The Step Dad

So i can only really write about my personal experience on this subject and what i see going on all around me, but it seems the step dad stigma is ever rife in our present society, and has had a big impact on my life, Mother dearest brought my step dad into the house when i was 9-10, she two’d and fro’d between having him as a lodger whilst breaking apart from my real dad, and effectively two timing on my dad as he was non the wiser! I can recollect arguing with mother dearest about telling my dad and to stop leading him on.. strange dealings for a 9-10 yr old! And they eventually split, i wonder if mother dearest’s ever had a period longer than 2 weeks in her entire life where she hasn’t had some man drama in her life!? I know i cant recollect a time! 

Now i probably wouldn’t have minded the step dad had he been good for our family! At the time it was just mother myself and my brother, and i remember mother dating him on an off for about a year or so, with him coming and going as he pleased at our home, he paid no rent and made no contributions to the household shopping or bills… that was mistake no.1! He had also never had a proper girlfriend and so this relationship with mother dearest was a big step for him coming from a rather uptight catholic upbringing and so as you can imagine his parents disapproved of mother dearest and her “baggage” (meaning my brother and I) and that was mistake no.2!

Mother never set clear boundaries around her children and what the step dad would have to do, in order to provide as he should in order to set a good example! but then again he could just about look after himself let alone provide for mother my brother and I aswell! God how desperate for love they both were! and that they actually were so selfish to forget about 2 children’s needs!  This just caused more problems coz step dad lived off us for 2 years whilst working two jobs with his salary going to his mother!!! I thought from the start that he was just out for a passport but well they’ve been together for over 10 yrs no so..well..they must have some weird kinda love for each other!

I wouldn’t have minded a decent step dad who made mother happy, and who actually brought something good to our lives other than more problems! less finances which resulted in me HATING him, i had to be bribed into being a bridesmaid at their wedding and i did my best to ruin their day by disappearing after the church service to run home and hide 4 bottles of champagne round the back of the marquee for my pleasure later on with my best friend! I therefor missed being in all the church photo’s..thankfully as really i wasnt happy about this..it was just an excuse for me to get drunk and make some havoc aged 11/12! So i got sloshed and sat under the food tables in the marquee with my best friend stabbing the guests feet with forks as they came past to enjoy the buffet.. when i was eventually found i got caught by the video camera saying “i know all the people” and falling off the garden swing.. haha i have to laugh about it now because the whole wedding was a sham, mothers last-ditch attempt to get married and happy before she got too old! She even forked out most of the monies for her budget wedding.. mother was 30, had found herself a man who she could mould into the man she needed- another escape goat and another of her victims of her abuse!

So 10 years on, ive done literally everything to my step dad you could imagine, hammered nails into his expensive bicycles, scratched his cd’s, burned his toes with my friends whilst he was sleeping on the sofa! (he used to sleep on the sofa in the build up to leaving mother for the umpteenth time) i looked after my first sister at the cost of my education..but it was OK as mother was paying me!! (i hope your picking up on my sarcasm here!!) i cleaned up after a baby, the pets, and mother dearest step dad and my brother and got no thanks for what i was doing, just scrutiny for going out and spending my monies on getting stoned! (GOD CAN YOU BLAME ME!?!) he strangled me, they broke up again, and got back together.. I’ve lost track of the amount of times they called the police on me over the years..they had my sister a year after they’d been married and every year after her birth around christmas step dad would up and leave, using his parents my mother his family as the reasons… 10 yrs later nothings changed!

The most recent leaving was because he said he begrudged spending his wages providing for my daughter whom mother dearest has residency of, and my brother who also resides with mother dearest scot-free.. he wanted his perfect family to himself, not including the “baggage” and the problems we bring! I half feel as if mother half wants that too but just hasn’t got the balls to say it! So the usual behaviour mother exhibited she cried, got angry, turned psycho, wanted revenge, sorted herself out and let me back in, then let him back in, and shut me out again.. and step dad is enjoying coming and going again between homes, mother dearest and step dad both still failing to see what their doing and how their disrupting their kids lives with their inconsistencies! Neither of them has stopped to think what kind of example their showing us, how their inconsistent relationship is based on their needs not the kids needs and we all just suffer the consequences of their middle-aged teenager like relationship!

Weve had mediation, family therapy and gone blue in the face trying to talk to each other to no avail…11/12 years later and we still hate each others guts, step dad still walks round the house like a huge mute oaf, and god forbid when he does acknowledge something all you get is a grunt! Turns out he’s been leading like 3 different lives portraying to his work he has a perfect home life, portraying to mother that hos work love him off and portraying to his family a totally different picture… he’s one confused person, no wonder he hates me… ive come to learn a lot of the adults in my life feel threatened by my intelligence and ability to articulate myself in ways they cannot!

But this step dad drama isn’t just limited to me, it’s becoming a widespread issue where mothers are abandoning their daughters at their peaks in puberty perhaps because they feel threatened and unable to cope with dealing with a pretty younger version of themselves, and maintaining healthy boundaries in coersion with the step dad, as they don’t even have boundaries with their own personal relationship! Mothers are neglecting their daughters when they are most vulnerable to men on the hunt.. is it any wonder there are so many young girls out here involved in domestic violence and having teenage pregnancy’s!? When this is all the unhealthy dynamics they’ve learnt from their adult role models in their lives.. the little positive influences they have are over ridden by diminished self-esteem when their parents forced them out the family home and into the cold reality they were unprepared for!

