Daddy Drama

So tonight my daughter asked me “why is daddy always busy?” you see mother dearest and I had to tell her he was busy when she once asked when she was going to see him, she seemed satisfied with that until tonight… you can tell when your child has something bothering them, and 4 is an age where they can converse clearly about how they feel, now theirs no easy answer to a child when they enquire why one of their parents is absent, and treading so carefully so not to damage their self-esteem is crucial, i don’t want to turn my daughter against her father, to resent him and to feel let down by him, even though he is a complete arse! He will have to live with himself for the next 6-8 years until she comes to find him and ask her himself why he wasnt there for her!

And so i said “Daddy is always busy because he’s naughty, and naughty people get told off by bigger people and like u have the naughty chair, daddy has a naughty place where he has to go when he is naughty, but daddy still loves you a lot and misses you very much, and when daddy is being good again then he will be able to see you, but that may not be for a very long time, but you have lots of people who love you.. (and i named names of friends and relatives) so until then we can allow them to love you.. and i think they are very good at loving you don’t you?!” my daughter nodded her head, and then changed the subject and her attention to the music she wanted on before bed.

My heart broke for her, i had failed as her mother by not giving her the best example in the book of fathers! I knew when i decided to continue my pregnancy and have her that things would be tough, and regardless of his temperamental attitude to having children, i would raise her to be a healthy beautiful young woman.. i never expected to feel so shit! Every time her dad and I had argued, fought and cursed each other before and after her birth i had been filled with ideals on how our lives were and how they were to be in the future ….so naive!! I never thought my own parenting or lack of being parented properly would affect her life in the ways in which it has, and i guess that doesn’t help my resentment towards my own parents! But what it does do is make me even more determined to fix things, ive always been a “FIXER” be it; DIY, friendships, relationships, gestures of kindness, i do things wholeheartedly and a lot of the time selflessly.. perhaps this has been my downfall?

But there does come a time where the line gets drawn, and that line was drawn when my daughters father chose to spit in my face, curse me, our child, my family, threaten our lives (he continues to do so) pin me down and ram my head into his wooden hall flooring, when he broke into my hostel and ransacked it leaving with just a few photo’s of our daughter, when he continually stalked me and used people we both knew locally as informants on my whereabouts, when the fights were so physical i wouldn’t be able to hold my daughter due to sprained wrists or bruising, when wearing make up became obsessive because i didn’t want people to see the dark circles under my eyes, scratches and bruises he’d caused, and wounds that i had self harmed due to dealing with all of this. Fighting back despite my mother’s comments that i should be grateful i had him, as he treated me well, and that i deserved what i got as id probably pissed him off (like how i piss her off) and i should just accept the fact he hit me.. a few times.. I should have learnt my lesson and when to shut my mouth! So i ran the charge of common assault through his local borough’s court under the guidance of the special Domestic Violence Team, i felt as if finally i was getting my life back! They took into account every incident that i had reported to the police to do with him, and those of which i didn’t report, He was charged and ordered to pay me compensation of £75 and to attend an 18 month Integrated Domestic Violence Program (IDAP) failure to do so would result in imprisonment, and had conditions attached that he not come within 200 yds of me- given we lived locally to each other. I could finally walk down my high street and not fear bumping into him, or constantly looking over my shoulder, jumping every time my buzzer went.

I could now leave pictures round my hostel instead of locking them away from him, it may seem petty but i told him once when i was pregnant at my first scan the day after my nan died that if he ever made me feel like a piece of shit on his shoe again (he had cussed me at 8am rush hour at the bus stop on the way to the scan, and told me to go suck my dirty dead great nan for making him get up this early to see the scan of a yout(slang for child/baby/offspring)  he didn’t even want) that i would do everything in my power to make sure he never saw his daughter again, and after his mother denounced any contact with our daughter, i never allowed him any photographs of our daughter, thinking if he loved her and cared he would stay in her life to see her as what parent needs a picture to remember what their childs face looks like?! It was the small principles like this that got me through, and you know the rest of the story from reading my older posts how he came back into our lives via Mother Dearest! And now is due to go to jail for a minimum of 5 years, due to his drug dealing!

