Stripped Of Your Motherhood

It’s those things that you really feel, that no one else can even comprehend what you’re going through; that hurt the most,

Not doing the school runs; some parents would love to lie in! I would love to go to school and do the playground politics and be on the PTA… But I’m stripped of that!

Running baths, making breakfast, being there to answer her questions… debate birthdays, meet fellow mums for coffee, go food shopping and buy kiddies yoghurts, babybel, clothes on sale in gap.. Matching outfits from H&M… late night trips to the corner shop for a bar of chocolate…

The smells and sounds of brushing her hair after a fresh bath and watching her curls spring back up…

Feeling proud that she has learnt her new letters and words sent home from school in homework packs…  that I help her learn!

Watching her form healthy social circles, and lasting friendships locally which mean she is safe to go to the park afterschool when she becomes a teenager.

Taking her to swimming classes…and watching her swim in the waves at the beach on holiday.

Being able to go to bed happy, being able to sleep without wondering… knowing my baby I gave birth to is safe.

But I go to bed understanding why my grandmother (mother dearest’s mum) killed herself, and in the back of my hopeful positive mind is the thought that perhaps tonight I may never wake up to live another day fighting this dreadful world to be a decent mother for my daughter again.. That perhaps everything I’m fighting for is for a lost cause, and that it is my path to just give up live everyone else has?

Id lost everything that made me a mother, id lost my baby; my daughter, I still have the stretch marks to prove I had her, riddled across my stomach and boobs… id even contemplated hiding my shameful family history and fabricating a new version of my old life in a bunch of lies that I used to be fat and had lost the weight and that would be why I had stretch marks! But my conscience would consume me if I denied my daughter who made me who I am today, id be better off dead than in denial!  And that is exactly why I continue to fight for justice, fight for my daughter, and am fighting to change social policies so that no person has to feel like this ever! Everything that I’ve been forced to feel is barbaric, especially to my mind! And I can’t help but think that should I have been brought up in a different society or with different parents I wouldn’t have had to ever feel this way!

What the hell is making parents so selfish and unable to care for their Child’s needs?

Am I naive to think that this hasn’t always been an issue? Surely even when parents had children way back when it was out of love, and not need for offspring to help provide or to be a carer when needed in your old age? Why the hell are people having children when their own emotional needs aren’t even catered for by themselves… is it their parents fault? Societies? But more importantly WHY isn’t this huge error in society being addressed or at least helped?! It doesn’t take a genius to work out that half the people in this country are depressed and feel unloved… Yet the only help they (and sometimes we!) get are antidepressant’s and a nice waiting list for some counselling or therapy with a psychologist who doesn’t even prep for the “cognitive” sessions, as the mental patients upstairs who have totally lost their minds require more of his brain space!

Does anyone wonder what its like to be stripped of your motherhood? Everything you as parents take for granted taken away?And if you haven’t got kids imagine you just found out your boyfriend cheated on you and lied everyday to you times that painful feeling by a million and you may just begin to understand how it feels to be stripped of your motherhood! Its something i wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, but something that un-recordable amounts of mother’s here in the UK experience every day.

Where social workers burst into maternity wards to take babies hours old away from their mothers, instead of trying to help support these mums and rehabilitate them back into a normal lifestyles! We wouldn’t deny a baby milk to feed it, so why do social services think its ok to neurologically scar an infant from birth by taking them away from their mother, deny them breast milk to nourish their growth? where it’s scientifically proven that dissociation can severely damage a babies mental and physical development! If social services can leave children living with their alcoholic drug abusing parents, babies who are born in withdrawal, how are they able to condone taking a child from its mother for anything else? I understand each case is different, and everyone has their own issues, but with adequate therapy, parenting guidance (from professionals who themselves are parents!) and support from social services and your gp there is no reason why a person shouldn’t want to better their lives for the sake of their child! and there is no reason that should deny any person this help!!

Were all human, but why does it feel like no one really cares?

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Family Visits; How often is normal?

