The Step Dad

So i can only really write about my personal experience on this subject and what i see going on all around me, but it seems the step dad stigma is ever rife in our present society, and has had a big impact on my life, Mother dearest brought my step dad into the house when i was 9-10, she two’d and fro’d between having him as a lodger whilst breaking apart from my real dad, and effectively two timing on my dad as he was non the wiser! I can recollect arguing with mother dearest about telling my dad and to stop leading him on.. strange dealings for a 9-10 yr old! And they eventually split, i wonder if mother dearest’s ever had a period longer than 2 weeks in her entire life where she hasn’t had some man drama in her life!? I know i cant recollect a time! 

Now i probably wouldn’t have minded the step dad had he been good for our family! At the time it was just mother myself and my brother, and i remember mother dating him on an off for about a year or so, with him coming and going as he pleased at our home, he paid no rent and made no contributions to the household shopping or bills… that was mistake no.1! He had also never had a proper girlfriend and so this relationship with mother dearest was a big step for him coming from a rather uptight catholic upbringing and so as you can imagine his parents disapproved of mother dearest and her “baggage” (meaning my brother and I) and that was mistake no.2!

Mother never set clear boundaries around her children and what the step dad would have to do, in order to provide as he should in order to set a good example! but then again he could just about look after himself let alone provide for mother my brother and I aswell! God how desperate for love they both were! and that they actually were so selfish to forget about 2 children’s needs!  This just caused more problems coz step dad lived off us for 2 years whilst working two jobs with his salary going to his mother!!! I thought from the start that he was just out for a passport but well they’ve been together for over 10 yrs no so..well..they must have some weird kinda love for each other!

I wouldn’t have minded a decent step dad who made mother happy, and who actually brought something good to our lives other than more problems! less finances which resulted in me HATING him, i had to be bribed into being a bridesmaid at their wedding and i did my best to ruin their day by disappearing after the church service to run home and hide 4 bottles of champagne round the back of the marquee for my pleasure later on with my best friend! I therefor missed being in all the church photo’s..thankfully as really i wasnt happy about this..it was just an excuse for me to get drunk and make some havoc aged 11/12! So i got sloshed and sat under the food tables in the marquee with my best friend stabbing the guests feet with forks as they came past to enjoy the buffet.. when i was eventually found i got caught by the video camera saying “i know all the people” and falling off the garden swing.. haha i have to laugh about it now because the whole wedding was a sham, mothers last-ditch attempt to get married and happy before she got too old! She even forked out most of the monies for her budget wedding.. mother was 30, had found herself a man who she could mould into the man she needed- another escape goat and another of her victims of her abuse!

So 10 years on, ive done literally everything to my step dad you could imagine, hammered nails into his expensive bicycles, scratched his cd’s, burned his toes with my friends whilst he was sleeping on the sofa! (he used to sleep on the sofa in the build up to leaving mother for the umpteenth time) i looked after my first sister at the cost of my education..but it was OK as mother was paying me!! (i hope your picking up on my sarcasm here!!) i cleaned up after a baby, the pets, and mother dearest step dad and my brother and got no thanks for what i was doing, just scrutiny for going out and spending my monies on getting stoned! (GOD CAN YOU BLAME ME!?!) he strangled me, they broke up again, and got back together.. I’ve lost track of the amount of times they called the police on me over the years..they had my sister a year after they’d been married and every year after her birth around christmas step dad would up and leave, using his parents my mother his family as the reasons… 10 yrs later nothings changed!

The most recent leaving was because he said he begrudged spending his wages providing for my daughter whom mother dearest has residency of, and my brother who also resides with mother dearest scot-free.. he wanted his perfect family to himself, not including the “baggage” and the problems we bring! I half feel as if mother half wants that too but just hasn’t got the balls to say it! So the usual behaviour mother exhibited she cried, got angry, turned psycho, wanted revenge, sorted herself out and let me back in, then let him back in, and shut me out again.. and step dad is enjoying coming and going again between homes, mother dearest and step dad both still failing to see what their doing and how their disrupting their kids lives with their inconsistencies! Neither of them has stopped to think what kind of example their showing us, how their inconsistent relationship is based on their needs not the kids needs and we all just suffer the consequences of their middle-aged teenager like relationship!

Weve had mediation, family therapy and gone blue in the face trying to talk to each other to no avail…11/12 years later and we still hate each others guts, step dad still walks round the house like a huge mute oaf, and god forbid when he does acknowledge something all you get is a grunt! Turns out he’s been leading like 3 different lives portraying to his work he has a perfect home life, portraying to mother that hos work love him off and portraying to his family a totally different picture… he’s one confused person, no wonder he hates me… ive come to learn a lot of the adults in my life feel threatened by my intelligence and ability to articulate myself in ways they cannot!

But this step dad drama isn’t just limited to me, it’s becoming a widespread issue where mothers are abandoning their daughters at their peaks in puberty perhaps because they feel threatened and unable to cope with dealing with a pretty younger version of themselves, and maintaining healthy boundaries in coersion with the step dad, as they don’t even have boundaries with their own personal relationship! Mothers are neglecting their daughters when they are most vulnerable to men on the hunt.. is it any wonder there are so many young girls out here involved in domestic violence and having teenage pregnancy’s!? When this is all the unhealthy dynamics they’ve learnt from their adult role models in their lives.. the little positive influences they have are over ridden by diminished self-esteem when their parents forced them out the family home and into the cold reality they were unprepared for!

And as for the Step Dad! well it’s not just females that are carrying issues from their childhood into their adult lives, these men who are looking for a replacement mother figure and becoming increasingly common, we know men mature slower than women but it’s becoming a joke when the majority of men aged between 24-30 are still behaving like emotional teenagers, unable to cope with looking after himself let alone maintaining a healthy relationship that they’re all craving! And those who are able to deal with such pressures choose the road of being promiscuous..

Where are all the real men? Will i ever be able to find a man who’s able to provide for my daughter & I? whose family will accept us with our dysfunctional background!?

Or is this what our generation is now dealing with? are we all facing our lovely historical issues passed down through generations that men of our time are unable to deal with!? are some people choosing to ignore the patterns and live in fear of change?  Will step family’s work in this generation? or are we as women destined to become super women and raise our family’s without a mans input?

I’ll be back with some answers soon..hold tight! And do let me know what your thinking!!

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