Email to Social Service Re: Emotional Abuse Dynamics

I sat down with my laptop and some nice outlines id found online on the varying dynamics of Emotional Abuse, and began to use that structure to break down patterns of behaviour within my own family dynamics, using key examples of my own abuse to bring attention to the severity of what goes on on a deeper emotional level where your abuse stems from birth! The repercussions it had on my life, my siblings lives and now my daughters life, how the historical chain of abuse within my family is being forced to be broken through my own strength and unfortunate circumstances.

The email read as this (names have been omitted):

Dear social worker, I know we haven’t touched base in a while, seemingly haven’t had much to talk about as the past 6 months or so I’ve been doing A LOT of reflecting, on my life, patterns of behaviours, parenting and various others. I end up in a vicious circle that finishes with my Mother, there’s no easy way of explaining what I’m trying to get across to you but I hope that you can understand why most of all, so my spiral from present to past finishes with my mother. The Emotional Abuse I have suffered at her unknowing hands, since being a child and old enough to acknowledge that how my life was, was based on fear games and a dream world, that I created to save myself from the despair of reality and how my childhood was in reality, throughout my mothers constant belittling comments, threats, criticisms, fits of rage, and incessant trips to the doctors for yet another illness (invention of my mother’s hysterical mind), was my hope that I could change and be better for her, be who she wanted me to be, make her proud of me when in fact I was just trying to be a child. I’ve come to learn that NOTHING was or is ever good enough for her, everything that has gone wrong in our relationship has been my fault, as she puts it; “she did her best given her circumstances” which I don’t doubt, what I doubt was and still is her ability to parent me and now my siblings appropriately, she is I believe a disturbed woman who has given me the worst example of a parent!
My mother managed to always keep the level of passive abuse towards everyone in her life at a low level on our aggression thresh holds, she ensures it remains below the observers aggression threshold especially in cases of public or ambient situations where her abuse may be picked up on. By doing this she has ensured she can continue to mentally and emotionally abuse us so that we are unsure of how to respond normally, I speak in terms of “we-us” as I’m referring to my siblings, other members of my family, friends, associates and you the professionals.
Once my Mother had us involved on the level where she could abuse us on this scale and were within her grasp/had been sucked in she could then drop her mask in surroundings/company where she felt comfortable and uncontrollable mostly in private behind closed doors.
Years of low-level abuse destroyed my self-esteem, her constant words of ” we are not like other people, we are different, normal people don’t understand us” had me sucked in. I felt that I couldn’t turn to anyone for help, as I didn’t even believe I needed help! I believed every word my mother told me from a young age as any child would.
My only other influences were my Great Grandmother and Aunt the only two other people who showed me the love that has got me free of my mothers grasp to this day. My Father who was also one of my mother’s victims drowned himself in alcohol and drugs to escape what and who he was involved with, and perhaps what he had brought his 2 children into (my brother and me). His volatility was not helped by my mother’s incessant need to control and humiliate him, and the two together did not mix well, he was unable to help us as she abused him too. My Father was brought up to be the provider and from a stereotypical Asian background where the female played a very traditional housewife role, however due to my mother being emotionally scarred from her dysfunctional childhood at a young age, which manifested itself in her adaptation of her fathers parenting where this controlling, cruel, damaging almost narcissistic nature stems from.
Having my Gt Grandmother and Aunt there to help me through as a haven/sanctuary away from my mothers abuse has been the single ray of hope to keep me going, which helped me develop my low/high aggression threshold. I began to realize and develop my own ideas of and challenging my mother.
She has continued to pitch her abuse in such a way that no individual incident has been serious enough to merit investigation or cause for concern from a G.P./Teacher/Friend etc. and when I began to complain about something so seemingly trivial I was made to seem purulent and churlish and elicited little sympathy from those around me bar my Gt Grandmother and Auntl, who were sympathetic and understood where I was coming from.
My mother’s cumulative effect of constant low level abuse over my entire life as you know had been and still is severally damaging, “tree roots can bring down a wall if left to grow”. On many occasions when my Grandmother or Aunt challenged my mother on this and her inappropriate behaviour towards my brother and I her “victim/martyr/helpless” mode would kick in. They were afraid they would be barred from seeing my brother and me.  This is CRUCIAL in her passive-aggressive attack, to be able to attack without us being able to retaliate and without anyone else thinking anything is wrong, this results in frequent realisation of what she has done some while after the actual attack has been committed, and the opportunity to retaliate has passed, adding to the low level tactics enforcement. If at times we did realise we found it very difficult to prove as the snide comments, looks, body language were readable by those who were victim to it, and no one else could/can see it. My mother had a reputation of being unimpeachable of character and managed to manipulate things behind the scenes, so no one would believe it, she is capable of public open acts of kindness and privately slanders us, however over the years her behaviour has become more desperate and obscene in methods of slander, by blatant comments like “I don’t know why you’re her friend she did blah blah” where “blah blah” being something deeply private relating to our personal conflicts which she now uses against me.(dishing dirt) She does it so blatantly now so to provoke a public reaction to fund her character assassination of us, but on a scale where the other party has no idea as to the reality and truth of the situation. Until as I’ve done in the past and reacted, which leads to both parties not being taken seriously and the 3rd party believing we are paranoid/delusional or my mothers most favourite “Attention Seeking” as conveniently she’s already had me labelled with ADHD.
This is all about circumventing retaliation, persecuting us with impunity, we know we are being attacked, but don’t know what to do about it and have no credibility should we attempt to come forward, which is why my brother has not spoken out, he never had the security from anyone to build his confidence enough to break free as my Mother had total domination over him preventing him from forging a deep bond with me, my Gt Grandmother and Aunt. He was on the other side of The “Vs War” my Gt Grandmother, Aunt and I VS Mother and brother, with my Father trying to assert his role to no avail.
This kind of harassment had left me extremely psychologically distressed at a young age especially between the ages of 9-16. I have endured this for years with my G.P. prescribing anti-depressants, and no one ever getting to the root cause; my Mother.
My mother managed to undermine every other relationship in my life between my family and friends, please see below what I found to be a perfect structure as to what my mother does:

