The Meeting with SS Re: Email Re: Emotional Abuse

My aunt and I attended the meeting to further discuss the email id sent:

https://helpmestopher.wordpress.com/2010/01/25/email-to-social-service-re-emotional-abuse-dynamics/

I recorded the meeting without the social worker knowing, as in previous meetings she has left out, twisted and played down matter’s I’d raised and discussed with her…this was to make sure i could prove to her superiors what really went on, incase I had to make an official complaint about her performance!

My aunt & I had to explain our relationship to each other.. we went on to discuss

In regards to the email: the social worker (SW) acknowledged the email, the concerns surrounding my daughter and the relationships between my mother, my daughter & I.

The SW went on to say they were historical issues, that had been discussed at court, and were to be addressed in therapeutic involvement. (when ever that should commence)

My point was that my mother behaves the same with me as with her other children & my daughter- Emotionally Abusive, I was then asked to explain further, where I referred to the email id sent which clearly described in detail the dynamics, I used some specifics, and again the SW said they were historical, I said its taken up until recently for me to actualize my abuse endured and break away to realise thoroughly the effects & dynamics, I spoke about counselling and enlightenment in that environment that helped, my previous psychotherapy and why I dropped out, that id needed time to reflect to digest my life, to seek the help myself, and that the environment of counselling  was more private compared to group therapy of which i was being offered, counselling once a month face to face and email contact run from a different borough in London than i lived in, id been attending a few months now as I am better at communication through writing.

i went on to say regardless of my relationship with my mother my concerns are for my child and siblings, their isolation- lack of social activities, they do nothing else but sit in the house practically rotting, I try to be proactive and get the children involved in activity’s but mother refuses on the grounds of “I can’t I’ve got no time!” The opportunity for my brother & I were sparse and now my siblings are receiving less that we did, behind closed doors its a very different picture.

Social Worker asks what I think they should do? That she has always observed mother being loving and caring.. my Aunt interrupts to back me up and give her witnessing statement of my mothers abuse, how herself and my great nan were petrified of the repercussions on my brother & I if they stood up  & spoke out, my aunt went on to speak about the family holiday how she witnessed mother giving a good at oscar winning performance but really has not changed, she behaved in a cruel manner, was critical & shouting at all the children, the children only ever smiled when outsiders stepped in to give them a break from mother! Mother’s control stretches; the children are not allowed to enjoy themselves under this pressure,how I tried to throw myself under a bus aged 9, had self harmed over the years, and again the SW says its historical, my aunt says mothers behaviours have not changed! She would not want my mother anywhere near her child/ren, the SW asked about mothers interaction with my daughter when on holiday of which my aunt replied; it was non existent other than to bark orders at her, my mother developed a strained wrist which became and issue, when my aunt offered to do some manipulation as she was a trained therapist.. mother replied “don’t touch me I’m feeling violent!”  my mother went on to call my 4yo sister leather eyes *she has chronic eczema, showed her no affection, had a constant miserable face,  mother questioned how the kids were behaving good with her but not when with mother, my aunt went on to elaborate on no one in mothers life being allowed to have a personality- my mother stamps out the life in her kids. Mother and her father my grandpa were screaming at my 4yo sister because she wanted to play, aunt stood up and challenged mothers behaviour and named her as a bully/brute, and told her about her disgusting behaviours that were not that of a loving parent!

I went on to add nobody has a right to abuse their children, any personality we try to exhibit mother squashed using humiliation and mocking amongst others a great example was music my 4yo sister is apprehensive to get involved when JLS come on tv, my sister says “its rubbish I can’t mummy says” she often now leaves the room to avoid singing or dancing to music she enjoyed because of the humiliation she’s experienced, our friendships are criticized, story’s are one-sided from mother, and how my aunt & I over last year didn’t have much contact whilst I was internalizing my life. My mother has cut me off, i now can’t talk to her, no wat can i tell her how to better improve/parent!