I’ve been having many discussions with my fellows on family visits, how often these meets happen and the dynamics that differ between families and their own historical patterns…

I look at my own; I hardly see my family and what and who is left of it, I’m trying to build bridges with my father and his mother (my gran) without becoming too involved or affected by their problems.. This is really hard! But even then that happens seldom 1-2 times a month, despite the incessant phone calls from my gran and her pleas for me to attend Sunday dinners…

I don’t have any family time with mother dearest, or any of my siblings

And my cousins on the MD side were all exiled from my life after my great Nan died and I’ve lost contact with them. I’m not sure if I’m ready for contact with them yet whilst things are so raw in the MD case!

My only real lasting relationship is my aunt whom I speak to regularly and we see each other when distance and work allows… my friends are my family.

My family rendezvous are all but non-existent and I do wonder if this has impacted on my ability to care for older people? The thought of looking after my parents in their old age doesn’t enter my head as it’s simply never an option! I couldn’t tell you exactly why either, as even if I think about other family members I used to have strong bonds with I again wouldn’t be able to facilitate their old age care needs.. And I sometimes feel bad that I think this way! I can’t even say that having shit parents is 100% the reason because it’s not! I can deal with one-off sickness periods and facilitate that care, but long-term illness demise definitely not.

The only thing I can relate to is thinking of my impending old age; as if my genetics is anything to go on the doom of having cancerous brain tumours or strokes, and the thought of my daughter facilitating my care turns my stomach!

Not because I don’t think she’s capable, I just don’t want her to sacrifice a period of her life wiping my ass or reassuring me that I’m not going senile! ..Being frustrated with my demise, and stressing about saving her inheritance or spending it on a carer for me! (Jumping the gun I know to think id be leaving her such a fortune!)

But straight up that is what it comes down to, I feel it is my job as her mother to give her the best…and seeing your mother in a bad state isn’t what id want her to go through, or feelings of guilt that she isn’t doing the ass wiping!

But I look at my friends, and listen to their stories of their families, and their ability and willingness to care for their parents in their old age and it does concern me… I’m not sure if a person can sacrifice a part of their life and not feel resentful even if it’s not ever expressed!! I see people still living at home with their parents and the unhealthy habits they pick up, which aren’t compensated for by the parental security and love they receive, and I often get very annoyed by their loyalty to parents who are effectively screwing them up slowly, and the blindness to see what’s going on! Especially when family rendezvous become a priority over meaningful relationships, and means letting down those people who need you! I’m talking weekly schedules with family over having your own life outside of the parental home! How much is right?

It’s really strange because I can’t say that this pattern emerges across religions or nationalities specifically, as in London the mould is very broken, and people are trying to hold onto what traditions they have left, and old people are a dying breed of knowledge and unity… Who often don’t feel that city life is able to provide that environment? But the pro’s vs. Con’s of city living is able to provide the security so many young people need and often don’t get from their parents who either are too busy working or are wrought with social issues!

Its evidence is clear in gangs and social circles that are clearly forming in schools workplaces and even neighbourhoods! Your modern-day gang isn’t just your hoodies, drug dealers, alcoholics or drug addicts… It’s now your single mothers, middle-aged mums whose partners work 24/7 with no one else to turn to but fellow mums! Fathers who are involved and excluded from parenting, the locals in the pub, and the childminders in the parks and toddler groups! Even the dog walkers! All vital necessities in keeping modern life going… Whereas before in the old days, you would have had your grandparents, mother in law, cousins, nieces and nephews to rely and call upon in times of need!

Societies traditional boundaries are now broken, it’s harder than ever to maintain healthy relationships whilst juggling what little time you have outside of work, and there is no one to tell you what is right! But there are many who will tell you what is wrong, the difference is how you use this as constructive criticism to maintain what is right for you… and use those as reality checks, because no one wants to be old and out of touch.

I’m still unsure of how much is right or wrong and if this change is a good thing or not, and I commend those who are able to provide that care for their family members, and the professionals who run the care homes and outreach care services.. I fear they will also be a dying breed if mindsets like mine become commonplace in future society, because who then will have the guts to care for the elderly in the care homes!? Who knows perhaps by then they’ll have legalized euthanasia? But that’s a whole different subject!!

It would be great to hear what you think on this…Feel free to comment or email me directly on helpmestopher@live.co.uk

New Age Traditions..WAKE UP!