2 years on I now live in my ground floor flat, thats 5 mins away from his family home, i don’t jump when i hear the buzzer, and i don’t quake in my boots when i see him, and i can look into my daughters eyes and dilute the truth about Daddy.. i do it for her sake! I know the damage it would cause her self-esteem and i really wonder why other parents can’t see that slandering the other missing parent is so detrimental to the childs health!

I’m readily prepared for the days she gets older and the dilutions don’t work, when she has more questions about Daddy and his whereabouts, and demands answers! When she hits her teens and cusses me for giving her a useless father! But i know that we will always be able to sit and talk to each other about how we feel, we do it every night before she goes to bed, i ask her if she has any questions she would like to ask mummy tonight? the most important thing is thats she’s always satisfied with my answers… i guess im doing something right!!

Some parents don’t talk to their children about family issues and sweep it under the carpet, others overly expose their children to the crudities this world brings at a very young age, both ways effect the child and your relationship with them, be it they think you lied to them so many years, or took away their childhood forcing them to deal with adult emotions in so lose their innocence, i like to think ive got the balance fairly right in a 21st century way, ive managed to reassure her esteem and give her an answer suitable to a 4 y.o. ability of understanding! As a child myself who saw both parents run so far into the ground they may aswell have been 6 ft under i know the detrimental effect it has on you and your entire life! It makes me really sad to see so many people making those big mistakes that are going to cost them the relationships with their children eventually, what will it take for some parents to open their eyes?


Childhood Gut Manifestations

So suddenly its been dawning on me over the past few days that the last bit of control i have in my life is FOOD.  The first thing i experienced after birth; from my mother- breast milk, how i learnt my first lesson in control, i cry i get the boob- only as i got older it began to not work.. i was apparently breastfed till i was 2 when my mother became expecting with my brother, although i was weaned onto solids from about 1 yr, now seeing how my mother has breastfed my 3 sisters and how her lack of ability to stop controls my sisters now their older and still controls me through my own eating habits, ive never been diagnosed with an eating disorder but wouldn’t be surprised if i did have one.. the sheer fact ive always been healthy and had more pressing issues on my mind probably never let the psychiatrists ive seen even think about that subject! I go through binges and have tried to find the cause, be it hormonal.. something to do with moon phases.. poor diet, to no avail!

My 9 y.o. sister only eats meat rice and pasta and seldom sweetcorn, out of all of my siblings she’s got it the hardest with food.. i tried to get her to eat ketchup once and its squirted on her foot where she then had a panic attack and mother had to wash it off.. she has a different dad to my brother and i and his genetics arnt petite so she’s predisposed to high cholesterol and obesity runs in his family.. how my brother urged my mum to feed her more than pies and croquettes when she was 2, but we went unheard and dismissed, and now my 9 y.0 sister is a size 12… bigger than me and a bag of nerves. My 4 y.o. sister eats everything and is labelled as the weird child, she has really bad eczema and mother dearest calls her Leather eyes- craggy skin- dry bones.. she is due to see the dietician and allergist soon.

The only thing that does make sence is that i use it to control myself, i only do this with boyfriends/close partners, i have this general feeling of guilt that i get when they are feeding me, and i mean in terms of buying the food, if were in a supermarket, restaurant or take away, i all of a sudden get this impending feeling that i don’t want to eat, and end up causing an argument because were clearly both hungry, yet to them for some unknown reason im suddenly in protest about eating! I feel that if they feed me i will owe them something, or be stressed out over dinner by their manners, and the only way i can make it up to the person is with sex, and it spirals on into; if i force myself to have sex with them im going to feel more used, and then i feel its my right to eat.. how i relate it to sex i have no idea, perhaps thats the only thing i feel im good at/worth? But i know ive more quality to give than that! Where my mother comes into this is that from a young age mealtimes were always difficult, i hardly ate as a young child till i hit 7, and mealtimes were always on edge incase mother had cooked something dad didnt like, or if my brother and i chewed our food too loud; mother would go mad telling us we ate like animals, i can recall not eating toast and opting for cereal which I’d leave to go soggy before i ate it as the crunching drove my mum mental first thing in the morning! And how after id be scrutinised or sent to my room.. perhaps thats why i make meal times so structured nowadays with my own daughter, and why my table manners are immaculate!

