Christmas Tidings New Year & The Memories It Brings..

This year seems to be no different to the rest…one thing is the same thats for sure; Mother Dearest..and her incessant negativity, we see it coming every year as soon as september hits, a general unease hits her family house as everyone starts to wonder when she’s gonna kick off about not celebrating Christmas, it being a load of bollocks and how HER kids wont be getting no presents let alone celebrating it! The usual arguments start between us, me fighting to keep some festivity in my siblings need these things in their childhood, When did she become so evil?! My brother and I even had christmas when we were little, can you actually grow out of Xmas? Ok so from a young age we knew Santa wasnt real.. i can recall shattering my friends dreams in year 1/2 of primary school…I must have been about 6? It was always a debate if we were spending it at our Great Nan’s if she was staging a protest to go to the cousins, if we were going to the cousins? God knows we went one year to my great aunts…WOW did I have fun with my cousins..but WOW did mother ruin the fun!! And Great Nans was only on the table if mother was actually speaking to her.. as usual I was stuck in the middle, my brother didn’t care he was always under mothers wing and rarely ever took my side..he was too young and vunerable..mother played on that and loved it! One Xmas when we were a bit older, we spent it with 2 of our friends, mother went to school with theirs back in the day and we’d all agreed on a junk food Christmas! we played monopoly and it was one of the few good ones we had!

It was always around Christmas Mother’s husband- the step dad, would decide to leave her.. combine that and the fact Mothers mum died around Xmas and its no wonder we’ve never had an amazing time! She could never put that aside just for one day, as much as she insisted it didn’t bother her..deep down it clearly does! One of those breakdown Christmas’s when the husband had left her, it was by far the biggest breakdown she’d ever had.. Samaritans was my saviour and hers, as she sat for days just rocking on the sofa, my brother and I taking my little sister to my brother and I decided to send her to visit her friend in Cornwall, so we packed her off with my 1 sister at the time, who was about 3/4 y.o to go get away and get her head together, I was about 15/16 and my brother a couple years younger, he cooked dinner as i got sick, and we had our wafe and stray friends over too..a couple of mothers friends dropped in to join us for a bit and make sure we hadn’t burnt the house down!! Mother returned after Xmas with her head semi sorted out.. to only let the asshole husband back again; “Her marriage – Her Rules”.. the saga continues till this day!

2006 was the Christmas I drew the christmas took me 4 hours, and the majority of presents came from my Dad and mother dearest Granny friend, I stuck it to the porch door and strategically placed the presents in front, this was because Scrooge mother had really not wanted to do christmas, and at the last-minute id convinced her!

2007 funnily enough I don’t remember much of, I know it was the year my daughter had gone to live with mother dearest, and id had a termination in the november, im pretty sure that year id spent it at Dad’s with his mum and my daughter wasnt allowed to come- chaperone brother wasnt driving then and mother dearest was being prime bitch.. think i spent most of that christmas drunk in awkward silence not wanting to argue with anyone as I was on the brink of an emotional breakdown!

So Last year 2008 we were still in court on residency issues over my daughter, Mother very cleverly using my daughters father against me as her Allie, and Social Services still supervising my contact.. Last Christmas I wasnt allowed to have my daughter over as they couldn’t supervise on Xmas day, and I wasnt welcome in mother dearest house.. I still don’t think anyone fully understands what I went through that day, having to go to my Dad’s and his mum’s, with my brother as the chaperone for my Daughter… my brother and I were both drunk come 11am and by 4pm id broken 3 glasses, thrown up my christmas dinner argued with my dad and his mum, had a conversation with my uncle about crack cocaine and drug dealing, watched him bounce around for 5 hrs and not sit once(the term Addict springs to mind) had plugged my headphones in and was in a world of my own arranging what I was doing when we left.. Now trying to have any time with my daughter when in the presence of Dad and his mum is like feeding pigeons in Trafalgar square, I don’t get any time with her alone and they undermine EVERYTHING I do/say, my brother the chaperone has also found this frustrating and even after Mother dearest and I have spoken to them about this they continue to not listen, this has resulted in chaperone brother no longer taking my daughter-his niece round to see them.. Ice-cream in pita bread for dinner speaks for itself! So come 4pm we were off, my brother dropped me off at a girlfriends house and went back to mother dearest with my daughter to have his 2nd round of Xmas day.. Me and my two girlfriends booked a cab and hit the house in grove where all the wafe’s and strays were partying it up, come 6pm id dropped 3 E’s and was downing alcohol like no tomorrow spinning round to funky house with the rest of the braidy bunch.. till the following morning-boxing day at 7am where we jumped in a taxi and went back to sleep it off. Now as you’ll begin to learn in my coming few posts is that ive spent the last 2 years drowning myself in the london party scene, clubs drugs and booze disguising reality, and getting it out my system whilst I had the opportunity, because I knew once I got the chance to be mummy again I would never go down that road again.. it was something I definitely had to do, it sure as hell taught me a lot about people my friends but mostly myself and what i wanted from life, which at this time of year is to spend Christmas with my daughter, watch her find her stocking stuffed to the brim and tear open her presents after breakfast!! And come New Years when the clock strikes midnight and BBC is showing the fireworks down the Thames, ill be smiling over my daughter watching her sleep in her bed in our house.. Where she belongs!