Taking a trip down memory lane with the family threw up some interesting debates, and did make me gain some perspective on values in community’s that are being lost in our fast city life!
Fast city life vs. countryside/village life; where I have hardly any time for family and their historic problems, where I’m too busy with my own life and friends to address matters that are historic! And still effect me…every time i swing by for Sunday roast with the gran, or the “chaperone” to the family’s, in a lineage where every member has died from cancer… traditional village life where they all knew each others business and had the politics to go with it! Is it any different to what I’m experiencing in my own life now? Possibly the only thing that is lacking is the community care spirit! Could this be what the NHS tried to replicate… with their “care in the community approach” in inner city living? Where really there is no community spirit let alone care?! is what the “sick” generation of today really needs is just that stripped necessity of community living that were all now striving to get back to?! Had enough of the rat race? Want back to the sticks? Where you don’t have to hit up a Sainsbury’s taste the difference range to get a decent tomato!? From once where we all knew the green grocer who could tell us what was new this season and how to cook it! does Jamie Oliver Gordon Ramsey and Marco Pierre white really have to show us in TV programs and 1000 page recipe books how to cook a once taken for granted daily meal of pie and mash?!
generational traditions have been lost through the most unfortunate of circumstances, tragic road accidents, death in childbirth, lack of basic awareness?! Inbreeding?! Inability to process and find a solution to your dads drinking habit that his father passed on to him… how to stop your mothers OCD that may actually let you learn as her only child how to cook for your own?! What we inner city folk now strive for is being ripped from the countryside as we speak by our own corporate mindsets! Will we be able to reclaim our history and set in stone for our children a better future? Where they don’t have to experience racism, sexual discrimination, or any form of abuse! Where they can focus on enriching the soul and replenishing the lands that will enable this planet to survive!
Age differences in this mind-set are a big key to unlocking the answers! What would we do in a world without old stories of factory workings? Those traditional perspectives we so desperately need to keep alive our dreams for our children? No one can tell me they want to live in a world where their child is raised off chemically produced food, will never see an animal, smell freshly cut grass or the rain falling, and have no left/right side brain stimuli as every manual job is now being done by a machine! All we are left to do is indulge and destroy ourselves inevitably!? THIS IS NOT WHAT OUR FAMILY’S ENDURED YEARS OF ABUSE FOR!
Oap conversations about the old days, their family’s, village life, patterns of behaviour in old people who mimic those of a child… the onset of death?
How can a race so intelligent forget that brains need constant feeds of new information to remain healthy! just because you left school with a qualification or are in such a high pressured job or are over the age limit of receiving scrutinised education, it does not mean you should starve your brain of what it vitally needs to stay healthy, in order to process life for reasoning and understanding! We don’t need computers to study weather systems; because we all at some point in our genetics came from an aboriginal who knew where when and how to find rain that knowledge is inside us!
We have brains that are left rotting stagnant pondering our next intoxication, to further blind us from a reality that only we can fix! do you want to hand your child a life with a death certificate attached in an envelope that reads “open if you fail?” and reads; go buy yourself a gun and shoot yourself in the head but make sure you sign here first to ensure your children get this knowledge!?
You only have to travel to see how were destroying our family’s and how that in turn is destroying the essence of our world! And it is so easily reversed; it’s just such a travesty that not enough people in society care!

You selfish fucks I refuse to be like you!

Things Normal Parents Think?

So all these dealings with mother dearest, social services, my friends and i start thinking what exactly is going wrong in mothers thought process’ that she’s failing to think like the rest of us parents?!

I mean any normal parent would blame themselves for their children’s wrong doings, and internalize where they had gone wrong? question their own upbringing..and talk with their friends on the hows whats if’s and buts!
Very few children are actually really mentally ill, or suffering behaviour problems through a neurological illness, although some doctors may argue that abuse does lead to neurological problems..and in todays society were abusing our kids without even knowing it! controlled crying for instance! or forcing a child to sleep in its own bed, when in fact there really isn’t nothing wrong with co sleeping, it’s just society has become so paranoid over being accused of being a bad parent or abusing our kids we do exactly as the stereotypes tell us!

We are unknowingly shunning our children and denying them the endorphins and love they need to become healthy successful adults!

