unresolved issues onto our children to burden the break!

Housing… NO; Social Housing- I am a council tenant.

Born into a council bed and breakfast held together by mother dearest aged 19, and the father aged 22? (yea ok i forget how old my parents are..can you blame me?) 1 temporary accommodation later and a sibling later (the brother) and were wound up in a racist cul-de-sac in west London, eventually moved on into that detached mouldy condemned house i spent most of my remembered childhood-teen-hood in, riddled with eczema and plagued by asthma and chest infections that came every 2 weeks, nothing much in that house has changed, my daughter & sisters are consistently ill, the house is still “damp” and the council still do botch job repairs because of an inadequate budget… even after they were meant to strip back the 2 layers of rotten plasterboard and treat the brickwork and re-roof, 1 new kitchen & bathroom later, the mould is still rife, that fight of mother dearest’s rages on, i just don’t understand why she hasn’t handed them they keys and taken a private rented accommodation like the rest of the immigrants are doing? Guess she loves her detached privacy that allows mother dearest the freedom to curse shout no actually scream her bad breath in close proximity’s of ones nose… enough to cause one to think “one day i will smack this woman who is my mother and knock her teeth out so her breath doesn’t smell this bad anymore!” which she manages so calmly to do whilst blasting Carmen Burana’s -O Fortuna and not burning the 8am fry up catering for ahh minimum 4 persons.

So now I’m cooped up in my lovely council flat, pre ordained to the benefit trap of social living and housing, and thanking that same lovely council that screwed up my health and childhood for allowing me to live in a damp free flat! That has only had one family live in it before me… i moved in and found ÂŁ5 in the secret kitchen cupboard! SCORE!!

I’ve sat and written the complaint letters to the council, their complaints department, the local MP, and eventually the local ombudsman…who had to give an arm and a leg to get environmental health to come a survey against their own council! in the end the Legal Aid paid for a private survey to get the court case the only one i saw mother attend one court case which settlement was pre arranged and non negotiable, and as her solicitor put it you should be lucky they offered you that amount; you should accept it, you can’t fight the council in their own courts! was ÂŁ12,000 an acceptable amount of compensation for 3 disrupted childhoods riddled with physical and mental health issues, and their mother who well…tried but doesn’t really see that she is in fact the biggest problem? Maybe i should sue my mother for making me live in that house…wouldn’t that be something! But by far the best thing after she split that compensation 4 ways giving my and my 2 siblings 2g each in a frozen trust fund, that my brother squandered on his moped aged 16, my sisters which sits growing interest and mine that i spent about ÂŁ600 out of on expenses for my daughter after she was born…the rest is now in her name growing interest, as far as I’m aware… i wouldn’t be surprised if the psycho mother of mine had in fact spent it on her useless husband or god knows what else!?

I’ve heard it all, i don’t even know where to start with housing facts and detailing the red tape in this system, its worse than child protection and ties in to everything we are/have/do in life… who would have thought the roof over our head could keep up so caged in this system designed to screw me up the arse and keep me living below the bread line. 18th century government running a 21st century Britain!

I heard from a front line council worker that they have a new appointments system being rolled out in our council, through PDA style device which the head of IT couldn’t give a shit about whether it worked or not, and its seeing the workmen being sent out to property’s whose repairs have already been completed a week before, my mother is one of those baffled residents wondering why she isn’t receiving appointment letters and 4 workmen in 1 week to do the same job! This PDA system pays its staff by some kind of hour system, which makes sure through the jobs they are given they can’t top 40 hours to get the pay then need to survive which they got on the old pen and paper system that saw them earning 60 hours to survive, the workman went on to tell me how he will never get promoted into senior management as they employ their sons, best friends and neighbours dogs before the dedicated staff that do their dirty work, get a promotion or the chance to work on the higher paying jobs even though they are less hours! Whether this is done on purposely to cut costs in the short-term, or whether it is a genuine council cock-up with a new IT system, either way it is screwing the front-line staff who maintain the council homes we live in!  You can be sure that management and all their buddies get paid on time with overtime for the extra hours they have to put in to cover up this mess they have created by allowing this PDA system to take over good old pen and paper. My heart went out to this workman, he has his own issues to deal with bills to pay, and in this current economic crisis he has no option but to stay on being screwed by the council as the private sector jobs are few and far between and further more inconsistent.