And as for the Step Dad! well it’s not just females that are carrying issues from their childhood into their adult lives, these men who are looking for a replacement mother figure and becoming increasingly common, we know men mature slower than women but it’s becoming a joke when the majority of men aged between 24-30 are still behaving like emotional teenagers, unable to cope with looking after himself let alone maintaining a healthy relationship that they’re all craving! And those who are able to deal with such pressures choose the road of being promiscuous..

Where are all the real men? Will i ever be able to find a man who’s able to provide for my daughter & I? whose family will accept us with our dysfunctional background!?

Or is this what our generation is now dealing with? are we all facing our lovely historical issues passed down through generations that men of our time are unable to deal with!? are some people choosing to ignore the patterns and live in fear of change?  Will step family’s work in this generation? or are we as women destined to become super women and raise our family’s without a mans input?

I’ll be back with some answers soon..hold tight! And do let me know what your thinking!!

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The Meeting with SS Re: Email Re: Emotional Abuse

My aunt and I attended the meeting to further discuss the email id sent:

https://helpmestopher.wordpress.com/2010/01/25/email-to-social-service-re-emotional-abuse-dynamics/

I recorded the meeting without the social worker knowing, as in previous meetings she has left out, twisted and played down matter’s I’d raised and discussed with her…this was to make sure i could prove to her superiors what really went on, incase I had to make an official complaint about her performance!

My aunt & I had to explain our relationship to each other.. we went on to discuss

In regards to the email: the social worker (SW) acknowledged the email, the concerns surrounding my daughter and the relationships between my mother, my daughter & I.

The SW went on to say they were historical issues, that had been discussed at court, and were to be addressed in therapeutic involvement. (when ever that should commence)

My point was that my mother behaves the same with me as with her other children & my daughter- Emotionally Abusive, I was then asked to explain further, where I referred to the email id sent which clearly described in detail the dynamics, I used some specifics, and again the SW said they were historical, I said its taken up until recently for me to actualize my abuse endured and break away to realise thoroughly the effects & dynamics, I spoke about counselling and enlightenment in that environment that helped, my previous psychotherapy and why I dropped out, that id needed time to reflect to digest my life, to seek the help myself, and that the environment of counselling  was more private compared to group therapy of which i was being offered, counselling once a month face to face and email contact run from a different borough in London than i lived in, id been attending a few months now as I am better at communication through writing.

i went on to say regardless of my relationship with my mother my concerns are for my child and siblings, their isolation- lack of social activities, they do nothing else but sit in the house practically rotting, I try to be proactive and get the children involved in activity’s but mother refuses on the grounds of “I can’t I’ve got no time!” The opportunity for my brother & I were sparse and now my siblings are receiving less that we did, behind closed doors its a very different picture.

Social Worker asks what I think they should do? That she has always observed mother being loving and caring.. my Aunt interrupts to back me up and give her witnessing statement of my mothers abuse, how herself and my great nan were petrified of the repercussions on my brother & I if they stood up  & spoke out, my aunt went on to speak about the family holiday how she witnessed mother giving a good at oscar winning performance but really has not changed, she behaved in a cruel manner, was critical & shouting at all the children, the children only ever smiled when outsiders stepped in to give them a break from mother! Mother’s control stretches; the children are not allowed to enjoy themselves under this pressure,how I tried to throw myself under a bus aged 9, had self harmed over the years, and again the SW says its historical, my aunt says mothers behaviours have not changed! She would not want my mother anywhere near her child/ren, the SW asked about mothers interaction with my daughter when on holiday of which my aunt replied; it was non existent other than to bark orders at her, my mother developed a strained wrist which became and issue, when my aunt offered to do some manipulation as she was a trained therapist.. mother replied “don’t touch me I’m feeling violent!”  my mother went on to call my 4yo sister leather eyes *she has chronic eczema, showed her no affection, had a constant miserable face,  mother questioned how the kids were behaving good with her but not when with mother, my aunt went on to elaborate on no one in mothers life being allowed to have a personality- my mother stamps out the life in her kids. Mother and her father my grandpa were screaming at my 4yo sister because she wanted to play, aunt stood up and challenged mothers behaviour and named her as a bully/brute, and told her about her disgusting behaviours that were not that of a loving parent!

I went on to add nobody has a right to abuse their children, any personality we try to exhibit mother squashed using humiliation and mocking amongst others a great example was music my 4yo sister is apprehensive to get involved when JLS come on tv, my sister says “its rubbish I can’t mummy says” she often now leaves the room to avoid singing or dancing to music she enjoyed because of the humiliation she’s experienced, our friendships are criticized, story’s are one-sided from mother, and how my aunt & I over last year didn’t have much contact whilst I was internalizing my life. My mother has cut me off, i now can’t talk to her, no wat can i tell her how to better improve/parent!