I look at mother dearest and wonder if she goes to bed crying? if she wonders if im walking home crying every time i drop my daughter back to her? If i eat properly? if i sleep well? if what she does plays on her conscience? if she’s actually really that selfish and almost narcissistic?
i wonder if she questions herself as a parent? if she is in fact too neurologically ill and disturbed by her own childhood to even fathom what the rest of us think like? but my questions on her are running few and far between because she has made herself this cold emotionless ice queen, she has no substance to me, or in my life! if i look at what she teaches me..the bad outweighs the good, and that is not a healthy way to parent your children! All the knowledge i have acquired from her has been from her own paranoia’s and need to assure herself.. entirely selfish sharing that encouraged my paranoia to rage when i was under her influence! when what she should have been doing was assuring her children.. if you cant assure yourself you definetly cant assure a child, and shouldnt dream of having children until you can do so!
The positive was entirely selfish aswell! like i was a trophy for her to show off when i appeased her..when i dressed as she wanted, when i behaved as she wanted me to!

Then i think about my father, and i know he goes to bed distraught at whats going on, i know it plagues his mind and is making him physically sick, his sheer lack of control or ability to help me with this speaks for itself, i don’t know if he thinks about if ive eaten tonight? if ive got enough monies to even get on a bus!? but i know he does worry.. and despite my efforts to cut him out and distance myself from his side of the family he still sends me messages via MSN telling me he loves me, and that he hopes im ok? he sends me my favourite Pat Metheny music tracks via email.. and occasionally when i do answer my home phone he tells me he was just calling to check i was ok! no matter how much i push him away he always reassured me of his love! even if at times i call him a psycho for shouting one minute and hanging up on me then calling back and apologising and trying to act as if nothing has happened! i have very few questions about my father because he has always assured me of his love!

the list of things a normal parent would think goes on forever.. and i just thank my lucky stars i think like a normal parent and am now strong enough to assert myself and set clear boundaries that stop those that try to undermine my parenting! ITS SUCH A RELIEF!

Recent Updates In My Case

So since my last update about: The Meeting with SS Re: Email Re: Emotional Abuse

ive had a small amount of progress, had a meeting with the social workers manager, and being able to identify a few things has helped a lot in the case, those being social services don’t have any specific guidelines in place when dealing with emotional abuse, like they would with sexual/physical abuse!

The manager offered to fund a mediation session for mother dearest and I to talk through my daughters needs and come to a suitable arrangement without having to go back to court, which would also be a stepping stone before family therapy; which mother dearest refused, on the grounds that she wants nothing to do with me… and i must commend the social worker for telling mother dearest it’s not going to look good for her in court when she does such things!

However if mother dearest can refuse a mediation session for the needs of my daughter and her grand-daughter how is anyone supposed to believe her when she then agreed to the family therapy?!

I then had a further meeting with the social worker where we discussed the meeting she had with mother dearest to discuss my aunt & I’s allegations… non of which were surprising, she denied everything and even came up with an excuse for calling her husband “cock” saying the kids called him “papa cockadoodledoo” I had to laugh as how would a child aged 2-3 give their father a nickname like that at such a young age without some kind of influence!? WOW social services are dumb! Mother dearest basically said my aunt was a liar and needed a hearing test.. and that i was apparently turning up drunk for contact and had verbally attacked my brother in-front of my daughter. Mother Dearest is really clutching at straws now and even brought 1 of my friends into it! saying he was my BF and she was concerned! LOL this made me laugh even more because this friend in-particular she had encouraged me to date and i had in fact put her straight that my daughters needs came first and i couldn’t even think about a relationship! UNLIKE HER!! The social worker was highly surprised when i then told her this friend was also studying to be a school teacher! i do love how their stereotype of me is slowly being broken the more i talk with them! Their image of the teenage mother with mental heath problems shunning help from her family has now turned into the not so teenage anymore mother who is highly articulated with a diverse social circle proving that stupid psychologist and that bogus report wrong when she said i would be unable to form healthy life long sustainable friendships! what a twat!

