The why questions.. & the wishes
19 Jun 2011 Leave a Comment
in Most Posts
Why did this life have to happen to me? Why do i have to look after my dad? Why was i born to these parents? Why do i make the choices i do?
Why cant i just live a normal life? …I ask myself near enough everyday and i always come up with the same answer;
There is no one better equipped to do this apart from me, if i wasn’t doing this i wouldn’t have a purpose.. id be lost.
That Is what i console myself with, i know im probably not the best person to be helping my dad but im the only person in my family that can, i dont do it the best, but its all i can do.
My dad was recently admitted into psychiatric hospital, diagnosed with non organic psychosis pumped full of drugs and discharged into the community despite my pleas not to, the roller-coaster that has ensued painfully goes on.
I have to admit i hate doing it, and that i wish everyday i wasn’t, and that he would miraculously get better ..but i know he wont, i wish i would miraculously win the lottery and be able to pay for my dad to be fixed, for mother dearest (no wait bpth of my parents) to get the psychological help they need, or for someone else to stand up for me and fight.. but i know that wont happen, not even in my wildest dreams.
I’ve come to accept my path and what i have to deal with on this walk alone, carrying both parents burdens whilst trying to fight my own demons along the path of life. Where does it lead? to success i can only hope! That one day i will run a campaign that will make enough of a difference to local services many in my shoes have to make do with, so they no longer have to make do. A campaign that gets noticed by someone who cares enough to blow it up into an example, to hopefully make me a career out of it.. or atleast a book deal! 
(yes my humour is still there)
I wasnt born to work a 9-5, although sometimes i wish i was! What i do goes beyond 9-5.. its 24/7! I care from the pits of my stomach about what is going on around me, my family, my community, the world! Most nights i go to sleep with such a heavy heart, praying even though im not religious that someone somewhere help change things, i worry for people who dont give two shits about me, and i cry for my family who cant see where or how they hurt me.
My dreams torment me, either showing me what im missing out on and upon waking leave me feeling heavy with sadness that ive woken up to face reality again, and i wonder at every turn what more could possibly go wrong next?
How much longer can my wishes and whys be ignored?
What ever the future holds i know that everyday i grow stronger, i find more people out there to talk to.. to help me ever so slightly and i know that staying true to myself gets me through everyday! And thats all that counts.. right?
Social Services & Court ..help me
15 Mar 2011 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized
The day before court mother dearest decides she wants nothing to do with me, wants to keep my child and not have to answer to anyone.. Is this woman actually mad?!
She wont tell any of this to social services though, infact she keeps playing the hard done by grandmother who is just trying to care for her grand-daughter, whilst her bully of a daughter (me) makes her life hell.
What the hell am i supposed to do?? My hands are tied behind my back now on this.. I have no way of proving otherwise, no way of proving what is going on (other than bugging her house with some sort of recording device..which is highly difficult given finances and the fact im again not allowed into the house!), and all the while my daughter is caught in the middle being used as a pawn by my mother who cares so little for her needs, her real needs, the need and right to be loved unconditionally by all of her family! My mother is so far up her own arse its unbelievable, and the most selfish thing i have ever experienced!
Whats worse is that court is tomorrow, and the fact that communication has broken down between mother dearest and i, and that this is being allowed to come above the welfare of my daughter as overseen by social services! The outcome of not being able to mutually agree (that’s how the court see’s it, even though it is mother dearest being difficult!) results in the judge having to make a decision above everyone, and that could result in my daughter being put into care forever. Purely on the grounds that life in a dysfunctional family will be detrimental to my daughters welfare.
My only witness, my brother (whom is still being abused by my mother aged 21) can’t and wont back me up on anything that jeopardizes his security, the security of being able to run back to mummy if life with his fiance falls apart.
Do you understand where i am coming from now? I literally cannot do or prove anything!
This is why and how the social service’s and family law courts are failing children here in UK at an alarming rate.