SW went on to say it is difficult where different generations have personalities and there are many family’s with similar issues when family’s are displaced, the idea’s and values between generations are different, neither is wrong, but it is important to sit down and talk! I added that with sexual abuse you wouldn’t encourage or force the abused person to sit down and talk so why just because its Emotional Abuse is it any different? being beaten mentally doesnt make it any less painful to discuss! The SW expressed she was in the middle acting like mediator, said that we all need to sit down and talk face to face, i agreed but said that is where mother will play on her act; and cry, the social worker cut me shot and said if i was not satisfied with contact/treatment i should go back to court? I asked the SW if we go back to court will she support me in my application for residency? as the court will order her to assess again, SW has the right to give view and say this is a case of abuse.. SW has to deal with it, the previous psychologist  assessments on my mother were not done thoroughly, the lack of a mother figure caused me to act out, it was my way of dealing and coping with how my family life was, my daughter currently had no problems reported at school, there are no signs of abuse, but if you compare my daughter to my 9yo sister you can clearly see the patters emerging! My aunt went on to say the kids behave repressed and just sat like stone’s, when you see my daughter & I’s interactions with each other it is totally different and my daughter is not like this when around mother dearest! My aunt spoke about the kids constantly in the house which is cramped with a ogress for a mother/grandmother! It’s all very well the SW writing housing letters to the council, but mother will not move because she currently has no neighbours, no one is there to report her seeing her, if she had neighbours she would loose control,and end up reported! I stated that if she has any love for her kids she would move to a bigger house and give them the space they need, but she wont! On the Nintendo WII characters i am named as satan & her husband is named as cock..is that behaviour of a normal mother? mother even bully’s her husband!

I expressed my concerns that mothers husband had moved back, that my daughter has told me, and still my mother hasn’t said anything to me, she is refusing to talk to me about it or anything else, even after she clearly knows he resents my daughter my brother & I, he had even expressed it to mother as a reason for his leaving, the same hostility i feel from him he conveys to my daughter and my daughter being 4yo should not have to endure that!

The SW said: i should talk to solicitors SS have no parental responsibility for my daughter, it is private proceedings, they have no jurisdiction, they need evidence of abuse to step in, and what my aunt & I are making are allegations, Emotional Abuse is the most difficult to prove, we r not giving hard evidence, my email of the family dynamics is not evidence, we shall all attend a child in need meeting at my daughters school to be agree;d.

I said that if you look in my daughters school reading log, the difference between my 4yo daughters and my 4yo sisters is drastic and not just down to a difference in personality! My aunt backed me up saying there is no positivity from my mother it is always negative,  I went on to add that from a young age we thought we couldn’t talk to anyone because we  were different to other people, I couldn’t relate because of what mother had instilled in me, it was only through my relationships with my aunt & great nan that they helped me to break free from abuse, SS must recognise that! I added that what is also important is that even if my daughter resided with me id still be coming to raise concern about my siblings! Everything that has happened has been because of mother dearest, SW asked if i was ready to have my daughter back full-time? I went on to say that I practically raised myself, everything around my daughter needed to happen to give me the space and perspective to actualize what is unhealthy in the dynamics and allowed me time to work on myself,  mother constantly telling me in not bonding with my daughter like she would/has, her constant undermining of my parenting plays a big part in what went wrong, im not saying i was always right but because I was abused it played a major part, and now i am ready to have my daughter back! The SW said the court will have to decide, they will look at the initial order, the psychologist reports that said i needed therapy for 2 years which was based on me being fully open with my medical history and mother withholding her medical history! If perhaps i hadn’t given mine what would have happened?! I was the focus; the question everyone asked was am i fit to have my daughter? not is my mother fit to have my daughter!? no body questioned my mother!

there was a long silence

I went on; i was said to be being hysterical, passing the buck etc. I’ve only recently broken away from mothers intensive force/control, she still controls me to a point through my daughter now, the difference’s in contact/environments between mother & I are drastic; my daughter has no room at mothers, mother has made the children have no room! through her refusal of neighbours and refusal of a move! compared to my home which is virtually limitless has space, meals baths play time is structured but natural, mothers and her kids relationships is not natural! everything with her is conditional!!

aunt speaks about phone call with my 4yo sister, when asked where mother is my sister went off to look for her to no avail and came back to the phone sounding generally scarred and vulnerable that she was unable to find mother, mother eventually came to the phone and was there, and as my aunt expressed concern to mother, mother said “oh stupid cow i was in bathroom brushing my teeth”, aunt brung her up on this over the phone and mothers usual hostile answers were replied. During the Xmas period id sprung a visit with my aunt to mothers so my aunt could do a present run, i then sidetracked in the meeting saying that mother no longer trusted me because I spoke to my aunt after the return from the family holiday, how mother undermines every relationship/friendship and that was a classic example, so my aunt came to house and when they saw she was there the kids didn’t know how to respond, they looked to mother for permission, now normally kids r spontaneous, but her kids(my siblings) freeze up, i went on to say how mother openly talks about problems in front of the kids, and exposes them to adult issues!

SW asks obviously problems have been going on, and that I’ve noticed them for a while and why have I not said anything before?

