Implications On Romance

The ongoing struggle of realising everything you were taught, how to behave and react to life’s situations is tough enough, let alone breaking the patterns of bad behaviour! This has never been more so in my relationships, such a thoroughly scrutinised topic by social services- my life is my daughter’s life and everyone has to have a say;

is he putting my daughter at risk or further abuse? are you putting his needs before your child’s? can he cope with the whole saga? does he work? what is his family life like? …what colour underwear do you wear when you go to bed? do you use condoms? are there any more totally unacceptable questions they could ask?!

After conquering domestic violence with my daughters father, you’d think social services would be off my back just a little bit and give me some credit! But noooo, and the bf who followed was 16 and had a psycho mother, which clearly would have burned out any hope we had of having a healthy relationship had social services not been involved with my daughter no thanks to his mother and her allegations!

Now im so put off ever having a boyfriend in fear that he wont withstand the social service scrutiny! I’m going to be 23 soon…not 33! and social services forget that im actually doing a good job of juggling part-time motherhood with doing things a normal person my age does and overcoming the damage lifelong systematic emotional abuse, ok so i haven’t had the most normal upbringing but i think ive fair’d up pretty well considering how mother dearest turned out! I’m not an alcoholic and im not drug dependant and im making progress everyday breaking the historic cycle of dysfunctions and abuse!

Loads of factors have to be taken into account in order to make sure the changes motherhood and having a step father in my daughter’s life brings, and making sure it works for all of us! When Mr right presents himself duly! LOL Because with so much in the pipeline ie. career’s, commitments, routine changes, expenditure! He’s going to have to be a tough cookie, someone to comfort me on the long road of rehabilitation of my mind and behaviours.. probably the biggest reassurance will be being able to trust someone wholly and allowing myself to accept and give love from/to someone other than my best friend! Having my daughter adjust to a positive male role model in her life, and us being able to help her adjust/deal to/with those changes and step dad stigma’s it brings! Her needs are always the forefront of my worries.. i often ask myself whether any man would understand, put up and also put my daughters needs at his forefront? and without feeling jealous and resentful?!

All these questions and doubts does impact on how i choose men to date, and my perceptions on whether i should just use them for sex, if any of them are worth the hassle? If any of them can actually meet my ready meal family’s needs? I’m a strong believer of taking things slowly in a relationship, especially where people in my generation have so many historic issues that are now presenting themselves to be dealt with, and i certainly don’t want to rush into anything, but i do want to enjoy being romanced at the same time! And i do have a right to experience the up’s and downs of excitement that relationships bring!

I guess the key is to stay light-hearted and realistic about where it is going/will end up, and to not get too emotional about the whole thing when or if it goes wrong! (I know it’s easier to preach than to live by my own words!) But i will do it, for my daughter’s sake!! Because if i can’t set her a good example of how a good working relationship could be who else is going to fill her mothers shoes as well as i could?! My daughter deserves a step dad who can give her the guidance and support her father can’t give from a jail cell or a crack pipe! It’s a long road I’m walking and i don’t have deluded expectations of my dream man.. guess its one step at a time, and time will tell…..

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