Daddy Drama

So tonight my daughter asked me “why is daddy always busy?” you see mother dearest and I had to tell her he was busy when she once asked when she was going to see him, she seemed satisfied with that until tonight… you can tell when your child has something bothering them, and 4 is an age where they can converse clearly about how they feel, now theirs no easy answer to a child when they enquire why one of their parents is absent, and treading so carefully so not to damage their self-esteem is crucial, i don’t want to turn my daughter against her father, to resent him and to feel let down by him, even though he is a complete arse! He will have to live with himself for the next 6-8 years until she comes to find him and ask her himself why he wasnt there for her!

And so i said “Daddy is always busy because he’s naughty, and naughty people get told off by bigger people and like u have the naughty chair, daddy has a naughty place where he has to go when he is naughty, but daddy still loves you a lot and misses you very much, and when daddy is being good again then he will be able to see you, but that may not be for a very long time, but you have lots of people who love you.. (and i named names of friends and relatives) so until then we can allow them to love you.. and i think they are very good at loving you don’t you?!” my daughter nodded her head, and then changed the subject and her attention to the music she wanted on before bed.

My heart broke for her, i had failed as her mother by not giving her the best example in the book of fathers! I knew when i decided to continue my pregnancy and have her that things would be tough, and regardless of his temperamental attitude to having children, i would raise her to be a healthy beautiful young woman.. i never expected to feel so shit! Every time her dad and I had argued, fought and cursed each other before and after her birth i had been filled with ideals on how our lives were and how they were to be in the future ….so naive!! I never thought my own parenting or lack of being parented properly would affect her life in the ways in which it has, and i guess that doesn’t help my resentment towards my own parents! But what it does do is make me even more determined to fix things, ive always been a “FIXER” be it; DIY, friendships, relationships, gestures of kindness, i do things wholeheartedly and a lot of the time selflessly.. perhaps this has been my downfall?

But there does come a time where the line gets drawn, and that line was drawn when my daughters father chose to spit in my face, curse me, our child, my family, threaten our lives (he continues to do so) pin me down and ram my head into his wooden hall flooring, when he broke into my hostel and ransacked it leaving with just a few photo’s of our daughter, when he continually stalked me and used people we both knew locally as informants on my whereabouts, when the fights were so physical i wouldn’t be able to hold my daughter due to sprained wrists or bruising, when wearing make up became obsessive because i didn’t want people to see the dark circles under my eyes, scratches and bruises he’d caused, and wounds that i had self harmed due to dealing with all of this. Fighting back despite my mother’s comments that i should be grateful i had him, as he treated me well, and that i deserved what i got as id probably pissed him off (like how i piss her off) and i should just accept the fact he hit me.. a few times.. I should have learnt my lesson and when to shut my mouth! So i ran the charge of common assault through his local borough’s court under the guidance of the special Domestic Violence Team, i felt as if finally i was getting my life back! They took into account every incident that i had reported to the police to do with him, and those of which i didn’t report, He was charged and ordered to pay me compensation of £75 and to attend an 18 month Integrated Domestic Violence Program (IDAP) failure to do so would result in imprisonment, and had conditions attached that he not come within 200 yds of me- given we lived locally to each other. I could finally walk down my high street and not fear bumping into him, or constantly looking over my shoulder, jumping every time my buzzer went.

I could now leave pictures round my hostel instead of locking them away from him, it may seem petty but i told him once when i was pregnant at my first scan the day after my nan died that if he ever made me feel like a piece of shit on his shoe again (he had cussed me at 8am rush hour at the bus stop on the way to the scan, and told me to go suck my dirty dead great nan for making him get up this early to see the scan of a yout(slang for child/baby/offspring)  he didn’t even want) that i would do everything in my power to make sure he never saw his daughter again, and after his mother denounced any contact with our daughter, i never allowed him any photographs of our daughter, thinking if he loved her and cared he would stay in her life to see her as what parent needs a picture to remember what their childs face looks like?! It was the small principles like this that got me through, and you know the rest of the story from reading my older posts how he came back into our lives via Mother Dearest! And now is due to go to jail for a minimum of 5 years, due to his drug dealing!

2 years on I now live in my ground floor flat, thats 5 mins away from his family home, i don’t jump when i hear the buzzer, and i don’t quake in my boots when i see him, and i can look into my daughters eyes and dilute the truth about Daddy.. i do it for her sake! I know the damage it would cause her self-esteem and i really wonder why other parents can’t see that slandering the other missing parent is so detrimental to the childs health!

I’m readily prepared for the days she gets older and the dilutions don’t work, when she has more questions about Daddy and his whereabouts, and demands answers! When she hits her teens and cusses me for giving her a useless father! But i know that we will always be able to sit and talk to each other about how we feel, we do it every night before she goes to bed, i ask her if she has any questions she would like to ask mummy tonight? the most important thing is thats she’s always satisfied with my answers… i guess im doing something right!!

Some parents don’t talk to their children about family issues and sweep it under the carpet, others overly expose their children to the crudities this world brings at a very young age, both ways effect the child and your relationship with them, be it they think you lied to them so many years, or took away their childhood forcing them to deal with adult emotions in so lose their innocence, i like to think ive got the balance fairly right in a 21st century way, ive managed to reassure her esteem and give her an answer suitable to a 4 y.o. ability of understanding! As a child myself who saw both parents run so far into the ground they may aswell have been 6 ft under i know the detrimental effect it has on you and your entire life! It makes me really sad to see so many people making those big mistakes that are going to cost them the relationships with their children eventually, what will it take for some parents to open their eyes?


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Nursing Home Abuse – What You Must Know | My Personal Finance Blog
  2. roulette system
    Jan 10, 2010 @ 22:41:17

    Sometimes it’s really that simple, isn’t it? I feel a little stupid for not thinking of this myself/earlier, though.


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