I replied that I’ve been coming here since I was 15 for help! Nobody thought/took me as serious and looked at it as just a battle between mother & I with my daughter now being used as a pawn, my aunt stepped in to clarify it’s not a battle, I’m articulate and can convey my abuse now I’ve broken away from her abuse, i added that to a point mother had me believing what she was saying, that things had changed until till she let me fully in and I saw the whole time we were in court I didn’t actually know her, mother had kept her life a secret and portraying to everyone else it was perfect, her husband was still in and out, the kids were kids up wall, and that she doesn’t talk to the SS honestly as how is she going to explain herself? that her husband resents my daughter and my brother and is not interacting with them in a positive way, only doing so with his kids, how is mother going to tell SS this is going on under her roof? when it makes her look bad! she will do everything in her power to make sure she has rosy picture of her life painted. Her friends have upped and left, and aunt clarifies friends have left because of how she treats her kids, my daughters god fathers mother i confided in once said she doesn’t know what to do  mother is a law unto herself! My aunt went on to say when my 9yo sister was little mother told her to shut your face (to my sister who was then a baby) and mothers same friend stepped in and pulled her up on it, i  gave a further example about my brothers gf who had a conversation with mother about mother’s husband, where mother asked her advise on the situation, of which she shared her opinion and after she had finished mother replied “ah i don’t even know why I asked you anyway just shut your mouth b4 i pull out your weave”, my brother was in room, and did nothing, my aunt also said a similar thing had occurred on the family holiday, i went on to add that my brother had been kicked out for speaking out for his betrayal, that he is still tied and involved in the unhealthy living environment now he moved back, we can’t have a relationship because when mother finds out she crushes it immediately, and uses the “oh you’ll end up like your sister” line, I point out their isn’t anything wrong with me apart (aunt agrees) from the fact I’ve had a mother like her, I’ve got good social settings & boundaries, and that I can’t go forward in my life because of what is still going on, I’ve been coming here since i was 15 asking for help! what is it going to take?  The SW said she is aware of  the historical concerns she doesn’t want to discuss them as its been addressed in the past,  i went on to say i know its hard to prove emotional abuse, but regardless of however hard it is to identify something needs to be done, The SW said she undertakes regular observations, meetings, talks to the children during home visits, the school and health visitor non of which have raised any concerns, i added that the SW doing this makes it 100x worse at home for the children, their only outlets are school they embrace it and the kids are so grateful to be away from her and they make full advantage of this, when SW speaks to mum she deals with it on the front, but behind scenes it’s a totally different matter, in the meetings mother erupts then cry’s and gives the doting mother role, she doesn’t believe anything is actually wrong with her parenting! she’s actually a sick person! she don’t realise what she is doing!

SW went on to say we can’t use the word sick as mother needs to be diagnosed by a professional, aunt says she’s studied psychology and can say she is a sick woman, as did SW but no one unless qualified can give a diagnosis! I spoke about my friends views of my mum and their expressions that they don’t know how I deal with her because she’s mental, and for my friends to say that it does mean something!

I addressed my daughters nail-biting,  that when i questioned her said she does it when she gets angry about nanny, nanny shouts we can’t play and she mumbled on, i expressed that i thought this case of nail-biting is not a habit it is self harm! when my daughter can clearly express she relates it to being angry, and that we read books that cover emotions so my daughter is well aware and knows about emotions.

SW commends me on dealing with my daughters questions of her dads whereabouts, I elaborated, and spoke about dynamics of daddy and how long it will be acceptable for daddy to be naughty!? SW asks if there is any news on daddy, i elaborate further and say how mother was using him against me, i suffered domestic violence at his hands and fought to get him out of my daughters & I’s lives for a good reason! mother making him involved again was disgusting, she didn’t speak out that i had fought against him and his abusive ways and she brung an abuser back into our lives! mother put my daughter & I at risk again.. the past year we’ve been in and out of court helping/making him build a relationship with our daughter for absolutely nothing! He had the right when we went through the courts in the DV case where the judge made it very clear to him what he should do in regards to contact, but he wanted everything handed to him on a plate, and mother used him as a player against me, when what it should have been about  is providing my daughter with a safe environment and mother did not do that when she let the abuser walk back into our lives!

SW asks about scheduling a child in need meeting at school at a convenient time.

Regarding this meeting she will discuss it with her with manager and decided if assessment needs to happen, but again if I’m not happy with the care my mother is providing I need to take her back to court and see my solicitor.

I asked what happens if yes/no to assessment, SW replies the school meeting gets scheduled and we  and go from there she can tell me more after they decided what to do.