So this year 2009 what has it got in store? I’ve already been led up the garden path by mother dearest who promised me i could have all the holidays like a dad would get plus weekends, but suddenly she’s decided my daughter comes back from her weekends with me full of attitude and defiant, Mother dearest can’t handle that and she feels im disrupting her routine and allow her to do whatever she wants and set no boundaries………………………………………………………………… Where as I see it as; my daughter isn’t being stifled with me at mine, she has my sole attention and doesn’t have commands fired at her left right and center because with me she is well-behaved and can practically do what she wants as she is well stimulated withe me, all she does is play with her toys, complete her homework, do baking with me and be a normal 4 y.o child! She has personality and that grows when she’s with me, as does her confidence! I struggle to think what kind of parent wouldn’t want their child to be like this…? Oh wait Mother daughters grandparent; In her overcrowded 2 bed parlour type house where resides; Herself, my brother & his gf who stays weekends, my sisters aged; 9-4-6months, my daughter, the dog-(a boxer) and Mothers on off husband, is it any wonder my daughter has issues there? where she has no room for herself, no undivided attention- even for homework its a joined activity as my 4 y.o. sister goes to the same school and is in the same class! the sheer overcrowded situation is bad enough let alone Mother Dearest and her psychoticness thrown in, who’s moods are as temperamental as british weather! No consistent boundaries around meal times, one rule for one child one rule for the other, and a parent who sets no decent example who teaches you the finest example in how not to end up! how many kids not to have, and how to waste your life by not loving yourself!

This is the woman who has residency of my daughter, the woman who social services passed as capable, who can Emotionally Abuse her children still to this day right under their noses and still get away with it. The house that is deemed suitable for my child to live in,

So after her comments on my daughter and my apparent inconsistency, she proposed im not to have my daughter for the whole holidays, as she doesn’t want to spend time in the future picking up the pieces, and effectively draining the life ans soul out of my daughter again! Mother Dearest said I can have my usual weekends Friday to Sunday, and with the exception of Christmas I can have Christmas eve till Sunday… I wonder if she thinks she’s seeing us on christmas day? LOL thats a funny thought! So I didn’t respond to her on the phone after all this was fired at me I said id think about it and let her know.. and I text her back saying:

“I’ll take all the days you give me with her, I’ll always want more- she will always want more, and only your compassion can give us the time together we need. I understand your concerns about her routine, but don’t feel your giving me any trust to prove I can do it and maintain consistency. inevitably if you can’t overcome our differences it will be not only my daughter but my sisters who suffer and grow up resenting you and me for not working out our differences, no amount of evidence will ever prove this to you, but you know deep down how you would feel if you were on the other end of this.. treating others how you want to be treated is a fundamental basis in life.. just try to see things from my side?x”

She didn’t text me back, and didn’t say anything to me about it today when i went to collect my daughter, probably because my brothers g/f was there, and we speak occasionally when she has problems with my brother being tied to mothers apron strings, not that anyone knows.. and so mother continues to play her facade in front of the g/f, it’s quite funny because we both see through it and roll our eyes… however today I was rather hurt, my daughter had broken up from school and had brought back some ornaments for the tree she’d made at school.. of which mother had collared for her tree, after noticing it and asking my daughter if she wanted to take it for my tree so her angel didn’t get lonely, she agreed.. and mother dearest came in snatching it back, to be told by a rather adamant 4 y.o. “NO, it’s for mummy now!” hahaaaaa yes score! I’m getting my message through once and for all! Mother daughter bond going strong! I got the usual scowl and snide remarks about how shit my tree must look as it’s a plastic one… i remarked that if she lived off £60 a fortnight she too would have a plastic one!!

After we left to go on our Christmas shopping escapades, my daughter turned and said to me ” Nanny says im not allowed to spend christmas with you, and I get very sad when nanny tells me this all the time.” I had to assure her Nanny ment not the whole of the holidays, but that we would spend Christmas together just me and her.. and if she wanted to stay with me longer then all we have to do is talk to Nanny and the social worker to make sure they know what she wants. No doubt the big talk is coming from mother dearest and the social worker closer to the time about consistency and routine, yet the only leg I have to back my case is the differences in living environments and time we both give her, even tho I am her mother and really and truly what I say should go! I feel as if im a rent-a-womb, jeeze even a surrogate gets more say than I do! I try to tread carefully with these social workers as they are caught in a system of red tape, should I exhibit emotions that drag up the past again, and again accuse my mother of emotionally abusing me and not be able to prove my case to these blind under trained social workers, then I am back to square one on the contact front.

But our presents are under our tree, my daughter is tucked up in bed and we shall be baking tonnes of mince pies in the week ahead, as I will manage to keep her sleeping under my roof for a whole week even if that means I endure a couple visits/trips out with/from mother dearest and the clan!!  I’ll keep you in the loop via

Until my next post…Thanks for reading!! X

Ps. Feedback/comments/advice is HUGELY appreciated!!


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