So were still trying to arrange a core group meeting at my daughters school, still chasing up family therapy and i still tried to speak with mother dearest after my most recent Saturday contact, dam i wish id recorded it because it just reinstated clearly that the woman is so unable to see beyond the end of her nose and she doesn’t care who she hurts or what she destroys in the process even if that is her own family! The social worker had told me on our meeting last Friday that should mother dearest and I fail to come to some arrangement in the best interests of my daughter they will be taking us both to court for parental responsibility! Which i don’t think even quaked mother dearest when i told her, as she really is a selfish spineless lost person! Someone call 999 and get a place booked into the priory for her ASAP!

But my solicitor got back today- FINALLY!!!!!!!

And after speaking to my daughter and asking her whether she would rather go on holiday with nanny, or stay with me over the holidays? she wanted both of us and favoured the holiday with nanny, i wasn’t going to bribe my daughters love because eventually love always wins and i wont need to buy her affection like mother dearest!

I’m using the next 2 weeks productively to build my case for court, and to try to get mother dearest the help she so desperately needs, if i can do it for her it will be a stepping stone for the millions of other’s in similar situations in the U.K.

EA & Differences in Culture

I come from a very mixed heritage, although i was born here in the UK practically every generation in my lineage comes from a different country, i survived the mocking when i was younger of kids saying  i was “confused” because i didn’t know where i came from, and was even told on occasions that they felt sorry for me as at least the black/white mixed race people knew where they were from! I’m still to meet a person from as many cultures as i am.. but the effects of my genetics goes beyond looks, petty bullying and family arguments on whether im having an arranged marriage, if im going to a church of England church as a baptised catholic?! You only have to look at my parents to see how the clashes in our heritage werent addressed! My mothers parents had contradicting values her father being from an authoritarian Austrian family where education and routines were enforced, clashing with her mother from a very native influence where the tradition had been for the grandmother to play often the leading role in raising the grandchild/ren, sometimes through unfortunate circumstances ie. death in childbirth, work commitments. Compared to my father whose parents were both very family orientated, and had overcome the intense pressure from their family’s my nan coming from a irish decent where woman were domesticated and manual workers, and not as schooled as my granddad who was typically Indian and had strong views on how women should be in the home, so it’s no wonder both my parents had trouble setting boundaries for themselves let alone for their children!

Increasingly this isn’t a limited situation i find in my family, be it black, white, asian,arab, European mixes cultural combinations are becoming more mixed and more common in everyday society, breaking free of family stereotypes has never been addressed in our society without oppression! And our government needs to have clear boundaries on law, schooling and rights amongst the rest! i don’t think their quite there yet!! Because it is leaving children exposed to increased domestic violence, religious outcasting from places of worship and especially families! the sheer number or children especially in their teens who are scrutinised for dating outside of their culture by their family’s is astonishing! its hard to fathom how such travesty’s can still occur in extreme cases, let alone think about how a CHILD could deal with rejection over a feeling that is natural to our generation where race colour or religion doesn’t influence how we choose our partners!

The signs are evident across our cities and towns, you only need to walk down my high street to see the array of cuisine’s in abundance, but behind the business, behind the smile on the mothers face at the school gates or the friendly hello to the local green grocer the stories are very different and becoming increasingly common on the subject of parenting, as even the people following religion are having problems setting clear boundaries for their children, and in the cases where domestic violence is occurring who is there to protect the child behind closed doors?

when mothers/fathers are so caught up in their partner drama’s that they forget about safeguarding their own children from abusive situations that effectively damage the children’s minds from a very young age! Where teenage parents barely able to cope with their own emotions and conflicts are left holding the baby with a black eye or a cut lip.. self-esteem, so run into the ground they feel they have no one else to turn to! some cast out from their families for having a cross culture teenage pregnancy and some still in contact with their familys and still see their own parents tormented by issues they are now experiencing.