Some men i avoid eating with totally, Neanderthal table manners have been a frequent cause of me suddenly being put off my meal.. and watching him eat thinking  to myself “I want to stab that fork down your throat you pig!” or ive dished up and before ive even sat down he’s tucked in.. i add im not one of those wash up before i eat types either, i just think its common courtesy to wait till everyone is seated and we eat together! Only one of my friends i ever had this problem with, and as a collective we brought him up on his rudeness! Which was quite funny as him being the only fully english white male in the group he openly admitted to not giving a shit when it came to food.. and the rest of our bunch being of mixed heritage/of some ethnic culture being totally appalled by this! So we always dished him up last regardless!

I’m fine with all my other friends and social situations, and i have no other qualms about eating or cooking food in general, in fact i love cooking!! It’s just with very close male partners, I don’t eat with my family anymore, as ive distanced myself from them almost entirely.. bar my aunt.. needless to say my family eat like Animals!

I do  find some weeks ill be ravenous and can eat like a pig and then for a few weeks ill live off hardly anything and then a binge week will come back! I’ve tried diets to regulate my eating habits, and even seen a dietician as ive got food allergy’s.. non of which has helped stabilize that bingeing pattern.. i guess i have to actualize certain things about myself and my life before things iron out in my diet? I’m not medically overweight im 5′ 7″ and 10 st.. i did the Cambridge diet a few months ago and hit 8 st 13 lbs and was still a size 10… i couldn’t work that one out, but figure i must be a boned size 10 and not ment to be any smaller for a reason! god knows ive always wanted to hit a size 8 but now realise that would be physically impossible and id have no bum and my already deflated mamma boobs will be even more shrivelled!

I’m still waiting for a boyfriend/partner whom im able to eat comfortably with, a lot of tolerance and realisation has to come from myself i understand with time and healing.. but he’s also gonna need to be creative about mealtimes coz i NEED someone with imagination who is quirky! And i know im not the only female out who has issues with men being boring!

Until then my solitary dining goes on..

Christmas Tidings New Year & The Memories It Brings..

This year seems to be no different to the rest…one thing is the same thats for sure; Mother Dearest..and her incessant negativity, we see it coming every year as soon as september hits, a general unease hits her family house as everyone starts to wonder when she’s gonna kick off about not celebrating Christmas, it being a load of bollocks and how HER kids wont be getting no presents let alone celebrating it! The usual arguments start between us, me fighting to keep some festivity in my siblings need these things in their childhood, When did she become so evil?! My brother and I even had christmas when we were little, can you actually grow out of Xmas? Ok so from a young age we knew Santa wasnt real.. i can recall shattering my friends dreams in year 1/2 of primary school…I must have been about 6? It was always a debate if we were spending it at our Great Nan’s if she was staging a protest to go to the cousins, if we were going to the cousins? God knows we went one year to my great aunts…WOW did I have fun with my cousins..but WOW did mother ruin the fun!! And Great Nans was only on the table if mother was actually speaking to her.. as usual I was stuck in the middle, my brother didn’t care he was always under mothers wing and rarely ever took my side..he was too young and vunerable..mother played on that and loved it! One Xmas when we were a bit older, we spent it with 2 of our friends, mother went to school with theirs back in the day and we’d all agreed on a junk food Christmas! we played monopoly and it was one of the few good ones we had!

It was always around Christmas Mother’s husband- the step dad, would decide to leave her.. combine that and the fact Mothers mum died around Xmas and its no wonder we’ve never had an amazing time! She could never put that aside just for one day, as much as she insisted it didn’t bother her..deep down it clearly does! One of those breakdown Christmas’s when the husband had left her, it was by far the biggest breakdown she’d ever had.. Samaritans was my saviour and hers, as she sat for days just rocking on the sofa, my brother and I taking my little sister to my brother and I decided to send her to visit her friend in Cornwall, so we packed her off with my 1 sister at the time, who was about 3/4 y.o to go get away and get her head together, I was about 15/16 and my brother a couple years younger, he cooked dinner as i got sick, and we had our wafe and stray friends over too..a couple of mothers friends dropped in to join us for a bit and make sure we hadn’t burnt the house down!! Mother returned after Xmas with her head semi sorted out.. to only let the asshole husband back again; “Her marriage – Her Rules”.. the saga continues till this day!