Aunt reinstated it’s not a battle! it’s about vulnerable children, and protecting them, we speak briefly about eating disorders in relation to my 9yo sister and the SW agree’d my sister does have a problem, she further asks about my daughters eating pattern, and we discuss that she has a few picky habits but is otherwise a healthy eater! I pointed out that my baby sister when you pick her up does not engage with you in close proximity and only does so at a distance, SW noted the same thing, but could not say whether it was a concern or not and asked if their was anything else i wanted to discuss…

I asked if the SS could force mother move house- SW has talked and done supporting letters on behalf of mother to the council about the house conditions, aunt and I speak about cramped conditions the dog- how if mother can’t have no more kids she will over run her house with animals! I joked and asked when is the next baby coming!? adding Mothers husband is back- SW ‘speculates and says he’s not living there but if he is he has a right to be as he is her husband! Again i add if my house was mouldy and small id move regardless to better my family’s lives!  when my daughter was with me over the holidays she was fine, she went back to mothers for 2 days and got sick, and conveniently she’s sick and has a disrupted sleeping routine, i add that if mother and I can’t build and work together on her routine its forever gonna be disrupted, always my fault and mother will never talk to me about it or acknowledge she needs to take some responsibility, when she wont take responsibility for me when i was 9/10 is same thing gonna happen to my 9yo sister soon!? how many years down line until this pattern of behaviour is impacted on my 4yo sister and 4yo daughter? this pattern of behaviour has to stop! she had to take responsibility & talk to me!

SW asks if I’m going back to court yet? I say it’s not about me going back to court it depends on SS as well, SW says no it’s not down to them, I say my solicitors advise can only do so much as bringing it back to court will not address my mum or her stop her abusing her kids its SS that have to stop her stop the abuse! SS should have done it a long time ago- SW agrees, I add that if they don’t what does it say about SS? what are they showing/providing the next generation? they will be letting down all the kids of society that are not articulate enough to actualize what’s going on- that they are being abused! aunt adds that when SW addresses mother, mother will deny it! SW says mother will no undoubtedly disclose information about me that SW will need to discuss with me, SW restated she will speak with mother and her manager and get meeting at school arranged and contact me, my aunt and I add that everyday that goes by it gets worse for the kids, however the SS handle this its going to have repercussions on my contact and effect the relationships between us all and that it needs to be handled carefully!

SW asks about next weekend, my contact with my daughter and if mother has or is addressing it, i say she refuses to talk to me about it, mother wont talk about me because i talk to my aunt and uses the can’t trust me issue, how i can’t be trusted, mother has blown out all previous thoughts/agreements on sleepover with sisters etc. different contacts between us all, but now I’m not allowed because she can’t trust me because I may let my aunt see them, i add that my aunt is not dangerous! what the hell.. ?! mother doesn’t like my aunt because she shows us the real world, and loves us, but mother doesn’t like this as it threatens her world she has created! I say about how I tried to hug mother once and she pushed me away, SW jumps in and notes about mother hugging her kids & grand-daughter, where I add she does show us affection but uses it against us she is all they know in terms of love, mother burys her head in men and didn’t nurture us as any loving capable parent would, her love wasn’t unconditional it was always conditional and had a cost attached. The meeting draws to a close and SW says she will call to arrange meeting with school…..meeting over!

What do you make of all of this?! Because I’m actually getting sick of typing now! LOL 😉 XXX

Email to Social Service Re: Emotional Abuse Dynamics

I sat down with my laptop and some nice outlines id found online on the varying dynamics of Emotional Abuse, and began to use that structure to break down patterns of behaviour within my own family dynamics, using key examples of my own abuse to bring attention to the severity of what goes on on a deeper emotional level where your abuse stems from birth! The repercussions it had on my life, my siblings lives and now my daughters life, how the historical chain of abuse within my family is being forced to be broken through my own strength and unfortunate circumstances.

The email read as this (names have been omitted):