We rely on our G.P’s, school teachers, police, Childline, NSPCC and most importantly our friends to help get us through, but the lack of knowledge and guidelines for professionals to follow when spotting the signs of our abuse is extremely limited and severely outdated! Sexual and physical Abuse have clear guidelines on child protection and how to asses the family situation, but doesn’t always mean that the professionals always pick up on them! And don’t get me started on Emotional Abuse because im living truth that the guidelines in place DO NOT WORK OR PROTECT CHILDREN! Social circles are becoming a life line in this country for children and young people, where people with very similar issues are coming together to form almost group therapy like friendship settings with each other, and through their own experiences can provide reality checks to some, advise on breaking free of the destructive chains in their familys to others, and for those who are outcasted can be the stepping-stones and support system for the person unable to tolerate being demeaned beaten and crushed by the ones who profess to love you! Were a generation let down by a system unable to address the psychological effects history is now having on us, and those who choose to address their historical issues and not bury their heads in alcohol drugs or some form of substance abuse are few and far between! But i am not able to just bury my head and desensitize myself from the problems occurring in this world! I sometimes wish i was…gosh how ignorance really is bliss! But if i didn’t feel something i wouldn’t be human..or a very good one at that of i continued to turn a blind eye!

I can’t let my child live in a society i helped mess up by not speaking out about the injustices of the system, not speaking out is as good as saying you can beat me, rape my soul, take my children and condemn them into a world where no one cares! Society couldn’t be that cruel could it?

Implications On Romance

The ongoing struggle of realising everything you were taught, how to behave and react to life’s situations is tough enough, let alone breaking the patterns of bad behaviour! This has never been more so in my relationships, such a thoroughly scrutinised topic by social services- my life is my daughter’s life and everyone has to have a say;

is he putting my daughter at risk or further abuse? are you putting his needs before your child’s? can he cope with the whole saga? does he work? what is his family life like? …what colour underwear do you wear when you go to bed? do you use condoms? are there any more totally unacceptable questions they could ask?!

After conquering domestic violence with my daughters father, you’d think social services would be off my back just a little bit and give me some credit! But noooo, and the bf who followed was 16 and had a psycho mother, which clearly would have burned out any hope we had of having a healthy relationship had social services not been involved with my daughter no thanks to his mother and her allegations!

Now im so put off ever having a boyfriend in fear that he wont withstand the social service scrutiny! I’m going to be 23 soon…not 33! and social services forget that im actually doing a good job of juggling part-time motherhood with doing things a normal person my age does and overcoming the damage lifelong systematic emotional abuse, ok so i haven’t had the most normal upbringing but i think ive fair’d up pretty well considering how mother dearest turned out! I’m not an alcoholic and im not drug dependant and im making progress everyday breaking the historic cycle of dysfunctions and abuse!

Loads of factors have to be taken into account in order to make sure the changes motherhood and having a step father in my daughter’s life brings, and making sure it works for all of us! When Mr right presents himself duly! LOL Because with so much in the pipeline ie. career’s, commitments, routine changes, expenditure! He’s going to have to be a tough cookie, someone to comfort me on the long road of rehabilitation of my mind and behaviours.. probably the biggest reassurance will be being able to trust someone wholly and allowing myself to accept and give love from/to someone other than my best friend! Having my daughter adjust to a positive male role model in her life, and us being able to help her adjust/deal to/with those changes and step dad stigma’s it brings! Her needs are always the forefront of my worries.. i often ask myself whether any man would understand, put up and also put my daughters needs at his forefront? and without feeling jealous and resentful?!

All these questions and doubts does impact on how i choose men to date, and my perceptions on whether i should just use them for sex, if any of them are worth the hassle? If any of them can actually meet my ready meal family’s needs? I’m a strong believer of taking things slowly in a relationship, especially where people in my generation have so many historic issues that are now presenting themselves to be dealt with, and i certainly don’t want to rush into anything, but i do want to enjoy being romanced at the same time! And i do have a right to experience the up’s and downs of excitement that relationships bring!

I guess the key is to stay light-hearted and realistic about where it is going/will end up, and to not get too emotional about the whole thing when or if it goes wrong! (I know it’s easier to preach than to live by my own words!) But i will do it, for my daughter’s sake!! Because if i can’t set her a good example of how a good working relationship could be who else is going to fill her mothers shoes as well as i could?! My daughter deserves a step dad who can give her the guidance and support her father can’t give from a jail cell or a crack pipe! It’s a long road I’m walking and i don’t have deluded expectations of my dream man.. guess its one step at a time, and time will tell…..

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