Now give me some advise and tell me how i can change the system that is failing my daughter?
How do i get my daughter back before she is lost completely?
Comparison 24
13 Mar 2011 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: 24, compare, Comparison, Life
- I pay bills -I don’t get an education
- I fight for my daughter -I don’t visit the gym
- I scrimp and save – I can’t rely on bank of mum or dad
- I hoover out my frustration -I can’t lye about in my own mess
- I cry at night -I can’t hug my mum or dad
- I feel guilt over everything – I don’t have a carefree attitude
- I soak away in my bath tub -I can’t visit beaches
- I drink fizzy water -I don’t binge drink in Oceana
- I sing whilst washing dishes to the radio – I don’t get to do karaoke
- I have a pay as you go mobile – I can’t afford a contract
- I paint my own nails – I wish i could afford manicure’s
- I sew curtains & do DIY – I don’t have a mum/dad/nan to do it for me
- I’m on benefits – I don’t have the privilege of having a job
- I go to counselling – My friends don’t know how to help
- I cook culinary corned beef & cabbage -Roast beef isn’t on my menu
- I buy my clothes on Ebay -I don’t buy designer clothes
- I walk awkwardly into school -I cant walk past and laugh at memories
- I have meetings with my solicitor -I don’t ever get compensation
- I don’t celebrate my birthday -My wishes have never been answered
- I wont drive a car -I fear who i may run over in anger
- I can’t have a boyfriend -Let alone a 1 night stand or husband
- I get power cuts -I dont get to see strobe lights in ministry of sound
- I save my pennies -I cant throw them in a wishing well
- I am 24 not 44
Pre Court Tenseness
10 Mar 2011 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: Benefit Fruad, CBT, Corruption, mother, NLP, parenting, parents, Social Services, therapy, Uk
A week away from being back in court for the case, and again im faced with another bias fabricated report.. thank god i have a decent solicitor and friends who can calm my frustrated tears fearful that i am about to be slaughtered again by the lovely bastards that are social services!
This time they new social worker has slipped up, hopefully discrediting her whole report by writing that she asked my 5 yo daughter whether she wants to stay with mummy for 7 days, to which my daughter replied no i want things to stay the same. Then got emotional that night saying if i live with you will i never see nanny or my aunties again? And of course i reassured her that would never happen and explained she would get to spend weekends with nanny and aunties, or have sleep overs here.. which sorted that out!
The whole report is clearly rushed, spelling is awful and she makes no reference to my recent assessment from the mental health team who decided they were happy with my self sought counselling, and determination to get to family therapy with mother dearest, and saw no reason for me to have CBT despite social services insistence on the basis of a report 2 years old. -I told them i progress fast ..The onus through the whole report is a clear character assassination, not an assessment of my parenting skills or progress to date, i would like to point out that social services have not asked me to do anything more than chase up therapy which i have done very successfully! It also makes me out as very supportive or sympathetic to mother dearest situation (again why do they think i have to mother my mother in some role reversal?) Thankfully i have 3 professional supporting letters contradicting her whole report.. if this doesn’t get me residency back then the shared residency we will settle on will see that social services have no input into arrangements mother dearest and i make from then on regarding changes to increase my contact/responsibility!
As ive been legally advised; they didn’t take you to court then, so they certainly wont now! You just have to tow the line with your mum in family therapy and that will enable you to have your daughter back. I’m still speechless as to why my incompetent mother still gets to dictate my life? I’m 24 now.. this has long gone further than a joke! Especially when my mother is getting donation food bags over christmas due to not having any money, when as it clearly states in this lovely report; She is in receipt of income support and child & tax benefits, lives with her husband who works and receives £50 per week from her working son as a contribution towards board and lodgings, she is also in receipt of housing and council tax benefits. Yet kicks up a stink when i question why she can afford to go on holiday yet cannot afford to buy my daughter new clothes? And manages to get the social worker believe i am bullying her, to which the social worker writes up as me projecting my issues onto mother dearest! This woman is a joke!!