Dear social worker, I know we haven’t touched base in a while, seemingly haven’t had much to talk about as the past 6 months or so I’ve been doing A LOT of reflecting, on my life, patterns of behaviours, parenting and various others. I end up in a vicious circle that finishes with my Mother, there’s no easy way of explaining what I’m trying to get across to you but I hope that you can understand why most of all, so my spiral from present to past finishes with my mother. The Emotional Abuse I have suffered at her unknowing hands, since being a child and old enough to acknowledge that how my life was, was based on fear games and a dream world, that I created to save myself from the despair of reality and how my childhood was in reality, throughout my mothers constant belittling comments, threats, criticisms, fits of rage, and incessant trips to the doctors for yet another illness (invention of my mother’s hysterical mind), was my hope that I could change and be better for her, be who she wanted me to be, make her proud of me when in fact I was just trying to be a child. I’ve come to learn that NOTHING was or is ever good enough for her, everything that has gone wrong in our relationship has been my fault, as she puts it; “she did her best given her circumstances” which I don’t doubt, what I doubt was and still is her ability to parent me and now my siblings appropriately, she is I believe a disturbed woman who has given me the worst example of a parent!
My mother managed to always keep the level of passive abuse towards everyone in her life at a low level on our aggression thresh holds, she ensures it remains below the observers aggression threshold especially in cases of public or ambient situations where her abuse may be picked up on. By doing this she has ensured she can continue to mentally and emotionally abuse us so that we are unsure of how to respond normally, I speak in terms of “we-us” as I’m referring to my siblings, other members of my family, friends, associates and you the professionals.
Once my Mother had us involved on the level where she could abuse us on this scale and were within her grasp/had been sucked in she could then drop her mask in surroundings/company where she felt comfortable and uncontrollable mostly in private behind closed doors.
Years of low-level abuse destroyed my self-esteem, her constant words of ” we are not like other people, we are different, normal people don’t understand us” had me sucked in. I felt that I couldn’t turn to anyone for help, as I didn’t even believe I needed help! I believed every word my mother told me from a young age as any child would.
My only other influences were my Great Grandmother and Aunt the only two other people who showed me the love that has got me free of my mothers grasp to this day. My Father who was also one of my mother’s victims drowned himself in alcohol and drugs to escape what and who he was involved with, and perhaps what he had brought his 2 children into (my brother and me). His volatility was not helped by my mother’s incessant need to control and humiliate him, and the two together did not mix well, he was unable to help us as she abused him too. My Father was brought up to be the provider and from a stereotypical Asian background where the female played a very traditional housewife role, however due to my mother being emotionally scarred from her dysfunctional childhood at a young age, which manifested itself in her adaptation of her fathers parenting where this controlling, cruel, damaging almost narcissistic nature stems from.
Having my Gt Grandmother and Aunt there to help me through as a haven/sanctuary away from my mothers abuse has been the single ray of hope to keep me going, which helped me develop my low/high aggression threshold. I began to realize and develop my own ideas of and challenging my mother.
She has continued to pitch her abuse in such a way that no individual incident has been serious enough to merit investigation or cause for concern from a G.P./Teacher/Friend etc. and when I began to complain about something so seemingly trivial I was made to seem purulent and churlish and elicited little sympathy from those around me bar my Gt Grandmother and Auntl, who were sympathetic and understood where I was coming from.
My mother’s cumulative effect of constant low level abuse over my entire life as you know had been and still is severally damaging, “tree roots can bring down a wall if left to grow”. On many occasions when my Grandmother or Aunt challenged my mother on this and her inappropriate behaviour towards my brother and I her “victim/martyr/helpless” mode would kick in. They were afraid they would be barred from seeing my brother and me.  This is CRUCIAL in her passive-aggressive attack, to be able to attack without us being able to retaliate and without anyone else thinking anything is wrong, this results in frequent realisation of what she has done some while after the actual attack has been committed, and the opportunity to retaliate has passed, adding to the low level tactics enforcement. If at times we did realise we found it very difficult to prove as the snide comments, looks, body language were readable by those who were victim to it, and no one else could/can see it. My mother had a reputation of being unimpeachable of character and managed to manipulate things behind the scenes, so no one would believe it, she is capable of public open acts of kindness and privately slanders us, however over the years her behaviour has become more desperate and obscene in methods of slander, by blatant comments like “I don’t know why you’re her friend she did blah blah” where “blah blah” being something deeply private relating to our personal conflicts which she now uses against me.(dishing dirt) She does it so blatantly now so to provoke a public reaction to fund her character assassination of us, but on a scale where the other party has no idea as to the reality and truth of the situation. Until as I’ve done in the past and reacted, which leads to both parties not being taken seriously and the 3rd party believing we are paranoid/delusional or my mothers most favourite “Attention Seeking” as conveniently she’s already had me labelled with ADHD.
This is all about circumventing retaliation, persecuting us with impunity, we know we are being attacked, but don’t know what to do about it and have no credibility should we attempt to come forward, which is why my brother has not spoken out, he never had the security from anyone to build his confidence enough to break free as my Mother had total domination over him preventing him from forging a deep bond with me, my Gt Grandmother and Aunt. He was on the other side of The “Vs War” my Gt Grandmother, Aunt and I VS Mother and brother, with my Father trying to assert his role to no avail.
This kind of harassment had left me extremely psychologically distressed at a young age especially between the ages of 9-16. I have endured this for years with my G.P. prescribing anti-depressants, and no one ever getting to the root cause; my Mother.
My mother managed to undermine every other relationship in my life between my family and friends, please see below what I found to be a perfect structure as to what my mother does:

You are in a group with two other people, A and B. If you want to establish a dominant position for yourself within the group,
there are three things you can do:
1 Establish a strong relationship with A
2 Establish a strong relationship with B
3 Create enmity between A and B The first two items do not necessarily mean becoming good friends; it does not have to be a warm relationship.
It just needs to be a relationship, which allows you to influence that person.
It could be a relationship of dominance and intimidation, or it could be one of warmth and trust.
The important thing is that you are in a position to influence that person’s actions and opinions.
Item 3 prevents any possible rival power bloc from emerging. This one is interesting enough to look at in more detail.
It is not necessary that A and B become full-blown enemies; the important thing is that they do not become staunch allies.
A vague mutual distrust and suspicion is enough.
Any emergent relationship between A and B needs to be undermined, and this mutual distrust between them needs to be maintained.
Many of the techniques outlined here are useful in attempting to undermine other people’s relationships.
The most generally useful one is probably vicious gossip.
If you constantly drip-feed negative information about B, and vice versa, you will prevent them from trusting or respecting each other.
However, in order to achieve this, you need to have negative information to pass on.
An important use of this in larger groups is to create conflicts between people who might otherwise compare notes and cross-reference evidence against you.