2006 was the Christmas I drew the christmas took me 4 hours, and the majority of presents came from my Dad and mother dearest Granny friend, I stuck it to the porch door and strategically placed the presents in front, this was because Scrooge mother had really not wanted to do christmas, and at the last-minute id convinced her!

2007 funnily enough I don’t remember much of, I know it was the year my daughter had gone to live with mother dearest, and id had a termination in the november, im pretty sure that year id spent it at Dad’s with his mum and my daughter wasnt allowed to come- chaperone brother wasnt driving then and mother dearest was being prime bitch.. think i spent most of that christmas drunk in awkward silence not wanting to argue with anyone as I was on the brink of an emotional breakdown!

So Last year 2008 we were still in court on residency issues over my daughter, Mother very cleverly using my daughters father against me as her Allie, and Social Services still supervising my contact.. Last Christmas I wasnt allowed to have my daughter over as they couldn’t supervise on Xmas day, and I wasnt welcome in mother dearest house.. I still don’t think anyone fully understands what I went through that day, having to go to my Dad’s and his mum’s, with my brother as the chaperone for my Daughter… my brother and I were both drunk come 11am and by 4pm id broken 3 glasses, thrown up my christmas dinner argued with my dad and his mum, had a conversation with my uncle about crack cocaine and drug dealing, watched him bounce around for 5 hrs and not sit once(the term Addict springs to mind) had plugged my headphones in and was in a world of my own arranging what I was doing when we left.. Now trying to have any time with my daughter when in the presence of Dad and his mum is like feeding pigeons in Trafalgar square, I don’t get any time with her alone and they undermine EVERYTHING I do/say, my brother the chaperone has also found this frustrating and even after Mother dearest and I have spoken to them about this they continue to not listen, this has resulted in chaperone brother no longer taking my daughter-his niece round to see them.. Ice-cream in pita bread for dinner speaks for itself! So come 4pm we were off, my brother dropped me off at a girlfriends house and went back to mother dearest with my daughter to have his 2nd round of Xmas day.. Me and my two girlfriends booked a cab and hit the house in grove where all the wafe’s and strays were partying it up, come 6pm id dropped 3 E’s and was downing alcohol like no tomorrow spinning round to funky house with the rest of the braidy bunch.. till the following morning-boxing day at 7am where we jumped in a taxi and went back to sleep it off. Now as you’ll begin to learn in my coming few posts is that ive spent the last 2 years drowning myself in the london party scene, clubs drugs and booze disguising reality, and getting it out my system whilst I had the opportunity, because I knew once I got the chance to be mummy again I would never go down that road again.. it was something I definitely had to do, it sure as hell taught me a lot about people my friends but mostly myself and what i wanted from life, which at this time of year is to spend Christmas with my daughter, watch her find her stocking stuffed to the brim and tear open her presents after breakfast!! And come New Years when the clock strikes midnight and BBC is showing the fireworks down the Thames, ill be smiling over my daughter watching her sleep in her bed in our house.. Where she belongs!

So this year 2009 what has it got in store? I’ve already been led up the garden path by mother dearest who promised me i could have all the holidays like a dad would get plus weekends, but suddenly she’s decided my daughter comes back from her weekends with me full of attitude and defiant, Mother dearest can’t handle that and she feels im disrupting her routine and allow her to do whatever she wants and set no boundaries………………………………………………………………… Where as I see it as; my daughter isn’t being stifled with me at mine, she has my sole attention and doesn’t have commands fired at her left right and center because with me she is well-behaved and can practically do what she wants as she is well stimulated withe me, all she does is play with her toys, complete her homework, do baking with me and be a normal 4 y.o child! She has personality and that grows when she’s with me, as does her confidence! I struggle to think what kind of parent wouldn’t want their child to be like this…? Oh wait Mother daughters grandparent; In her overcrowded 2 bed parlour type house where resides; Herself, my brother & his gf who stays weekends, my sisters aged; 9-4-6months, my daughter, the dog-(a boxer) and Mothers on off husband, is it any wonder my daughter has issues there? where she has no room for herself, no undivided attention- even for homework its a joined activity as my 4 y.o. sister goes to the same school and is in the same class! the sheer overcrowded situation is bad enough let alone Mother Dearest and her psychoticness thrown in, who’s moods are as temperamental as british weather! No consistent boundaries around meal times, one rule for one child one rule for the other, and a parent who sets no decent example who teaches you the finest example in how not to end up! how many kids not to have, and how to waste your life by not loving yourself!

