Childhood Gut Manifestations

So suddenly its been dawning on me over the past few days that the last bit of control i have in my life is FOOD.  The first thing i experienced after birth; from my mother- breast milk, how i learnt my first lesson in control, i cry i get the boob- only as i got older it began to not work.. i was apparently breastfed till i was 2 when my mother became expecting with my brother, although i was weaned onto solids from about 1 yr, now seeing how my mother has breastfed my 3 sisters and how her lack of ability to stop controls my sisters now their older and still controls me through my own eating habits, ive never been diagnosed with an eating disorder but wouldn’t be surprised if i did have one.. the sheer fact ive always been healthy and had more pressing issues on my mind probably never let the psychiatrists ive seen even think about that subject! I go through binges and have tried to find the cause, be it hormonal.. something to do with moon phases.. poor diet, to no avail!

My 9 y.o. sister only eats meat rice and pasta and seldom sweetcorn, out of all of my siblings she’s got it the hardest with food.. i tried to get her to eat ketchup once and its squirted on her foot where she then had a panic attack and mother had to wash it off.. she has a different dad to my brother and i and his genetics arnt petite so she’s predisposed to high cholesterol and obesity runs in his family.. how my brother urged my mum to feed her more than pies and croquettes when she was 2, but we went unheard and dismissed, and now my 9 y.0 sister is a size 12… bigger than me and a bag of nerves. My 4 y.o. sister eats everything and is labelled as the weird child, she has really bad eczema and mother dearest calls her Leather eyes- craggy skin- dry bones.. she is due to see the dietician and allergist soon.

The only thing that does make sence is that i use it to control myself, i only do this with boyfriends/close partners, i have this general feeling of guilt that i get when they are feeding me, and i mean in terms of buying the food, if were in a supermarket, restaurant or take away, i all of a sudden get this impending feeling that i don’t want to eat, and end up causing an argument because were clearly both hungry, yet to them for some unknown reason im suddenly in protest about eating! I feel that if they feed me i will owe them something, or be stressed out over dinner by their manners, and the only way i can make it up to the person is with sex, and it spirals on into; if i force myself to have sex with them im going to feel more used, and then i feel its my right to eat.. how i relate it to sex i have no idea, perhaps thats the only thing i feel im good at/worth? But i know ive more quality to give than that! Where my mother comes into this is that from a young age mealtimes were always difficult, i hardly ate as a young child till i hit 7, and mealtimes were always on edge incase mother had cooked something dad didnt like, or if my brother and i chewed our food too loud; mother would go mad telling us we ate like animals, i can recall not eating toast and opting for cereal which I’d leave to go soggy before i ate it as the crunching drove my mum mental first thing in the morning! And how after id be scrutinised or sent to my room.. perhaps thats why i make meal times so structured nowadays with my own daughter, and why my table manners are immaculate!

Some men i avoid eating with totally, Neanderthal table manners have been a frequent cause of me suddenly being put off my meal.. and watching him eat thinking  to myself “I want to stab that fork down your throat you pig!” or ive dished up and before ive even sat down he’s tucked in.. i add im not one of those wash up before i eat types either, i just think its common courtesy to wait till everyone is seated and we eat together! Only one of my friends i ever had this problem with, and as a collective we brought him up on his rudeness! Which was quite funny as him being the only fully english white male in the group he openly admitted to not giving a shit when it came to food.. and the rest of our bunch being of mixed heritage/of some ethnic culture being totally appalled by this! So we always dished him up last regardless!

I’m fine with all my other friends and social situations, and i have no other qualms about eating or cooking food in general, in fact i love cooking!! It’s just with very close male partners, I don’t eat with my family anymore, as ive distanced myself from them almost entirely.. bar my aunt.. needless to say my family eat like Animals!

I do  find some weeks ill be ravenous and can eat like a pig and then for a few weeks ill live off hardly anything and then a binge week will come back! I’ve tried diets to regulate my eating habits, and even seen a dietician as ive got food allergy’s.. non of which has helped stabilize that bingeing pattern.. i guess i have to actualize certain things about myself and my life before things iron out in my diet? I’m not medically overweight im 5′ 7″ and 10 st.. i did the Cambridge diet a few months ago and hit 8 st 13 lbs and was still a size 10… i couldn’t work that one out, but figure i must be a boned size 10 and not ment to be any smaller for a reason! god knows ive always wanted to hit a size 8 but now realise that would be physically impossible and id have no bum and my already deflated mamma boobs will be even more shrivelled!

I’m still waiting for a boyfriend/partner whom im able to eat comfortably with, a lot of tolerance and realisation has to come from myself i understand with time and healing.. but he’s also gonna need to be creative about mealtimes coz i NEED someone with imagination who is quirky! And i know im not the only female out who has issues with men being boring!

Until then my solitary dining goes on..


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