Family Visits; How often is normal?

I’ve been having many discussions with my fellows on family visits, how often these meets happen and the dynamics that differ between families and their own historical patterns…

I look at my own; I hardly see my family and what and who is left of it, I’m trying to build bridges with my father and his mother (my gran) without becoming too involved or affected by their problems.. This is really hard! But even then that happens seldom 1-2 times a month, despite the incessant phone calls from my gran and her pleas for me to attend Sunday dinners…

I don’t have any family time with mother dearest, or any of my siblings

And my cousins on the MD side were all exiled from my life after my great Nan died and I’ve lost contact with them. I’m not sure if I’m ready for contact with them yet whilst things are so raw in the MD case!

My only real lasting relationship is my aunt whom I speak to regularly and we see each other when distance and work allows… my friends are my family.

My family rendezvous are all but non-existent and I do wonder if this has impacted on my ability to care for older people? The thought of looking after my parents in their old age doesn’t enter my head as it’s simply never an option! I couldn’t tell you exactly why either, as even if I think about other family members I used to have strong bonds with I again wouldn’t be able to facilitate their old age care needs.. And I sometimes feel bad that I think this way! I can’t even say that having shit parents is 100% the reason because it’s not! I can deal with one-off sickness periods and facilitate that care, but long-term illness demise definitely not.

The only thing I can relate to is thinking of my impending old age; as if my genetics is anything to go on the doom of having cancerous brain tumours or strokes, and the thought of my daughter facilitating my care turns my stomach!

Not because I don’t think she’s capable, I just don’t want her to sacrifice a period of her life wiping my ass or reassuring me that I’m not going senile! ..Being frustrated with my demise, and stressing about saving her inheritance or spending it on a carer for me! (Jumping the gun I know to think id be leaving her such a fortune!)

But straight up that is what it comes down to, I feel it is my job as her mother to give her the best…and seeing your mother in a bad state isn’t what id want her to go through, or feelings of guilt that she isn’t doing the ass wiping!

But I look at my friends, and listen to their stories of their families, and their ability and willingness to care for their parents in their old age and it does concern me… I’m not sure if a person can sacrifice a part of their life and not feel resentful even if it’s not ever expressed!! I see people still living at home with their parents and the unhealthy habits they pick up, which aren’t compensated for by the parental security and love they receive, and I often get very annoyed by their loyalty to parents who are effectively screwing them up slowly, and the blindness to see what’s going on! Especially when family rendezvous become a priority over meaningful relationships, and means letting down those people who need you! I’m talking weekly schedules with family over having your own life outside of the parental home! How much is right?

It’s really strange because I can’t say that this pattern emerges across religions or nationalities specifically, as in London the mould is very broken, and people are trying to hold onto what traditions they have left, and old people are a dying breed of knowledge and unity… Who often don’t feel that city life is able to provide that environment? But the pro’s vs. Con’s of city living is able to provide the security so many young people need and often don’t get from their parents who either are too busy working or are wrought with social issues!

Its evidence is clear in gangs and social circles that are clearly forming in schools workplaces and even neighbourhoods! Your modern-day gang isn’t just your hoodies, drug dealers, alcoholics or drug addicts… It’s now your single mothers, middle-aged mums whose partners work 24/7 with no one else to turn to but fellow mums! Fathers who are involved and excluded from parenting, the locals in the pub, and the childminders in the parks and toddler groups! Even the dog walkers! All vital necessities in keeping modern life going… Whereas before in the old days, you would have had your grandparents, mother in law, cousins, nieces and nephews to rely and call upon in times of need!

Societies traditional boundaries are now broken, it’s harder than ever to maintain healthy relationships whilst juggling what little time you have outside of work, and there is no one to tell you what is right! But there are many who will tell you what is wrong, the difference is how you use this as constructive criticism to maintain what is right for you… and use those as reality checks, because no one wants to be old and out of touch.

I’m still unsure of how much is right or wrong and if this change is a good thing or not, and I commend those who are able to provide that care for their family members, and the professionals who run the care homes and outreach care services.. I fear they will also be a dying breed if mindsets like mine become commonplace in future society, because who then will have the guts to care for the elderly in the care homes!? Who knows perhaps by then they’ll have legalized euthanasia? But that’s a whole different subject!!

It would be great to hear what you think on this…Feel free to comment or email me directly on


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