I like to think i have an open mind good fair head on my shoulders, and that what i write is believable to those who read this blog, i know if i had read the majority of the posts in this blog id be a bit taken aback, but id totally understand; different life- different reasons- same outcomes- same system.

But i do love my council flat, if i lived through 19 years of hell and am enduring another 5 years before i get my break i will love these social walls i live in! I will continue to write, it drains me thinking and trying to get it out to you… even if sometimes it does feel wholly natural when it comes out! I don’t re-read, i run spell check and press publish… all from my four council flat walls! I really do hope it helps to read. X

rant rant…RANT! in an update…

This post was supposed to be about housing issues, but is now being hijacked by my ranting about the thoughtlessness of people, specifically my financial onslaught! I’ve just got back from being seen over an hour late in the Citizens Advise Bureau, by the most unhelpful woman who herself is going through a bankruptcy so should understand that her recommendation’s that i should call every creditor i owe monies to, to confirm a freeze on the account, exact amounts owed and account number/owner details is beyond my capability, as I’m living off now ÂŁ5 a week for food expenses! D have no monies to pay for a phone bill I’d run up and would further add to my debts! Oh and I have to rack up a nice ÂŁ90 to actually wipe my debts out of thin air! ………….I was sitting there thinking; are you a moron? are you dumb? you can see i have no money, how are you thinking i could possibly do this? I’m here for help and YOUR NOT HELPING! She didn’t even offer to let me use their phone in the CAB! Oh and I still have to pay for all the stamps to send these letters out to all these creditors to freeze my accounts and let them know I am seeking a debt relief order/bankruptcy…depending on how fast their charges go up whilst i get this all sorted out!

All those dinners in Strada, Zizzi and clothes that now don’t fit from H&M were really not worth all this stress over the years!

But what the hell is wrong with people and their inability to think? i mean before you open your mouth and tell me about the wonderful dinner you just ate, think about how I’ve been living off potatoes with butter and cheese, pasta with cheese and packet noodles with stock cubes and council juice (yes that’s un-purified tap water!) My belly is grumbling right now, and my mouth is craving some vegetables in gravy with chicken….

i wonder if mother dearest even wonders what I’m going through the selfish narcissistic cow! Her and her “oh i need 2 weeks to contemplate whether I want to mediate with my daughter about my grand-daughters needs!” The woman is up to something i can feel it in my bones! We have the long overdue Child In Need Meeting coming up next week with all the professionals involved in our case… i wonder if mother dearest will be using this to stir a reaction out of me in regards to court? I’m sure the meeting will come back to her and her selfish needs once again instead of my daughters! Lord help me I’m going to have to keep so much composure whilst hitting them with how productive I’ve been of late in sorting my finances, volunteering in my daughters school (once the CRB comes back!) my campaigns with the NSPCC, and other life changing possible career moves, that really can’t go ahead until my daughter is home with me! Here i am justifying my life away when in actual fact she should be the one justifying how she isn’t abusing her grand-child/ children… i will  have to make that a point in the meeting *jots a note into book for that meeting*

Oh and the school trip was a huge success and gave me so much insight into my daughters and my sisters school life, their personality’s and the intrigue from the other children as to why my daughter lives with her nanny and not me (of which i was quizzed by a 4 yr old whose mother promptly distracted her off with a compassionate look at me!) my sisters expression of how unfair it was that she was unable to come with my daughter to my house for visits/trips is clearly affecting their relationship, and will soon start proving to be a problem for mother dearest if she doesn’t sort her stinky attitude out!

I’m fed up with reading in the media how all of a sudden Government has pledge 200M for social services over 2010/2011, how much of that actually will make a difference in my case where the case social worker now has her trainee social worker sending confidential mail meant for me but addressed to my father at my address?! One blunder follows the next… and I’m still waiting for my written apology/explanation as to why they ever listened to my mother and overrode the court order that was made against my daughters father in relation to his domestic abuse to us both! Oh my social services have so much to answer for, yet the way they are going about things i will be hanging them slowly by their own incompetent rope!

Ok rant over… i feel better now, suppose i should start finding ways around these call costs to get my insolvency sorted out asap.. off i go! X

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