SW went on to say it is difficult where different generations have personalities and there are many family’s with similar issues when family’s are displaced, the idea’s and values between generations are different, neither is wrong, but it is important to sit down and talk! I added that with sexual abuse you wouldn’t encourage or force the abused person to sit down and talk so why just because its Emotional Abuse is it any different? being beaten mentally doesnt make it any less painful to discuss! The SW expressed she was in the middle acting like mediator, said that we all need to sit down and talk face to face, i agreed but said that is where mother will play on her act; and cry, the social worker cut me shot and said if i was not satisfied with contact/treatment i should go back to court? I asked the SW if we go back to court will she support me in my application for residency? as the court will order her to assess again, SW has the right to give view and say this is a case of abuse.. SW has to deal with it, the previous psychologist  assessments on my mother were not done thoroughly, the lack of a mother figure caused me to act out, it was my way of dealing and coping with how my family life was, my daughter currently had no problems reported at school, there are no signs of abuse, but if you compare my daughter to my 9yo sister you can clearly see the patters emerging! My aunt went on to say the kids behave repressed and just sat like stone’s, when you see my daughter & I’s interactions with each other it is totally different and my daughter is not like this when around mother dearest! My aunt spoke about the kids constantly in the house which is cramped with a ogress for a mother/grandmother! It’s all very well the SW writing housing letters to the council, but mother will not move because she currently has no neighbours, no one is there to report her seeing her, if she had neighbours she would loose control,and end up reported! I stated that if she has any love for her kids she would move to a bigger house and give them the space they need, but she wont! On the Nintendo WII characters i am named as satan & her husband is named as cock..is that behaviour of a normal mother? mother even bully’s her husband!

I expressed my concerns that mothers husband had moved back, that my daughter has told me, and still my mother hasn’t said anything to me, she is refusing to talk to me about it or anything else, even after she clearly knows he resents my daughter my brother & I, he had even expressed it to mother as a reason for his leaving, the same hostility i feel from him he conveys to my daughter and my daughter being 4yo should not have to endure that!

The SW said: i should talk to solicitors SS have no parental responsibility for my daughter, it is private proceedings, they have no jurisdiction, they need evidence of abuse to step in, and what my aunt & I are making are allegations, Emotional Abuse is the most difficult to prove, we r not giving hard evidence, my email of the family dynamics is not evidence, we shall all attend a child in need meeting at my daughters school to be agree;d.

I said that if you look in my daughters school reading log, the difference between my 4yo daughters and my 4yo sisters is drastic and not just down to a difference in personality! My aunt backed me up saying there is no positivity from my mother it is always negative,  I went on to add that from a young age we thought we couldn’t talk to anyone because we  were different to other people, I couldn’t relate because of what mother had instilled in me, it was only through my relationships with my aunt & great nan that they helped me to break free from abuse, SS must recognise that! I added that what is also important is that even if my daughter resided with me id still be coming to raise concern about my siblings! Everything that has happened has been because of mother dearest, SW asked if i was ready to have my daughter back full-time? I went on to say that I practically raised myself, everything around my daughter needed to happen to give me the space and perspective to actualize what is unhealthy in the dynamics and allowed me time to work on myself,  mother constantly telling me in not bonding with my daughter like she would/has, her constant undermining of my parenting plays a big part in what went wrong, im not saying i was always right but because I was abused it played a major part, and now i am ready to have my daughter back! The SW said the court will have to decide, they will look at the initial order, the psychologist reports that said i needed therapy for 2 years which was based on me being fully open with my medical history and mother withholding her medical history! If perhaps i hadn’t given mine what would have happened?! I was the focus; the question everyone asked was am i fit to have my daughter? not is my mother fit to have my daughter!? no body questioned my mother!

there was a long silence

I went on; i was said to be being hysterical, passing the buck etc. I’ve only recently broken away from mothers intensive force/control, she still controls me to a point through my daughter now, the difference’s in contact/environments between mother & I are drastic; my daughter has no room at mothers, mother has made the children have no room! through her refusal of neighbours and refusal of a move! compared to my home which is virtually limitless has space, meals baths play time is structured but natural, mothers and her kids relationships is not natural! everything with her is conditional!!

aunt speaks about phone call with my 4yo sister, when asked where mother is my sister went off to look for her to no avail and came back to the phone sounding generally scarred and vulnerable that she was unable to find mother, mother eventually came to the phone and was there, and as my aunt expressed concern to mother, mother said “oh stupid cow i was in bathroom brushing my teeth”, aunt brung her up on this over the phone and mothers usual hostile answers were replied. During the Xmas period id sprung a visit with my aunt to mothers so my aunt could do a present run, i then sidetracked in the meeting saying that mother no longer trusted me because I spoke to my aunt after the return from the family holiday, how mother undermines every relationship/friendship and that was a classic example, so my aunt came to house and when they saw she was there the kids didn’t know how to respond, they looked to mother for permission, now normally kids r spontaneous, but her kids(my siblings) freeze up, i went on to say how mother openly talks about problems in front of the kids, and exposes them to adult issues!