My Mother’s only interest in our lives is mainly negative; as a result the only things I’ve ever really talked to my mother about have been the bad experiences. She has never fully seen the good side of me and because of this she has an abundance of ‘dirt’ on me and manages to capitalise on my mistakes and misfortunes, anything unfortunate or deemed as socially construed she always exaggerates things for maximum effect.
She specialises in public ridicule of me as a form of deflection ensuring her reputation is as intact as she wishes, hence why I’ve never been able to trust her.
She has always made sure no one empathises with me she has always painted the picture that I deserved it and it was my own fault/rod for my back. Using my siblings against me is another tactic of hers, and the reason why I’ve never had a healthy relationship with my brother. Under her rules we were never allowed to (divide and rule), I would have made him my ally in her eyes and she uses her children as excuses for her not to do positive things. This is a very pernicious and simple avoidance tactic, and also an opportunity role to play; the ‘doting’ Mother who tries/does her best, which sometimes even has me fooled still to this day! She will be very welcoming and make you feel as if you are building bridges lulling one into a false sense of security, all the while we are on her rope waiting to be hung till she has what she wants/needs; some form of inappropriate self disclosure, sometimes even asking direct blatant questions.
This is also where her exaggerated one-sided story telling, or rather as I see it concocting story telling where she will tell only one half of the story; (her side) and paints the opposite party as the ogre/person in the wrong etc. part of the vicious circle. She truly believes she is right and the rest of the world is wrong.
I can give you numerous examples because NOW I understand how she works on a much deeper level than she even understands herself. I really believe she is a sick person and the time is imminent for her to receive professional help and must be prevented from abusing her children in the ways she has and is still abusing my siblings and I.
Now she controls her husband and uses others around her as her allies.
Verbal abuse or verbal put downs, blame and castigation have NO place in a loving relationship, whether we are actually responsible or not, my mother has no boundaries behind closed doors and an even lower tolerance level to her self made situation, where she buries herself playing Mother/wife and doesn’t have to look at herself for she is always busy bothering us and constantly criticizing us.
She doesn’t see that she has conditioned us as reflections of the un addressed issues of herself. The life she has subjected us and doomed us to. My siblings have very few people left to turn to, who are emotionally and mentally aware of what goes on. My fear is that should you not help or intervene somehow they too will continue to be subjected to the same level of abuse if not worse. I have witnessed their confidence and choices already being affected so obviously by my mothers behaviour and I have noted they are going through exactly what I went through but they have no way to escape as my mother is keeping them all effectively trapped, isolated and living in fear. You can see this through the emotional strings she has with the children, my sisters sleeping in her bed well past the age they should be, the constant fight amongst each other for attention, their feeding of dirt on one another “grassing”, the list is endless.

I also need to speak with you about the following issues:

1: Step Fathers return to live at the family home and the impacts of this on my daughter.
2: my daughters nail biting when with my mother and expression that she does it when angry.
3: my daughters questioning about her father and why he is always busy.
4: Contact with my siblings outside of my mother’s supervision.
5: Housing Conditions that my daughter and my siblings live under, i.e. Damp/Mould overcrowding & Risk Factors.

I understand this is a lot for you to take in, it has taken a lot of actualization to come to terms with my past and I’ve taken big steps onto the road of healing and undoing a lot of the damage my upbringing has caused, as you know I work a lot faster than most..Part of this process is asking for your help to rectify my dysfunctional family to stop any further abuse taking place, as I’ve been asking for since I was 15 years old! Enough is enough.
This is a very basic breakdown of my mothers parenting, using myself as the example, I have countless examples of how her behaviour affects, ALL of my siblings, and every other relationship with people outside of the immediate family circle, Past and present.
I’ve kept it basic and simple as you have our history in case files and should be able to spot the examples of abuse right under your nose within this case, if that isn’t enough then I will gladly give you example after example to clarify further.
I hope you will not see this as an attack on my mother, or as I’ve been told before another case of me passing the blame to my mother, as it is not; I genuinely need yourself and my mother to realise what she has done/is still doing to her children, my mother was responsible for me until the age of legally 18 however she failed to provide me with the emotional stability I needed as a child, my behaviours were not wholly my fault and were reactions and manifestations of the abuse I suffered at her hands; that I am not responsible for! I no longer allow myself to carry the blame for my mothers lack of parenting, I’m able to acknowledge what has/is happen/ed/ing and its about time my mother acknowledged this and the fact it is now effecting all her children AND her grandchild also, and made positive steps towards changing.

I look forward to meeting with you on the 12/01/10 to address these matters.

Yours

……………………

I then attended a meeting with my case social worker and my aunt, where I raised my concerns of my Emotionally Abusive mother further discussed this email and my aunt and I gave the social worker countless examples of the abuse that entails/ed.

The meeting is addressed in my next post.

I hope that this will be of help for many out here living with emotional abuse, and give you the strength to stand up and speak out about what you are going through, that is key to defeating and forcing social services in the U.K to deal with this form of abuse in the way that the U.S has been for many years now!

Update’s Progress & Expected Drama!