Nevertheless all my supporting letters (including one from my brother stating he gave her over £700 in the space of 2 weeks not the £50 as stated!!-He has since moved out) will show the judge what a useless piece of crap social services are, and how capable i am of parenting despite their reported misconceptions.
I have to put a lot of my progress down to my amazing aunty who went and qualified as an NLP therapist to help me through this, it’s still an emotional battle at times, but it gets easier everyday as i learn how to fully trust myself and let go of all those safe nauseating feelings that kept me a prisoner of abuse. I know i wouldn’t have got this far without some radical non NHS therapy, i would never have been able to afford NLP and i am forever grateful for my aunt’s wisdom & love.
It isn’t a happy ending yet…. I still have this case to win, and a fight with all the other parents who have fallen victim to the corruption in social services and family law to revolutionize this debilitating system.
Nothing much ever changes
02 Jan 2011 3 Comments
in Uncategorized
In the lives of 10 people around me.. sadly related to me nothing much ever changes!
I thought that by not coming here to vent out my annoyances with my family that somehow progress was continuing, how very wrong of me to think such a foolish thought! It seems that I am just a viewer to all the chaos that continues to wreak havoc in the minds of 4 very saddening adult individuals, so afraid of life and confronting issues that keep them locked in patterns of behaviour that continue to alienate them from others and beautiful things this world has to offer. Chemical imbalances are clearly taking over and are proving unstoppable.. I pray one day they spontaneously combust!
Mother dearest continues to be blinded by her own madness and is now (probably always has been in my eyes) a victim of her own life, bad choice after not choosing to change practically anything in her life! She said today that she wishes I was more compassionate and patient, mostly in my conduct towards my family.. but the active desire to alleviate another’s suffering is slowly withering like left over Mc donalds chips. As the parents who are meant to be helping me through life have always looked to me to make their lives easier.. 21st century children are not slaves! I can be very compassionate, and i think given the UK’s limited resources there are practitioners out here who can help those with more complicated medical problems.. but you can take a horse to water but you cant make it drink attitude prevails especially where im concerned, i can only do so much before i start having to parent my parents in some role reversal dynamics! So to help myself i have to help my parents in order to feel less guilty? Nah sorry not me.. if your talking compassion on that scale im not jesus, and i cannot sacrifice myself to save the 2 wholly ungrateful parents of mine! Where’s my credit? I dont get any… nothing but hard knocks.. call me annie from now on!
So now my father is homeless, well half homeless till the London council decide the weathers warm enough for him to sleep on the streets.. again. And im made to feel guilty that i dont and wont let him stay with me in my council flat, but i made this space to get away from my parents! If i wanted to live with them id have never moved out from both their homes! Ive tried with my dad, he is mental but as his mother is still alive her senile self is the only person who can have him sectioned..again, and so my hands are tied, his GP doesnt care, i cant have him living with me and no one else wants to or should have to hold his hand whilst he tries to find his feet or sponge off the next person that shows him any sympathy, he’s a grown man with 2 grown up children.. if he cant cope then yes he should be sectioned in the mental unit! So until his mother or someone else helps get him sectioned my hands are tied.
This has undoubtedly had its effects on my brother and his fiancé, who is close to finishing with him anyway after being treated like a complete cunt, for months on end.. my brother is sadly very selfish like my mother and has his priority’s completely wrong. Any hope of salvaging a relationship with him was lost a long time ago.. its his fiancé i have the compassion for as she is actually grateful for my shoulder, insight and support.
And me, well I’m just doing me, concentrating on making sure i give my child new positive experiences this life has to offer, keeping a roof over our heads and food on the tables.. the fight to have her back forever continues, with just a psychologists report standing in the way.. hopefully for not much longer.
And my ending point people; don’t make the same mistakes people.. learn to check yourselves and break bad patterns of destructive behaviour!