SW asks obviously problems have been going on, and that I’ve noticed them for a while and why have I not said anything before?

I replied that I’ve been coming here since I was 15 for help! Nobody thought/took me as serious and looked at it as just a battle between mother & I with my daughter now being used as a pawn, my aunt stepped in to clarify it’s not a battle, I’m articulate and can convey my abuse now I’ve broken away from her abuse, i added that to a point mother had me believing what she was saying, that things had changed until till she let me fully in and I saw the whole time we were in court I didn’t actually know her, mother had kept her life a secret and portraying to everyone else it was perfect, her husband was still in and out, the kids were kids up wall, and that she doesn’t talk to the SS honestly as how is she going to explain herself? that her husband resents my daughter and my brother and is not interacting with them in a positive way, only doing so with his kids, how is mother going to tell SS this is going on under her roof? when it makes her look bad! she will do everything in her power to make sure she has rosy picture of her life painted. Her friends have upped and left, and aunt clarifies friends have left because of how she treats her kids, my daughters god fathers mother i confided in once said she doesn’t know what to do  mother is a law unto herself! My aunt went on to say when my 9yo sister was little mother told her to shut your face (to my sister who was then a baby) and mothers same friend stepped in and pulled her up on it, i  gave a further example about my brothers gf who had a conversation with mother about mother’s husband, where mother asked her advise on the situation, of which she shared her opinion and after she had finished mother replied “ah i don’t even know why I asked you anyway just shut your mouth b4 i pull out your weave”, my brother was in room, and did nothing, my aunt also said a similar thing had occurred on the family holiday, i went on to add that my brother had been kicked out for speaking out for his betrayal, that he is still tied and involved in the unhealthy living environment now he moved back, we can’t have a relationship because when mother finds out she crushes it immediately, and uses the “oh you’ll end up like your sister” line, I point out their isn’t anything wrong with me apart (aunt agrees) from the fact I’ve had a mother like her, I’ve got good social settings & boundaries, and that I can’t go forward in my life because of what is still going on, I’ve been coming here since i was 15 asking for help! what is it going to take?  The SW said she is aware of  the historical concerns she doesn’t want to discuss them as its been addressed in the past,  i went on to say i know its hard to prove emotional abuse, but regardless of however hard it is to identify something needs to be done, The SW said she undertakes regular observations, meetings, talks to the children during home visits, the school and health visitor non of which have raised any concerns, i added that the SW doing this makes it 100x worse at home for the children, their only outlets are school they embrace it and the kids are so grateful to be away from her and they make full advantage of this, when SW speaks to mum she deals with it on the front, but behind scenes it’s a totally different matter, in the meetings mother erupts then cry’s and gives the doting mother role, she doesn’t believe anything is actually wrong with her parenting! she’s actually a sick person! she don’t realise what she is doing!

SW went on to say we can’t use the word sick as mother needs to be diagnosed by a professional, aunt says she’s studied psychology and can say she is a sick woman, as did SW but no one unless qualified can give a diagnosis! I spoke about my friends views of my mum and their expressions that they don’t know how I deal with her because she’s mental, and for my friends to say that it does mean something!

I addressed my daughters nail-biting,  that when i questioned her said she does it when she gets angry about nanny, nanny shouts we can’t play and she mumbled on, i expressed that i thought this case of nail-biting is not a habit it is self harm! when my daughter can clearly express she relates it to being angry, and that we read books that cover emotions so my daughter is well aware and knows about emotions.

SW commends me on dealing with my daughters questions of her dads whereabouts, I elaborated, and spoke about dynamics of daddy and how long it will be acceptable for daddy to be naughty!? SW asks if there is any news on daddy, i elaborate further and say how mother was using him against me, i suffered domestic violence at his hands and fought to get him out of my daughters & I’s lives for a good reason! mother making him involved again was disgusting, she didn’t speak out that i had fought against him and his abusive ways and she brung an abuser back into our lives! mother put my daughter & I at risk again.. the past year we’ve been in and out of court helping/making him build a relationship with our daughter for absolutely nothing! He had the right when we went through the courts in the DV case where the judge made it very clear to him what he should do in regards to contact, but he wanted everything handed to him on a plate, and mother used him as a player against me, when what it should have been about  is providing my daughter with a safe environment and mother did not do that when she let the abuser walk back into our lives!