You are in a group with two other people, A and B. If you want to establish a dominant position for yourself within the group,
there are three things you can do:
1 Establish a strong relationship with A
2 Establish a strong relationship with B
3 Create enmity between A and B The first two items do not necessarily mean becoming good friends; it does not have to be a warm relationship.
It just needs to be a relationship, which allows you to influence that person.
It could be a relationship of dominance and intimidation, or it could be one of warmth and trust.
The important thing is that you are in a position to influence that person’s actions and opinions.
Item 3 prevents any possible rival power bloc from emerging. This one is interesting enough to look at in more detail.
It is not necessary that A and B become full-blown enemies; the important thing is that they do not become staunch allies.
A vague mutual distrust and suspicion is enough.
Any emergent relationship between A and B needs to be undermined, and this mutual distrust between them needs to be maintained.
Many of the techniques outlined here are useful in attempting to undermine other people’s relationships.
The most generally useful one is probably vicious gossip.
If you constantly drip-feed negative information about B, and vice versa, you will prevent them from trusting or respecting each other.
However, in order to achieve this, you need to have negative information to pass on.
An important use of this in larger groups is to create conflicts between people who might otherwise compare notes and cross-reference evidence against you.

My Mother’s only interest in our lives is mainly negative; as a result the only things I’ve ever really talked to my mother about have been the bad experiences. She has never fully seen the good side of me and because of this she has an abundance of ‘dirt’ on me and manages to capitalise on my mistakes and misfortunes, anything unfortunate or deemed as socially construed she always exaggerates things for maximum effect.
She specialises in public ridicule of me as a form of deflection ensuring her reputation is as intact as she wishes, hence why I’ve never been able to trust her.
She has always made sure no one empathises with me she has always painted the picture that I deserved it and it was my own fault/rod for my back. Using my siblings against me is another tactic of hers, and the reason why I’ve never had a healthy relationship with my brother. Under her rules we were never allowed to (divide and rule), I would have made him my ally in her eyes and she uses her children as excuses for her not to do positive things. This is a very pernicious and simple avoidance tactic, and also an opportunity role to play; the ‘doting’ Mother who tries/does her best, which sometimes even has me fooled still to this day! She will be very welcoming and make you feel as if you are building bridges lulling one into a false sense of security, all the while we are on her rope waiting to be hung till she has what she wants/needs; some form of inappropriate self disclosure, sometimes even asking direct blatant questions.
This is also where her exaggerated one-sided story telling, or rather as I see it concocting story telling where she will tell only one half of the story; (her side) and paints the opposite party as the ogre/person in the wrong etc. part of the vicious circle. She truly believes she is right and the rest of the world is wrong.
I can give you numerous examples because NOW I understand how she works on a much deeper level than she even understands herself. I really believe she is a sick person and the time is imminent for her to receive professional help and must be prevented from abusing her children in the ways she has and is still abusing my siblings and I.
Now she controls her husband and uses others around her as her allies.
Verbal abuse or verbal put downs, blame and castigation have NO place in a loving relationship, whether we are actually responsible or not, my mother has no boundaries behind closed doors and an even lower tolerance level to her self made situation, where she buries herself playing Mother/wife and doesn’t have to look at herself for she is always busy bothering us and constantly criticizing us.