OK so I only just got my laptop back running after 2 weeks of hell without a charger! without money to buy a new house phone or to top up the mobile to call and get a replacement charger… until this week when i sold my old mobile for £25 to save my hide and hey presto 3 days later my new charger lands in… it felt like a war zone without my laptop let me tell you!

So in the space of a few weeks literally since my new year holiday stint with my daughter, communication between mother dearest and I has ground to an abrupt halt! with her stating i f**ked up the bedtime routine (she forgets every kids routine gets messy in the holidays!) and now she has to pick up the pieces, so my first weekend into Jan ‘010 we had no contact, i was going up the wall and double whammy; i had the meeting with the social worker(SW) to talk through my Emotional Abuse discovery, my aunt sat in and backed me 100% giving her side as the older sibling to mother dearest, i thought my “allegations” as the SW had put it were being taken seriously.. ill write a separate post on that whole situation for you to read thoroughly (as I’m a firm believer of seeing the whole picture to fully understand!) but as it turned out over the course of that week my “allegations” were part of a red tape area not even the SW seems to know how to deal with and so are piss in the wind on the grand scale of things! So I’m going up the wall trying to run my life from my blackberry (GOD SAVE BLACKBERRY!!) with no credit and purely email MSN and BBM as communication gateways! i managed to do it somehow.. i argued with the SW about her incompetence to safeguard my daughter and my siblings from an abuser, i cried to my doctor and scared myself i cried so much! especially when she told me she had waited 20 odd years for me to come to her with this! she apologised for the system that has let me and my family down and expressed her own experience dealing with Emotional Abuse herself and gave me her 100% backing in court or with the SW etc.. I CANT TELL YOU HOW GOOD IT FELT TO HAVE SOMEONE TELL ME I WASN’T MAD! tell me it wasn’t in my head, tell me id done/was doing a fantastic job by fighting on as i have, and to tell me i had GOT THIS FAR AS I WAS AN HONEST GOOD LOVING PERSON!

*feels the tears welling up again*

Its taken just 1 professional to give me a hand, the time and compassion through her own experiences to give me that added bit of strength to raise the level of which im fighting on, to reassure me.

So weekend rolled past, on to the next weekend and again mother dearest still hasn’t fixed the routine single-handedly, still wont acknowledge we both need to work on the routine together, now wont talk to me about anything to do with her life as “she doesn’t have to justify anything to me” as she puts it.. her husband/the step dad is also back in the picture.. so much for her “divorce” i can’t help but feel so played by mother dearest as i tried so hard to help her on that front and its all wasted energy! I’m still having on/off phone calls with the useless SW who’s telling me she is there simply to recommend and she can’t enforce any change, as there is not evidence of abuse.. and as proceedings are private all she can recommend me to do is take my mother back to court! and/or write a complaint to her manager if im unhappy with her advise! She advised me that i had no grounds to take my child from my mothers care regardless of our verbal agreements over contact as previously agreed in court as my mother would be well within her rights having residency to call the police on me and have me arrested!! So miraculously this second weekend after i threw mother dearest the back to court line, she agreed to let me have a 9.30am-5pm Saturday contact with my daughter, i also had a phone call with her the day before where my daughter asked” why is nanny going to call the police on you mummy if you come to nanny;s house? why don’t you like nanny?” my explanations were not to worry about grown up things, i do like nanny but we have some things to sort out that makes nanny be a bit silly sometimes, no police are coming to take anyone away and that I’d see her tomorrow… she wanted to talk to me about something but i could tell someone was hawking her call to me, mother dearest had already snatched the phone from her and hurled a load of abuse at me mid conversation that actually she had told my 9yr old sister that i may come round and “kick off” and how she would probably have to call the police on me and in fact it was my sister who told my daughter that our mother would call the police on me! (if that isn’t some form of manipulation i don’t know what is!?)

The list of endless stories and their depths goes on and on..to the point now where apparently my daughter has no time in her schedule to see me, mother dearest wants me out of her life in one breath and in the next says my contact can go back to normal once she has reinstalled the bedtime routine.. neither of which i believe! My daughter gave me more concerns during out short visit of my mother’s husband and his reappearance back in the family home and also her new extra curricular clubs she will be soon participating in, street dance and netball although “nanny says street dance isn’t real and don’t tell mummy” I LOVE MY DAUGHTER!! so the concerns went to the SW in yet another email.. I’ve yet to hear from. I wrote a complaint to the director of Social Services who is investigating.. unbeknown to them i did in fact record the entire meeting in regards to the Emotional Abuse and cannot wait to see the SW’s notes so i can slap the recording in all their faces and finally prove her incompetence!

I’m actually starting to get somewhere with my methods, its sad that I’m now recording every conversation/meeting with mother dearest and the SW but i really have no other way of proving what is going on without seeming petty. i just really hope this director knows what im aiming for and can help me stand to raise attention to this overlooked social issue that is Emotional Abuse and stand with me to get mother dearest the help she and so many other dysfunctional parents need!

I now have a meeting scheduled next week for all the parties to meet with my daughters school teacher to talk about whether the school has noticed any signs of EA in her.. the plot thickens!

I wonder what mother dearest is going to throw at me out of her pot tomorrow? You shall be the first to know!