SW asks about scheduling a child in need meeting at school at a convenient time.

Regarding this meeting she will discuss it with her with manager and decided if assessment needs to happen, but again if I’m not happy with the care my mother is providing I need to take her back to court and see my solicitor.

I asked what happens if yes/no to assessment, SW replies the school meeting gets scheduled and we  and go from there she can tell me more after they decided what to do.

Aunt reinstated it’s not a battle! it’s about vulnerable children, and protecting them, we speak briefly about eating disorders in relation to my 9yo sister and the SW agree’d my sister does have a problem, she further asks about my daughters eating pattern, and we discuss that she has a few picky habits but is otherwise a healthy eater! I pointed out that my baby sister when you pick her up does not engage with you in close proximity and only does so at a distance, SW noted the same thing, but could not say whether it was a concern or not and asked if their was anything else i wanted to discuss…

I asked if the SS could force mother move house- SW has talked and done supporting letters on behalf of mother to the council about the house conditions, aunt and I speak about cramped conditions the dog- how if mother can’t have no more kids she will over run her house with animals! I joked and asked when is the next baby coming!? adding Mothers husband is back- SW ‘speculates and says he’s not living there but if he is he has a right to be as he is her husband! Again i add if my house was mouldy and small id move regardless to better my family’s lives!  when my daughter was with me over the holidays she was fine, she went back to mothers for 2 days and got sick, and conveniently she’s sick and has a disrupted sleeping routine, i add that if mother and I can’t build and work together on her routine its forever gonna be disrupted, always my fault and mother will never talk to me about it or acknowledge she needs to take some responsibility, when she wont take responsibility for me when i was 9/10 is same thing gonna happen to my 9yo sister soon!? how many years down line until this pattern of behaviour is impacted on my 4yo sister and 4yo daughter? this pattern of behaviour has to stop! she had to take responsibility & talk to me!

SW asks if I’m going back to court yet? I say it’s not about me going back to court it depends on SS as well, SW says no it’s not down to them, I say my solicitors advise can only do so much as bringing it back to court will not address my mum or her stop her abusing her kids its SS that have to stop her stop the abuse! SS should have done it a long time ago- SW agrees, I add that if they don’t what does it say about SS? what are they showing/providing the next generation? they will be letting down all the kids of society that are not articulate enough to actualize what’s going on- that they are being abused! aunt adds that when SW addresses mother, mother will deny it! SW says mother will no undoubtedly disclose information about me that SW will need to discuss with me, SW restated she will speak with mother and her manager and get meeting at school arranged and contact me, my aunt and I add that everyday that goes by it gets worse for the kids, however the SS handle this its going to have repercussions on my contact and effect the relationships between us all and that it needs to be handled carefully!

SW asks about next weekend, my contact with my daughter and if mother has or is addressing it, i say she refuses to talk to me about it, mother wont talk about me because i talk to my aunt and uses the can’t trust me issue, how i can’t be trusted, mother has blown out all previous thoughts/agreements on sleepover with sisters etc. different contacts between us all, but now I’m not allowed because she can’t trust me because I may let my aunt see them, i add that my aunt is not dangerous! what the hell.. ?! mother doesn’t like my aunt because she shows us the real world, and loves us, but mother doesn’t like this as it threatens her world she has created! I say about how I tried to hug mother once and she pushed me away, SW jumps in and notes about mother hugging her kids & grand-daughter, where I add she does show us affection but uses it against us she is all they know in terms of love, mother burys her head in men and didn’t nurture us as any loving capable parent would, her love wasn’t unconditional it was always conditional and had a cost attached. The meeting draws to a close and SW says she will call to arrange meeting with school…..meeting over!

What do you make of all of this?! Because I’m actually getting sick of typing now! LOL 😉 XXX

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. mike donovin
    Jan 29, 2010 @ 02:43:38

    wow…i real feel for you and everything you are going thru..its a drain emotionally…hang in there

    Reply

  2. helpmestopher
    Jan 29, 2010 @ 03:05:48

    Thank-you for your comment, it means alot! I’m persevering X

    Reply

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