She doesn’t see that she has conditioned us as reflections of the un addressed issues of herself. The life she has subjected us and doomed us to. My siblings have very few people left to turn to, who are emotionally and mentally aware of what goes on. My fear is that should you not help or intervene somehow they too will continue to be subjected to the same level of abuse if not worse. I have witnessed their confidence and choices already being affected so obviously by my mothers behaviour and I have noted they are going through exactly what I went through but they have no way to escape as my mother is keeping them all effectively trapped, isolated and living in fear. You can see this through the emotional strings she has with the children, my sisters sleeping in her bed well past the age they should be, the constant fight amongst each other for attention, their feeding of dirt on one another “grassing”, the list is endless.

I also need to speak with you about the following issues:

1: Step Fathers return to live at the family home and the impacts of this on my daughter.
2: my daughters nail biting when with my mother and expression that she does it when angry.
3: my daughters questioning about her father and why he is always busy.
4: Contact with my siblings outside of my mother’s supervision.
5: Housing Conditions that my daughter and my siblings live under, i.e. Damp/Mould overcrowding & Risk Factors.

I understand this is a lot for you to take in, it has taken a lot of actualization to come to terms with my past and I’ve taken big steps onto the road of healing and undoing a lot of the damage my upbringing has caused, as you know I work a lot faster than most..Part of this process is asking for your help to rectify my dysfunctional family to stop any further abuse taking place, as I’ve been asking for since I was 15 years old! Enough is enough.
This is a very basic breakdown of my mothers parenting, using myself as the example, I have countless examples of how her behaviour affects, ALL of my siblings, and every other relationship with people outside of the immediate family circle, Past and present.
I’ve kept it basic and simple as you have our history in case files and should be able to spot the examples of abuse right under your nose within this case, if that isn’t enough then I will gladly give you example after example to clarify further.
I hope you will not see this as an attack on my mother, or as I’ve been told before another case of me passing the blame to my mother, as it is not; I genuinely need yourself and my mother to realise what she has done/is still doing to her children, my mother was responsible for me until the age of legally 18 however she failed to provide me with the emotional stability I needed as a child, my behaviours were not wholly my fault and were reactions and manifestations of the abuse I suffered at her hands; that I am not responsible for! I no longer allow myself to carry the blame for my mothers lack of parenting, I’m able to acknowledge what has/is happen/ed/ing and its about time my mother acknowledged this and the fact it is now effecting all her children AND her grandchild also, and made positive steps towards changing.

I look forward to meeting with you on the 12/01/10 to address these matters.

Yours

……………………

I then attended a meeting with my case social worker and my aunt, where I raised my concerns of my Emotionally Abusive mother further discussed this email and my aunt and I gave the social worker countless examples of the abuse that entails/ed.

The meeting is addressed in my next post.

I hope that this will be of help for many out here living with emotional abuse, and give you the strength to stand up and speak out about what you are going through, that is key to defeating and forcing social services in the U.K to deal with this form of abuse in the way that the U.S has been for many years now!

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: The Meeting with SS Re: Email Re: Emotional Abuse « Helpmestopher's Blog

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