This is the woman who has residency of my daughter, the woman who social services passed as capable, who can Emotionally Abuse her children still to this day right under their noses and still get away with it. The house that is deemed suitable for my child to live in,

So after her comments on my daughter and my apparent inconsistency, she proposed im not to have my daughter for the whole holidays, as she doesn’t want to spend time in the future picking up the pieces, and effectively draining the life ans soul out of my daughter again! Mother Dearest said I can have my usual weekends Friday to Sunday, and with the exception of Christmas I can have Christmas eve till Sunday… I wonder if she thinks she’s seeing us on christmas day? LOL thats a funny thought! So I didn’t respond to her on the phone after all this was fired at me I said id think about it and let her know.. and I text her back saying:

“I’ll take all the days you give me with her, I’ll always want more- she will always want more, and only your compassion can give us the time together we need. I understand your concerns about her routine, but don’t feel your giving me any trust to prove I can do it and maintain consistency. inevitably if you can’t overcome our differences it will be not only my daughter but my sisters who suffer and grow up resenting you and me for not working out our differences, no amount of evidence will ever prove this to you, but you know deep down how you would feel if you were on the other end of this.. treating others how you want to be treated is a fundamental basis in life.. just try to see things from my side?x”

She didn’t text me back, and didn’t say anything to me about it today when i went to collect my daughter, probably because my brothers g/f was there, and we speak occasionally when she has problems with my brother being tied to mothers apron strings, not that anyone knows.. and so mother continues to play her facade in front of the g/f, it’s quite funny because we both see through it and roll our eyes… however today I was rather hurt, my daughter had broken up from school and had brought back some ornaments for the tree she’d made at school.. of which mother had collared for her tree, after noticing it and asking my daughter if she wanted to take it for my tree so her angel didn’t get lonely, she agreed.. and mother dearest came in snatching it back, to be told by a rather adamant 4 y.o. “NO, it’s for mummy now!” hahaaaaa yes score! I’m getting my message through once and for all! Mother daughter bond going strong! I got the usual scowl and snide remarks about how shit my tree must look as it’s a plastic one… i remarked that if she lived off £60 a fortnight she too would have a plastic one!!

After we left to go on our Christmas shopping escapades, my daughter turned and said to me ” Nanny says im not allowed to spend christmas with you, and I get very sad when nanny tells me this all the time.” I had to assure her Nanny ment not the whole of the holidays, but that we would spend Christmas together just me and her.. and if she wanted to stay with me longer then all we have to do is talk to Nanny and the social worker to make sure they know what she wants. No doubt the big talk is coming from mother dearest and the social worker closer to the time about consistency and routine, yet the only leg I have to back my case is the differences in living environments and time we both give her, even tho I am her mother and really and truly what I say should go! I feel as if im a rent-a-womb, jeeze even a surrogate gets more say than I do! I try to tread carefully with these social workers as they are caught in a system of red tape, should I exhibit emotions that drag up the past again, and again accuse my mother of emotionally abusing me and not be able to prove my case to these blind under trained social workers, then I am back to square one on the contact front.

But our presents are under our tree, my daughter is tucked up in bed and we shall be baking tonnes of mince pies in the week ahead, as I will manage to keep her sleeping under my roof for a whole week even if that means I endure a couple visits/trips out with/from mother dearest and the clan!!  I’ll keep you in the loop via

Until my next post…Thanks for reading!! X

Ps. Feedback/comments/advice is HUGELY appreciated!!